Fifteen months...I find it hard to believe that if Giovanna had lived I would be the mother to a fifteen month old today. I can't even begin to think what that would be like...I have a hard time remember what a fifteen month old is like, even though I've had four of them. I have wanted to blog so many times the last few weeks but adjusting to life with a newborn hasn't given me too many opportunities so bare with me this blog will probably be all over the place.
         Sunday night we attended the Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candlelighting at West Penn, this is the second year that we have attended this with our children. It is heartbreaking to see all of the families that have lost a child but it is also comforting to hear Giovanna's name read aloud and for her to be remembered by someone. Nick asked me when we got home that night if I thought it hurt less this year then last year and I can honestly say no, I doubt that it will ever quit hurting but I think that I'm learning to cope with the pain a little better. We've been talking about Giovanna a lot the last few weeks and we put up her Christmas tree with all of the ornaments that were given to us. Joey asked me last week how we were going to tell Gabriella about Giovanna...I never really thought about it. I have already told Gabriella how special she is because she has her own angel, her big sister who watches over her all the time. I hope that we never have to 'tell' Gabriella about Giovanna that she always knows her because we talk about her...she's our baby girl, my third daughter, always part of our family. Even though we may not have years of memories to share with Gabriella we can still honor and remember Giovanna everyday.
     After reading a status update today on facebook it made me realize how people feel bad for themselves...poor me. I don't want to feel bad for myself, I don't want it to be poor me, my baby died, I don't want your sympathy...I'm not happy my baby died it has been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with, I constantly think about her and miss her but if a baby had to die that day I'm glad it was mine and that some other family was spared of the pain of losing a child...a pain that is unimaginable. I know that might sound crazy to most people...to be honest it sounds a little crazy to me...but losing Giovanna is the worst pain I have even felt and I wouldn't wish that on anyone else. As much as it hurts I'm so thankful that God choose me to be Giovanna's mom, even though she was only here for a short time, I was the one that was chosen as her mother, to carry her and love her and I thank God for that everyday. I don't want people to feel bad for me because she died because I'm grateful that she lived! Yes, I'm sad she's not here in my arms but I'm so grateful for the time I had with her and the eternity that I will have with her. God has blessed me and my family in so many ways. I know things don't always go the way we plan or want in life and it's easy to feel bad for ourselves when things are tough but I will continue to try to see through the dark and hard times and remember how blessed I am. When times get to hard I know that I have God to carry me through just as he has done in the past. 
 Happy 15 months in Jesus' arms baby girl! I know you know how much I love and miss you!
Thank you God for allowing me to be Giovanna's mom and all of the blessing you have given me!

learning...

We as parents are suppose to teach our kids....I never thought I could learn as much as I have from my precious baby girl who was only here in my arms for a few short hours...and today I realized I'm still learning from her 14 months later. I'm learning to embrace the moment and enjoy it...even if it's 3:30 am and I'm exhausted and my little peanut wants to party. I'm ashamed to admit it but when my older children decided to party at 3:30 am I became slightly annoyed...wishing them back to sleep. With Gabriella I don't mind it...I enjoy the time with her. I think a lot of it has to do with me cherishing the times I have with Gabriella because I didn't get those times with Giovanna...I never got the chance to wake up in the middle of the night to feed her, to change her diaper or to give her a bath.  All those little tasks that I found cumbersome with my other children I'm loving so much that it makes me feel a little guilty. I wish I could have had the oppertunity to do those things with Giovanna...but I can't help but wonder would I have embraced them as much as I do now. I think I appreciate life more now because I realize how precious and fragile it really is...it can all be taken away in a moment. I hope that I can continue to 'learn' form Giovanna and maybe a few other people can too....I love you baby girl and miss you so much!

I heard this song the other day and I wanted to share it on my blog. I think so many BLM can relate to it.

Gone Too Soon Lyrics

today could've been the day
that you blow out your candles
make a wish as you close your eyes
today could've been the day
everybody was laughin'
instead i just sit here and cry
who would you be?
what would you look like
when you looked at me for the very first time?
today could've been the next day of the rest of your life

not a day goes by that i don't think of you
i'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose
such a ray of light we never knew
gone too soon, yeah

would you have been president?
or a painter, an author or sing like your mother
one thing is evident
would've given all i had
would've loved ya like no other
who would you be?
what would you look like?
would you have my smile and her eyes?
today could've been the next day of the rest of your life

not a day goes by that i don't think of you
i'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose
such a ray of light we never knew
gone too soon, yeah

not a day goes by, oh
i'm always asking why, oh

not a day goes by that i don't think of you
i'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose
such a beautiful life we never knew
gone too soon
you were gone too soon, yeah

