Welcome to my blog....I started this blog to express my feeling in the life and death of my precious angel, Giovanna Jean. She will always be in our hearts....we love you baby girl!

If you have found my blog because you to have experienced a loss please take a moment to sign my guest book.

I'm writing this blog for me, to express my feelings in this difficult time, if I upset or offend you in anyway, sorry stop reading!

Friday, February 17, 2012

I normally don't have time to watch the news, I know that sounds awful but I'm usually busy with something, transferring kids to some sort of sporting event...the most news I get it what I hear on the radio in the car. Last night I had a rare few minutes before basketball to catch the evening news...the main story was about a 3 day old infant who was bitten on the head by the family dog and later died. As you may imagine, as soon as I heard that story my heart broke for that mother and family, such a horrible thing to have happen...I'm sure it was the last thing she expected when she walked out of that room for a second. I know that feeling too well; when the last thing you expect is for your child to die and it happens.
What amazes me the most is the blame that people are instantly putting on this mother.
 "She was young, 21 with 3 kids what do you expect" ARE you kidding me?!? I was young too 24 with 4 kids (don't I wish I was still that young)...did that mean I was a bad mother, that my child deserved to die? Just because your young doesn't automatically make you a bad mother. Come on, you can be a bad mother at 17 or 37!  I was a mother at 17 and although it wasn't planned that didn't make me a bad mother; if anything I think it made me a better mother, I had something to prove, I loved Bailee from the moment I learned I was pregnant, she changed me in so many ways and I'm proud of that!
"Why would any mother put their baby on the floor" SERIOUSLY...Gabriella is on the floor right now beside me in her bouncer seat(I guess she should technically be in bed this late, but that is part of my paranoia that comes from losing a baby)...where else should I put her, on the table or couch so maybe she falls off? Does that make me a bad mother? I doubt that in fact there is a warning on the seat not to out it on the table!
It's so easy for us to judge other people even though we never walked in their shoes. I'm sure there has been judging of me behind my back and I can honestly tell you...I really don't give a crap what anyone thinks! Since losing Giovanna that is something that I try really hard not to do, judge. I can say for sure I will never judge a grieving mother on how she grieves for her child. Although, I have never met this women and know nothing about her except what I heard on the news; I can almost guarantee you she never would have left that room if she thought her dog would hurt her baby. She will live with that guilt for the rest of her life. Even thought I know there was nothing I did to cause Giovanna to die, I still live with the feeling of maybe there was something I could have done to saved her...maybe we should have waited a little longer to take her off life support, maybe I should have fought harder (for what I don't know). All I know was at that time in that moment when those doctors told me my baby may not make it for our priest to baptize all I could think of was that we needed to have her in our arms I couldn't bare the thought of her laying on that table all alone in pain. I will constantly live in regret of that day..we didn't get enough picture, the pictures weren't good enough, I wish more of my family would have gotten a chance to met her, I should have spent more time holding her after she passed...but I can't go back, there are no do-overs in life, I have to accept what was mine and go on the best I can. Yeah on the surface things may seem back to normal in our house, I laugh and smile, I don't cry everyday, I have a new baby and I go on with my live but they will never be 'normal' for me again I will constantly miss my baby, constantly wonder what live would be like with her here. I truly believe in my heart that Giovanna going home to Heaven instead of home with us was God's plan but that doesn't make the pain go away...maybe it makes me feel a little better to know how special she was, chosen to go Home but my heart is still broken! I love you baby girl..our special angel!

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Another month has passed...17 months since I held my baby girl. I miss Giovanna so much, not a day goes by that I don't think about her...what she would look like, the new things she would be learning. My big realisation this month is that we will never have a 'family' picture with our entire family...our precious angel and our rainbow will never be together in a family picture and that hurts. When I was pregnant with Gabriella I thought the pain would magically go away when I could finally hold my baby in my arms...somedays it seems worse, all of the memories I get to make with Gabriella I'll never have with Giovanna. I wish Gabriella would have gotten to meet her big sister I imagine they would have been the best of friends. Over the last 17 months I've learned to live life to the fullest being thankful for ever crazy day I have. I've recently had two friends lose their dads my heart breaks for them I can't imagine the pain of losing a parent. When Giovanna died I lost part of myself, my innocence, I now live in a world where babies die...its a awful pain that no parent should have to feel. I find myself wishing for one more day with her I know that I'll have all eternity someday. So tonight precious baby know that I love and miss you everyday and look forward to eternity with you! I love you baby girl!