Today Giovanna would have been four months old, it was a hard day. I went back to the hospital where she was born to get a copy of  my medical records, there are just some things I need to understand but that's a whole other post. It was hard, the last time I was there I was filled with such excitement, we were about to meet our baby girl, we had been waiting for this day for so long. I remember the feelings of excitement and I'm trying not to let the joy of her birth be overshadowed by her death. I just keep remembering those few minutes that we thought that everything was going to be ok...but it wasn't. It was hard going back there but I did it. There is one memory that is sticking in my mind, when we got to the hospital Nick said to me we forgot the car seat and I said don't worry, we'll get it when we need it, then he asked me if I wanted to bring the diaper bag in and I said no, we'll get it later....was that because some part of me know that when later came we wouldn't need any of those thing. I think about how ready I was for her, I think I had my bag and hers packed for like 4 weeks. I remember not knowing what to bring her to wear home because I wasn't sure how big she would be, I thought she was going to be little (she was my smallest) but she wasn't really that little. Although, she got to wear the outfit I picked out 'home' it wasn't to our home. I wish I could go back to that day and have a do-over, to bad we don't get those in life.
When I got home the copy of her birth certificate was waiting for me in the mail box. If you've read my other post you know what a journey it was to get this. I was so excited when I opened it, I wasn't prepared for the big black word DECEASED to be stamped on it. I'm not sure why I didn't think that it would say that after all I have a copy of the death certificate, I know shes dead, I cant for get that, I just wasn't expecting it to be there... I think that the shock of losing my baby girl has worn off and the reality of life without her has set in, it makes me so sad to think of all the things that I will never get to share with her and the few memories that we have. I know I need to be grateful for the memories I have and the time I got to have with her, there are so many other BLMs that didn't even get what I had, the pain they feel is unimaginable to me. I know so many people have kept our family in their thoughts and prayers these last couple of months and that means the word to me knowing that you remember our precious baby girl. I pray for all that have lost a love one that God my grant us peace until we meet again.....