and not a day goes by
that i don't think of you

Today's the day the 14th of the month...Giovanna would be 14 months old today! I find it so hard to believe that 14 months has passed..I know I say that every month but it seems like time just flies by. I don't think that the 14th of a month will ever pass with out me thinking about my baby girl...not a day goes by that I don;t think about her. I think back to when I was little how long a week seemed so long now the weeks go by so fast. I didn't realize until Gabriella got here how 'out of practice' I was with a baby, I can't help but think I shouldn't be, I just had a baby last year, I should know what I'm doing. I guess by now I'm a pro at pregnancy...being pregnant for 20 months out of the last 24 will do that to you...and I'm finally getting back into the swing of taking care of a baby again. I wonder everyday how different my life would be now if Giovanna had lived. I wish I could go back to her birthday just to hold her again. I can't help but wonder what she would have been like. Having Gabriella here has reaffirmed that my older children would have loved her to pieces...I'm sure she would have been spoiled rotten. It's odd, while it is a comfort to have a new baby to hold' it also makes me miss Giovanna even more...I truly realize all the time I didn't get to spend with her and memories I didn't get to make. I know that I will probably never know why I lost my baby girl...why I was chosen to be her mother for such a short time. What I do know though is no matter how short the time was that I spent with her I will hold her in my heart forever. I love and miss you baby girl!

I can't believe that Gabriella is going to be 2 weeks old tomorrow...I'm not sure where the time has went. I've been wanting to blog but haven't had a chance. I think we're all adjusting well to having a baby in the house...its been so long I forgot what it was like. I quickly remembered how much longer it takes to get out the door, I was so use to telling everyone to get their shoes and coats on were leaving and they do...I forgot about having to change the baby, feed the baby, change the baby again and make sure I have everything in the diaper bag...but I'm loving the adjustment! The kids seem to really love her, they fight over whose going to sit next to her in the car and whose going to hold her next. Jaden is the only one brave enough to change a diaper...tonight I was in the bathroom and Jaden changed her and attempted to put her pjs on...she was stuck with the arms so I had to help. Its funny everyday she tells me what I'm suppose to dress her in for the day...I never thought a 11 year old would be so excited to have a baby sister! I think Jaden and Joey are defiantly the most impressed by her, while Bailee and Bubba like her, they would rather txt their friends or watch tv!
I'm so happy to she's finally here, those last few weeks of pregnancy were stressful to say the least. Having a new baby in the house makes me miss Giovanna more then I thought...I wish that we could have spent more time with her, getting to know her, making memories with her. It's hard not to think about the things I didn't get to do with her...even the simple things like hearing her cry or nursing her. I wish I could have been more of a mom to her. Today I got Gabriella's birth certificate in the mail, it reminded me of the day I got Giovanna's and the shock of the work deceased stamped across it...a word that doesn't belong on a baby's birth certificate. It's hard to put into words but when I hold my beautiful new baby I'm filled with regret...regret that I didn't get more time with Giovanna, more memories, more pictures of her and a chance to 'mother' her. I try to remember to thank God that I got the time that I did have with her, the pictures I did get and the memories I did make...and to remember how truly blessed I am, how thankful I am for the beautiful children that we have.

Our Rainbow Has Arrived

I'm happy to announce that our 'Rainbow Baby' is here! Gabriella Grace was born at 8:46 am on October 30th. She's a little peanut weighing 7 lbs 5 ozs and 20 inches long!

I don't even know where to begin....I am so frustrated at this point in my pregnancy. When I originally went to the Dr's I was given a due date of 10/16 and told that because of what happened with Giovanna they would induce me at 39 weeks...I'm still pregnant! After my anatomy scan at 18 weeks the Dr decided to move my due date back to 10/29 biased on that...the problem with this theory is it is proven that second trimester scans can be off 14 days either way. I expressed my concerns many of times to the 3 different Dr's that I see and was given 3 different opinions...keep original date, better safe then sorry...go with new date, it's rare that they are off (it's also a less then 1% chance that a baby with meconium will die and we all know how that ended up)...the 3rd Dr said biased on everything she felt confident in moving my due date to 10/20. I was content with that decision...not the 16 but close enough and I have delivered all of my babies at 41+ weeks. So every time I go to the Dr's I'm given some sort of run-around as to why they can't schedule my induction...according to the due date of 10/20 I was 39 weeks on 10/13 so when I went into my appointment expecting to be scheduled I was told..no we can't schedule you bc your not dilated...then the truth comes out...no one changed my due date back to 10/20 in my chart it's still listed as 10/29 so I'm not 39 weeks and the hospital will not allow the Dr's to schedule a elective induction until 39 weeks!
It makes me so made, I hear of people all of the time that deliver at 37+ weeks! I have had 5 babies that I have carried for a minium of 41 weeks each time, I fully understand that when the baby is ready it will come and I'm a firm believer of that but we lost our last baby because she was late. The risk of meconium increases as you go post dates...I understand it was rare...less then 1% but it happened to us....I just don't get why they Dr's can't seem to understand that! This is unnecessary stress that I don't need right now, it's hard enough to hold it together. Not a day goes by that I don't think about my daughter and wish that she was here with us. But she's not and its my reality that sometimes rare things happen I just don't want it to happen again. After losing Giovanna I have met many strong women who have been through horrible losses and while they have been a great support system it really opens your eyes to all of the things that can go wrong and it's hard not to stress about that. I just pray that soon this baby will be safe in our arms...it's already a special baby with it's own guardian angel!

