Today is Giovanna's 6 month birthday...I can't believe I made it a half a year without her...that it's been a half a year since I held my baby girl. Today was a sunny day, it reminded me of the day she was born. I remember the first time I held her, she was still hooked up to the ventilator so we had to be really careful, she was so perfect, so peaceful. I remember looking down at her and wishing she would open her eyes and cry. Such a simple sound, a baby crying, one that I never got a chance to hear from my beautiful daughter. I have 8.5 hours of memories and in all actuality I really only have about 4 because she was with the doctors the other time and we didnt get but a brief chance to see her...4 hours to last me my entire life. I think about those 4 hours often, I try to remember every detail, there is nothing that I want to forget...I want to remember every second, no matter how joyful or painful, those are my memories of my baby girl.  So I can say in the last 6 months I have learned that the pain doesn't go away, but it gets a little easier to live with, its always still here, under the surface. The fact that a part of me and our family is missing and it will always be. While I feel that I am healing I still think about her everyday and how different our lives would be with her here in our arms...how big she would be getting, learning to crawl, laughing and playing with her big sisters and brothers, starting to eat baby food. I can't let myself focus on what we don't have, the memories we don't have with her. I have to remember that she was a special baby, too special for earth so she got to go straight to be with Jesus. Over these last 6 months I have learned so much about myself, my faith, my family and my friends. There have been many days I know that God alone has carried me through, without my faith I don't know how I would be where I am today. Nick has been so great through all this I know at times he is frustrated with me but he's always there to support me, I love him more every day...even the days he tells me I look a lot older then I am! I have found some great friends in people that I never thought would be so supportive and I have lost some friends that I thought were great friends, I guess it goes to show when the going gets tough, you know whose there for you and I am so thankful for those people that have been there for us and for our family...and the ones that haven't thats ok too, I understand. Things that I use to think were so important really don't matter much anymore...at the end of the day all that matters is my family, they mean more to me then anything...I love them all! I try to remind myself daily that although I might think I have big problems, my problems really arn't that big, there are so many people in this world who have much bigger problems and I pray for them that they may find peace, happiness and health.