I've tried to write this post at least 100 times but I can never seem to....I think part of it might be because this blog is dedicated to Giovanna and I don't want anything to take away from her. Some of you may already know (if you've seen me lately you can stop wondering if I'm getting fat) Nick and I are expecting our "Rainbow" baby sometime in October. This news brings so many mixed emotions...I want to be excited but the fear is overwhelming. One thing that I learned through Giovanna's death is that a pregnancy does not equal a baby, even a healthy problem free pregnancy....and a baby does not equal a child any thing can happen life is precious and can be taken away in a instant. I can't help but think back to this time last year when the kids were starting school and I was getting ready for Giovanna...we had all the baby stuff set up, clothing washed and in the dresser and we were ready to bring our baby home...then I think about the days after Giovanna died and packing up it all up to give away because I didn't think we would ever have another baby. One of my biggest fears is that this baby will make people forget about Giovanna and I don't want that to happen, as uncomfortable as it is for some people and as much as it hurts I don't want my bay girl forgotten! I don't want is for people to act like this baby is a replacement of Giovanna, that I'm no longer grieving the lost of my daughter because I have a new baby...I will always love and miss her and the memories that I should have made with her. Anyone with more then one kid knows that you love them all equally, there maybe different qualities that you like about each of them but you love them all the same and although Giovanna was only here for a short time I don't love her any less then my living children. I have already had people (who know about Giovanna) say well this baby will be your tie-breaker...you already have 2 girls and 2 boys...I want to shout at them NO this baby is not the tie-breaker...I have 3 daughters, I had a baby I loved from the moment she was conceived, carried to term, was born alive and died...she was my daughter and always will be..she was no less 'real' then any of us are and I love and miss her every day!