Today makes 13 months since we had our baby girl. It amazes me that over a year has passed and I still remember the details of that day better then I can remember what happened this morning! I guess its because I have so few memories of Giovanna...I wish that I had more. I'm grateful that I got to meet my baby, hold her and love her for the short time that she was here...my heart breaks for other mothers who never had that opportunity. Even though Giovanna's time on earth was short she will be remembered and loved for eternity and I thank God that I was chosen to be her mother! I love and miss you baby girl!

I have been so busy since Sept. that I really haven't had a chance to blog. I joined the working force once school started with a temporary job as the preschool aid at my kids school until they could get someone full time. I figured it would get me out of the house and my mind off of the last few weeks of this pregnancy...I learned really quickly I'm a SAHM for a reason and I pray that I don't have to work again for a LONG time! I think it was best described the evening I told Nick all this working is getting in the way of my volunteering! Between working all day and running the kids to all there events in the evenings and week-ends there was no time to get anything done...I give working moms lots of credit...its not fun! Thankfully, I'm finally done and I can resume my place as a SAHM!

Today is Giovanna's 1st birthday...her Angelversary...a term I wish didn't exist. It blows my mind that a entire year has passed since I held her in my arms. This morning I woke up early and couldn't fall back asleep, all I could do is think about how a year ago at that time my labor was beginning...I remember how I wasn't sure if it was 'it' I woke Nick up and told him I thought he should stay home but I wasn't sure. By the time I was sure (about a hour later), my water had broke and I knew then that there was meconium in it...what I didn't know is that meconium would lead to her death....that in a few short hours I would be giving birth to my baby girl and then be told that there was nothing they could do for her. I became that person that I never thought I would...a mother to a baby in heaven.

Today was a emotional day as to be expected. I think I held it together very well for the most part, the children's mass at school was in memory of Giovanna. I worked all day so that was distraction (how could 15 four year olds not be). At the end of the day Jaden and her best friend came into our class room. Her friend had a birthday card that she made for Giovanna, at that point I lost it. She had written in the card is a verse from Psalm; 62:7...In God is my salvation and my glory, The rock of my strength, and my refuge, in in God. How could a child possibly know how true that was for me, without God to carry me through my darkest times I'm not sure how I would have made it. I know that in her short life Giovanna touched so many and that card from a 11 year old goes to show just how much.

The kids decided they wanted to have a birthday cake for Giovanna, Nick and I also wanted to but were unsure as to how the kids would react, so we got a ice cream cake (at Bubba's request). After dinner we had a little 'party' for Giovanna, we released balloons with messages to Giovanna and sung her happy birthday. The kids thought it would be best if we took the cake outside so she could 'blow out' her candle. It is heartbreaking to see my children grieving their baby sister...I wish that they didn't have to suffer this loss along with Nick and I, I wish that their baby sister was here annoying them.

Today was Giovanna's due date...I can't help but think if she would have been born on it she would be here today with us....

I've tried to write this post at least 100 times but I can never seem to....I think part of it might be because this blog is dedicated to Giovanna and I don't want anything to take away from her. Some of you may already know (if you've seen me lately you can stop wondering if I'm getting fat) Nick and I are expecting our "Rainbow" baby sometime in October. This news brings so many mixed emotions...I want to be excited but the fear is overwhelming. One thing that I learned through Giovanna's death is that a pregnancy does not equal a baby, even a healthy problem free pregnancy....and a baby does not equal a child any thing can happen life is precious and can be taken away in a instant. I can't help but think back to this time last year when the kids were starting school and I was getting ready for Giovanna...we had all the baby stuff set up, clothing washed and in the dresser and we were ready to bring our baby home...then I think about the days after Giovanna died and packing up it all up to give away because I didn't think we would ever have another baby. One of my biggest fears is that this baby will make people forget about Giovanna and I don't want that to happen, as uncomfortable as it is for some people and as much as it hurts I don't want my bay girl forgotten! I don't want is for people to act like this baby is a replacement of Giovanna, that I'm no longer grieving the lost of my daughter because I have a new baby...I will always love and miss her and the memories that I should have made with her. Anyone with more then one kid knows that you love them all equally, there maybe different qualities that you like about each of them but you love them all the same and although Giovanna was only here for a short time I don't love her any less then my living children. I have already had people (who know about Giovanna) say well this baby will be your tie-breaker...you already have 2 girls and 2 boys...I want to shout at them NO this baby is not the tie-breaker...I have 3 daughters, I had a baby I loved from the moment she was conceived, carried to term, was born alive and died...she was my daughter and always will be..she was no less 'real' then any of us are and I love and miss her every day!

Eleven Months

For some reason this didn't post when I wrote it....so here it is a little late! Eleven months have passed since Giovanna's birth...its hard to believe that in one month she will be celebrating her first birthday with Jesus. She is never far from my thoughts, I wonder all of the time what she would be like, how she would act and how our lives would be with her in them. Today is 'fair' day in our house, that means we're packing up and heading to the fair for the week for the kids to show their steers and run wide. It brings back so many memories of last year...I was about 9 months pregnant with Giovanna during the fair, all week I kept telling Nick to enjoy it bc next year we'll be chasing around a baby. Now next year has come but that baby we thought we were going to be chasing around isn't here with us, shes watching over us instead. I've been thinking a lot lately about why me....not in the sense of poor me why did my baby have to die when others live but why was I chosen to be Giovanna's mom...to carry her, love her and lose her after such a short time. As hard as it is to live without her and I glad I was chosen to be her mom and have her in my life. God gave me a gift of a third daughter that I got to love and will continue to love for the rest of my life. I know that day will come when I hold her again and I wouldn't trade that for anything. I love and miss you baby girl!

Ten months....I never thought I would make it through one day with my baby girl; to think I have made it ten months is unbelievable. Those first few weeks I wasn't sure I would ever make it through the day without crying. Losing Giovanna was the hardest thing that I have ever had to go through; no family should have to endure the pain that comes with losing a child. Not a day goes by that I don't think about how our lives would be with her here with us instead of watching over us. I'm preparing to go to NYC with Bailee for a week next week while I'm excited to go and spend some time with Bailee without the other kids it also makes me sad knowing that I would not be going if Giovanna was here. It's hard to believe in two short months Giovanna will be celebrating her 1st birthday in heaven...I can't believe almost a year has passed. I find myself thinking about that day she was born, wishing I had more time with her...more time to hold her...more time to get to know her. I wonder what she would be like today; would she be crawling, learning to walk, getting into everything? Nick and I were talking the other day and I told him we should be glad for her, she got to go straight to heaven, she didn't have to suffer through life here, she never had to be disappointed or hurt...but at the same time she never got to have the good parts of life and that breaks my heart. I wish life gave you redo's or at least chances to go back in time, so i could hold my baby girl one more time.

Every time this song comes on the radio I find myself thinking of Giovanna and wishing it were true!

I love and miss you baby girl!

Butterfly Release

Yesterday we went to the Angel Heart butterfly release at WP Hospital. It was the second time I have been back to there since we had Giovanna, on the way there I couldn't stop thinking about the drive home after Giovanna had passed and how emotional it was. I keep remembering how Jaden said, this isn't how it was suppose to be....according to us it wasn't how it was suppose to be but it was in His plan. It makes me realise that I shouldn't take a moment for granted, every second we have is truly a gift.
At the butterfly relase we were given flowers to plant in honor of our babies, we then went outside where there was a small service and a blessing of the flowers then we released the butterflies. In typical fashion, Joey opened his early to look at it and of course it flew away, he wouldn't be our son if he was doing what he's suppose to! It's heartbreaking to be around all of those people who have lost a child for whatever reason. When we were leaving we were given a ceramic butterfly with a poem on it that I would like to share.
As a butterfly graces our lives with a moment of beauty,
so has our baby's presence for a day, month, a year, or a short sweet flickering moment.
May you find peace & joy with each butterfly that flies in the beautiful sky,
knowing your baby lives in the hearts of everyone they have touched.
I know that Giovanna lives in many hearts!

I know this is late we were on vacation last week.

Nine months has passed since I held my baby girl....9 months means that she has been gone longer then she existed, that's hard to believe.  The kids and I spent the day on vacation, we went out on a boat to look for dolphins and then spent the afternoon at the zoo...I couldn't help myself in wondering how she would have liked it. I think about her everyday, how much I wish she was here with us instead of watching over us...what she would be like, who she would look like, I don't think I'll every stop wondering who she would have been. I can always wonder and someday I will see her and know. I love and miss you baby girl!

As school's ending for the year and summer vacation is beginning I can't help but think about how different I thought this summer would be. It was going to be the first summer in a long time that we had a baby, I imagine that Giovanna would have been learning to crawl and walk and truly enjoy her siblings. We're getting ready to go on vacation next week to the same beach that we have been to every summer since Bailee was a year old, I can't help but think back to last year when we were there trying to do all the things that we wouldn't be able to do this year because we would have a baby with us...we'll be doing those same things again this year, because our baby is with us only in our hearts. Since Giovanna died I find it hard to 'plan' for tomorrow, because I'm never sure if tomorrow will come...I guess in a way its a good thing, it makes me realize how fragile life is and that I shouldn't take anything for granted.

March For Babies

For some reason I didn't publish this post (I have a bad habit of thinking I'll come back and do it but then I don't get the chance) so here it is...

 Today we did the March for Babies in Honor of Giovanna we have never done anything like this before so I wasn't sure what to expect. A few months back I started a team I set a goal of $500 for our team unsure if we would make it....much to my surprise we raised $1100!!! I would like to say THANK YOU to everyone who supported our team by either donations or coming our and walking with us, I hope to raise even more next year! Here's a few pics from that day!

Nick & I and the kids!



The whole team!



Joey releasing his butterfly

It's unbelievable how quickly time goes by....today marks 8 months since Giovanna's birth & death. Not a day goes by that I don't think about her, miss her and wish she was here with us. When I think back to last January and we just found out that we were expecting 8 months seemed so far away; now when I think back to September and that day Giovanna was born it seems like yesterday. I think about who she would be....who she would look like, what her temperament would be, would she be crawling or trying to pull herself up? I can dream about her and wonder who she'll be but none of that will bring her back to my arms. Part of the healing process for me has been accepting....accepting that it happened to us, we lost our beautiful baby girl and accepting that nothing I do or say can change that, nothing will bring her back to me. As much as it hurts I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and although I may never know the reason I choose to accept that....this is my life and my path and I will live it to the fullest, no regrets, knowing that one day I will hold my baby girl again. I saw a quote the other day it looked some thing like this;

in my heart
   always
               in my thoughts

and that she is. I love and miss you baby girl!

Today is Easter...it should have been Giovanna's 1st Easter, I shouldn't say it should have been, it was. Only she didn't spend it here with us, she spent it in heaven with Jesus. I've been in a bad mood all day, it took awhile before I realized (after I yelled at Nick b/c he brought me the wrong pan) it was because I miss my baby girl, I miss the memories we didn't get to make with her. I miss the fact that she's not here to enjoy all the traditions we have. I know she would be getting to the age where she would start to notice what goes on around her, maybe she would even be trying to crawl. I think she probably would have gotten a laugh out of the kids this morning. I try not to be sad when I think that this is the day that Christ was risen...that alone gives me great hope in seeing my baby girl again. I think about the pain that Christ endured and how Mary probably felt helplessly watching her son die for our sins, it makes me grateful for the life I have been given. I try to  count my blessings, be thankful for what I have and not dwell on what I don't but that doesn't make the pain of missing Giovanna any less, she's never far from my mind. I love my baby girl and look forward to the day I can hold her in my arms again. Happy Easter baby girl...mommy loves you!

Seven months...more then half a year, yet I remember it like yesterday. I have been so busy, this last month has flew by...I guess that's what happens time keeps on going even if you wish it would stand still. Sometimes when I think back to that September day it seems like a dream, one of those that you can't believe is happening. I remember being relatively calm when they were working on Giovanna, thinking this isn't happening...she's going to be ok, they're going to wrap her up and give her to me to hold any minute now. As we all know, that didn't happen, she wasn't ok, it was hours later when I got to hold my baby girl, wrapped up in a pink blanket. I think about how far I've come from those days right after we lost her, not knowing how I was going to make it through the day...it still hurts, the pain doesn't go away but it does get easier. I can talk about her, tell her story and think about who she would have been without getting upset. I think about her everyday and how our lives would be with her here with us....but I can't change it, as much as I wish I could, I can't change the past...it leaves me with no other choice then to accept that it happened, there are no do-overs in life, no matter how much we wish there were. I pray that God gives me the strength to go on knowing that one day we'll meet again.

Today is Giovanna's 6 month birthday...I can't believe I made it a half a year without her...that it's been a half a year since I held my baby girl. Today was a sunny day, it reminded me of the day she was born. I remember the first time I held her, she was still hooked up to the ventilator so we had to be really careful, she was so perfect, so peaceful. I remember looking down at her and wishing she would open her eyes and cry. Such a simple sound, a baby crying, one that I never got a chance to hear from my beautiful daughter. I have 8.5 hours of memories and in all actuality I really only have about 4 because she was with the doctors the other time and we didnt get but a brief chance to see her...4 hours to last me my entire life. I think about those 4 hours often, I try to remember every detail, there is nothing that I want to forget...I want to remember every second, no matter how joyful or painful, those are my memories of my baby girl.  So I can say in the last 6 months I have learned that the pain doesn't go away, but it gets a little easier to live with, its always still here, under the surface. The fact that a part of me and our family is missing and it will always be. While I feel that I am healing I still think about her everyday and how different our lives would be with her here in our arms...how big she would be getting, learning to crawl, laughing and playing with her big sisters and brothers, starting to eat baby food. I can't let myself focus on what we don't have, the memories we don't have with her. I have to remember that she was a special baby, too special for earth so she got to go straight to be with Jesus. Over these last 6 months I have learned so much about myself, my faith, my family and my friends. There have been many days I know that God alone has carried me through, without my faith I don't know how I would be where I am today. Nick has been so great through all this I know at times he is frustrated with me but he's always there to support me, I love him more every day...even the days he tells me I look a lot older then I am! I have found some great friends in people that I never thought would be so supportive and I have lost some friends that I thought were great friends, I guess it goes to show when the going gets tough, you know whose there for you and I am so thankful for those people that have been there for us and for our family...and the ones that haven't thats ok too, I understand. Things that I use to think were so important really don't matter much anymore...at the end of the day all that matters is my family, they mean more to me then anything...I love them all! I try to remind myself daily that although I might think I have big problems, my problems really arn't that big, there are so many people in this world who have much bigger problems and I pray for them that they may find peace, happiness and health.

Below are a few posts that I started and didn't finish. I was going to finish them before posting them on my blog but I decided that they needed to be posted the way they were unfinished.

2/24
I was recently asked a hypothetical question:  If your house was on fire and everyone was safe and you could safely go back in for one thing, what would that be? Without a thought I said Giovanna's memory box. I feel like its all we have our her, that box and a few hours of memories. I'm so afraid that over time those memories will begin to fade and all I will have is that box.

3/1
Since Giovanna's death I often find myself searching the web for stories similar to mine, I guess its that feeling of comfort knowing that someone else has went through what you have. I have found many tragic stories of baby loss, it breaks my heart to read what these women have went through, the pain that no mother should have to endure. As I read through all of these stories of loss I have yet to find a story similar to mine. Is it that I'm not looking in the right place or am I looking too hard? Is it that a death due to sever meconium aspiration is so rare?  I have found many stories of babies who suffered from meconium aspiration, some worse then others but none died.  It frustrates me that there is virtually no information out there on something that is so common...they don't have a sure reason it happens, no way to prevent it and really conflicting medical knowledge as to what to do when it happens. Its kinda scary, you think that doctors can fix everything with all of the tecnology that is out there...but there are still so many unknowns. I guess thats why we don't live in a perfect world...if this world was what would we have to look forward too....

2/19
In attempting to clean out my closet I found a bag that I would take with me to the kids ball games, I usually carried whatever book I was reading, a blanket and whatever else I felt that I might need in the million hours I was going to be sitting at the ball field. In this bag I found 3 balls of yarn and the baby blanket that I was making for Giovanna. I had forgotten all about starting this blanket, it was a real soft yarn, pink, purple and white, half finished blanket. When I think about the unfinished blanket its reminds me of Giovanna's unfinished life....I can't believe that next week it will be 6 months since she was born, not a day goes by that I don't think about her, miss her and wonder who she would have been. I thought about finishing the blanket but I decided not to, it will go into her memory box unfinished.

March for Babies

Today I signed up for the March of Dimes, March for Babies. I created a team to walk in memory of Giovanna...Walking for our Angel, Giovanna Jean on May 1st at Lynch Field in Greensburg. I invite all of my family and friends to come out and support this cause. Although we were unable to save our precious baby girl, we can help to help raise money to prevent other families from having to go through the loss of a baby. Please stop by my team website http://www.marchforbabies.org/team/t1527847

I have once again been asked....The dreaded question....I'm sure most BLM will agree with me, one of the worst questions you can be asked is...."How many children do you have?" Who would have thought such a simple question could cause so much pain. If you include your angel then you know the awkward silence to follow and if you don't you feel like your cheating them...is there really a answer to this horrible question?!? It's sad to say but my answer depends on my mood, if I want to explain or not. I feel the need to explain when I tell people about Giovanna and I can see there uneasiness, why wouldn't they be, who wants to think about much less talk about such a awful thing...me, I have this overwhelming need at times to tell people, it happened to me, the unimaginable, my baby died shortly after she was born....she wasn't suppose to die, it wasn't suppose to happen like that, it was a normal pregnancy, I had no reason to think she wouldn't be coming home with us. It drives me crazy to see expecting moms take it all for granted, don't get me wrong, I wouldn't wish what happened to Giovanna to happen to anyone but dont take it for granted, realize what a gift you've benn given! I understand at times it suck, your moody, your back hurts, your getting fat...I've been there, I've felt that way but I guess when you lose it all you realize how special it was. Back to the DREADED question...I know its not meant to be hurtful or prying, I find myself asking it to people too. I just never really thought about how hard it is to answer until I lost my angel. I love and miss you baby girl, today and everyday!

Yesterday was Valentine's Day, Giovanna's 5 month birthday and mine & Nick's wedding validation all rolled into one. I can't believe 5 months has passed, I know I say that every month but really it seems like time is flying by. I remember when I was 5 months pregnant, the end seemed so far away, we had just began announcing our pregnancy and the fact that it was another girl. It seemed like we had so long to go before we could meet her. Now that she's been gone for 5 months I feel like it was yesterday....I hold on to every memory of that day, not wanting to forget one single detail. I can't believe our baby girl would be 5 months old...I find myself wondering who she would have looked like, how big she would have been, what she would be doing and how the kids would be driving me crazy fighting over her. I watch my daughters with my nieces and its bittersweet, I know they would have been great big sisters, they love to hold them and carry them around. I remember when I was pregnant with Joey, Jaden was about 3 and we found out we were having a boy, she cried and said she wanted a baby sister because she already had a brother. So of course I just wanted her to stop crying so I told her don't worry we'll have another baby and I'll never forget Bailee who was probaby 6 had this awful look on her face and she said 'Really Mom, dont you think 4's enough?' I think I told Bailee 4 was enough but unless we wanted to listen to Jaden cry all day just go along with it. Jaden did get her little sister after all and although she only held her for a short time she will remember her forever...we all will, she touched our lives in ways we could never imagion. I wish that she would have been there with us last night, as our kids watched Nick and I rededicate ourselves to each other. When I married Nick almost 13 years ago I never in a million years thought we would lose our baby...through all that we have been through in this last year I would have never made it without him, he truly is my rock. I imagine how different our lives would be with her here today...aside from the sleepless nights I'm sure she would have been a great joy. It's weird over these last few months missing her has become my normal, a normal I never thought would be mine...I love and miss you baby girl!

Today's blog is harsh, if your easily offended STOP reading now!

Why is it so hard for people to understand that I'm hurting???? Yeah, I continue to live my life....I have to be ok, I have a family! But just because things look ok doesn't mean that a minute goes by that I don't think about or miss my baby! I have to continue on in my life, its a challenge to do the things I do but I cant sit home and cry everyday. If I don't keep myself busy I think I would be insane. I'm not going to tell you how bad it hurts, it's easier to tell you I'm ok, I don't need you to feel bad for me, just understand that I'm in pain...a pain that I wish didn't exist...a pain I wish no one ever had to feel. I don't think the pain ever goes away. It doesn't hurt me to talk about my baby, I think about her all the time but I see how uneasy it makes the people I'm talking to so I don't...there's no point in upsetting people. I'm just frustrated, I wish people would realize that there are bigger problems in this world then theirs! My heart breaks for my baby but I don't kid myself for one minute in thinking that it's the biggest problem in the world. I know that there are bigger things in this world then me and my problems. When dealing with issues that arise I try to remind myself...is this really a big deal, in the grand scheme of things will it really matter that much, a day a week or a month from now! It drives me insane to see people create problems where there doesn't have to be...there is enough of it in this world...why do we want to make more for ourselves!?! I really fill like I'm reaching my breaking point with other peoples problems. I don't care, I'm trying to be nice but I dealing with a pain that most of you cant imagine....you don't have to spend everyday wondering what your life should be like, you don't feel like a part of you is missing, you don't wake up from a dream wishing you could go back to sleep because your baby was alive in your dream...I don't want your pity, I want you to wake up and realize that this world is so much bigger then you and I. Lets thank God for what we have and treat others the way we want to be treated!

I'm not really sure why but I've been in an awful mood these last few days...I swear everyone I come in contact with; aside from Nick and the kids, is annoying to me. I'm trying my best to play nice but I know its not going to well. If you know me then you probably know that I am usually nice but I can honestly say I haven't been these last few days. I'm not sure what's causing it (and its not PMS) I don't know if its the fact that it seems I'm always doing something for someone else and still have to listen to people complain when they wont just do it themselves or have them tell me their too busy, cause I'm not, I do nothing all day. I think if Giovanna was here then I would have a reason to not have to do it all, but I don't I lost my reason 4 and 1/2 months ago. I know and Nick reminds me daily that I don't have to do all that I do; I could just say forget it but then what am I left to do....sit home and miss my baby, it's a double edged sword. I think back to this time last year I was enjoying my time, volunteering for the kids activities, going to lunch with friends, savoring those last few months that I was going to have 'alone' while all the kids were in school before we did it all over again with a new baby....but that didn't happen, nothing changed except our baby was born and died and here I sit 'alone' the only difference is I'm not enjoying it. It shouldn't be this way, I shouldn't be 'alone' I should be taking care of my baby girl. I should be to tired from taking care of a baby to volunteer for everything. I called the social security office today to find out that along with not applying for her birth certificate the hospital also didn't submit her social security card application, although I'm sure it doesn't matter, she'll never need a social security number anyway, but I still would have liked to have that for her. There's a lot of things I would have liked to have for her that she never will....thats our reality. I have no other choice but to live with it.

I have wanted to post this video I made for the funeral on my blog for awhile but for some reason it wont upload. So I put it on youtube but you can only view it if you click this link:  Giovanna Jean

Yesterday I went back to the hospital to pick up our records....going back there sucks (for lack of a better term). As I drive there I am reminded of the drive Nick and I made 4 short months ago, how excited we were, we laughed on the way there taking bets on what time she would be born, Nick joking that she was probably going to be a he. We were looking so forward to meeting our baby girl...excited to introduce her to her big sisters & brothers...to bring her home.  If I've replayed the memories of that day once I've replayed them a million times....it's all I have the memories from that day. As painful as they are if I could, I would go back and relive that day in a heartbeat....to hold my sweet baby girl one more time. I'm glad I got the records, they helped piece together some of the things from that day that I wasn't to sure about. I remember how excited I was durning my short labor, filled with anticipation of the arrival of our baby. If I could go back to that day, if there were do-overs in life. I have to remember that everything happens for a reason and although I don't understand that reason and I'm sure I never will all I can do is except it and more on. I thank God for the short time that we had with Giovanna and while I wish we had more...just one more day; but I know it wouldn't be enough, no amount of time will ever be enough until eternity....I miss you baby girl!

Today Giovanna would have been four months old, it was a hard day. I went back to the hospital where she was born to get a copy of  my medical records, there are just some things I need to understand but that's a whole other post. It was hard, the last time I was there I was filled with such excitement, we were about to meet our baby girl, we had been waiting for this day for so long. I remember the feelings of excitement and I'm trying not to let the joy of her birth be overshadowed by her death. I just keep remembering those few minutes that we thought that everything was going to be ok...but it wasn't. It was hard going back there but I did it. There is one memory that is sticking in my mind, when we got to the hospital Nick said to me we forgot the car seat and I said don't worry, we'll get it when we need it, then he asked me if I wanted to bring the diaper bag in and I said no, we'll get it later....was that because some part of me know that when later came we wouldn't need any of those thing. I think about how ready I was for her, I think I had my bag and hers packed for like 4 weeks. I remember not knowing what to bring her to wear home because I wasn't sure how big she would be, I thought she was going to be little (she was my smallest) but she wasn't really that little. Although, she got to wear the outfit I picked out 'home' it wasn't to our home. I wish I could go back to that day and have a do-over, to bad we don't get those in life.
When I got home the copy of her birth certificate was waiting for me in the mail box. If you've read my other post you know what a journey it was to get this. I was so excited when I opened it, I wasn't prepared for the big black word DECEASED to be stamped on it. I'm not sure why I didn't think that it would say that after all I have a copy of the death certificate, I know shes dead, I cant for get that, I just wasn't expecting it to be there... I think that the shock of losing my baby girl has worn off and the reality of life without her has set in, it makes me so sad to think of all the things that I will never get to share with her and the few memories that we have. I know I need to be grateful for the memories I have and the time I got to have with her, there are so many other BLMs that didn't even get what I had, the pain they feel is unimaginable to me. I know so many people have kept our family in their thoughts and prayers these last couple of months and that means the word to me knowing that you remember our precious baby girl. I pray for all that have lost a love one that God my grant us peace until we meet again.....

I knew that I had to call to receive a copy of Giovanna's birth certificate but I've been putting it off, it's never the right time when I think about calling, I always have a million and one other things that need done. Last week I finally made the time to make the call..imagine my surprise when I found out the the PA Dept of Vital Records had NO record of my daughters birth! After calling back and forth between the hospital and vital records for over two hours, I finally flipped. I think it might have had something to do with the frustration that I have a copy of her death certificate but not her birth....or maybe it was that the hospital gave me a state file # of another baby....but most likely it was the fact that the supervisor (I wasn't getting anywhere with the lady that answered the phone) from the hospital was nothing  but  rude and nasty telling me it wasn't her fault and I needed to call vital records and get it straightened out, a little compassion after all my baby died, I guess was too  much to ask for (which I think was what I ended up shouting at her)....Whatever it was I was frustrated beyond belief. How can it be so hard to receive a copy of a birth certificate. I finally told the supervisor from the hospital to call the supervisor from vital records and then let me know what they figure out. When I didn't receive a return call I let Nick call, he was told that there was a mistake (first time ever for this hospital and it happened to be our baby) and that she had to resubmit the info and would let us know as soon as it went through. Imagine my surprise when we heard nothing back, big shocker! I called vital records today they said that they received all of the info and would be sending out her birth certificate by the end of the week. As if losing my child isn't enough, I had to go through the 5th degree to get a copy of her birth certificate.....crossing my fingers hoping it comes!

We went away this week-end with the kids to the Farm Show, it's something that we try to do every year with them. While we all had a good time I can honestly say the entire week-end I felt like something was missing. I know its not a something but a someone, my baby girl...she should have been with us, it should have been her first farm show, her first trip to a hotel. But it's not, I will never get those first times with her; her first smile, first laugh, her first reaction to the animals. The only first I got with her was the first and last time I got to meet her. I look at my kids and feel sadness because I will never get the moments I have with them with Giovanna; when she's in the car annoying her brothers or whining when are we going to be there. It just doesn't seem fair she's not here with us. It seems like babies are all around me....except mine. I miss her more then words can ever say, I wish for one more moment with her. I had a dream the other night that I was holding her and looking for something for her to wear, it seemed so real, I was frustrated because I couldn't find anything...then I remembered, I didn't have any clothes for her I gave them all away because she died. Sometimes it feels like a bad dream, I wish I could wake up and have her here with us...but its not, I cant, she's gone and it hurts so bad.

Well, it's a new year....what can I say about that...Time to change the calendar and try to remember the right year when writing it, other then that today's the same as yesterday and every other day. Except on Jan 1st last year we found out that we were expecting our precious baby girl, Giovanna, a secret we kept for many weeks/months. When I say weeks/months I mean we really didn't tell anyone until about April. Anyone that knows Nick and I knows that not something easy to do....especially when the news was so exciting. The fear of losing our baby early in the pregnancy was great because the pain of my miscarriage was so fresh, we didn't want to put our kids and family through that kind of loss again. Little did we know how much greater the loss would be. That we would only have hours to spend with our baby girl, that we would be coming home from the hospital without her. There are still many days where it just doesn't seem real...we had a baby and she died, I wonder if that feeling will ever go away. Someone asked me the other day if we were going to try again...Joey answered them YES! Not sure where that came from but obviously the wise 6 year old thinks we are. I have learned in the last year their are no guarantee's, just because your pregnant doesn't mean you get a baby and just because you have a baby doesn't mean it will live....what a harsh reality. I know I've blogged quite a few times about the loss of innocence that goes with losing a child but that's because it really does get lost, in a way that's hard to imagine. If your reading my blog because you have had a loss you know exactly what I mean and if your a friend reading this I hope you never have to truly understand what I mean. So as the new year begins I look forward, not with any great expectations but just with hope...I'm hoping for a uneventful year! I pray that all of my family and friends have a happy and healthy year!