Fifteen months...I find it hard to believe that if Giovanna had lived I would be the mother to a fifteen month old today. I can't even begin to think what that would be like...I have a hard time remember what a fifteen month old is like, even though I've had four of them. I have wanted to blog so many times the last few weeks but adjusting to life with a newborn hasn't given me too many opportunities so bare with me this blog will probably be all over the place.
Sunday night we attended the Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candlelighting at West Penn, this is the second year that we have attended this with our children. It is heartbreaking to see all of the families that have lost a child but it is also comforting to hear Giovanna's name read aloud and for her to be remembered by someone. Nick asked me when we got home that night if I thought it hurt less this year then last year and I can honestly say no, I doubt that it will ever quit hurting but I think that I'm learning to cope with the pain a little better. We've been talking about Giovanna a lot the last few weeks and we put up her Christmas tree with all of the ornaments that were given to us. Joey asked me last week how we were going to tell Gabriella about Giovanna...I never really thought about it. I have already told Gabriella how special she is because she has her own angel, her big sister who watches over her all the time. I hope that we never have to 'tell' Gabriella about Giovanna that she always knows her because we talk about her...she's our baby girl, my third daughter, always part of our family. Even though we may not have years of memories to share with Gabriella we can still honor and remember Giovanna everyday.
After reading a status update today on facebook it made me realize how people feel bad for themselves...poor me. I don't want to feel bad for myself, I don't want it to be poor me, my baby died, I don't want your sympathy...I'm not happy my baby died it has been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with, I constantly think about her and miss her but if a baby had to die that day I'm glad it was mine and that some other family was spared of the pain of losing a child...a pain that is unimaginable. I know that might sound crazy to most people...to be honest it sounds a little crazy to me...but losing Giovanna is the worst pain I have even felt and I wouldn't wish that on anyone else. As much as it hurts I'm so thankful that God choose me to be Giovanna's mom, even though she was only here for a short time, I was the one that was chosen as her mother, to carry her and love her and I thank God for that everyday. I don't want people to feel bad for me because she died because I'm grateful that she lived! Yes, I'm sad she's not here in my arms but I'm so grateful for the time I had with her and the eternity that I will have with her. God has blessed me and my family in so many ways. I know things don't always go the way we plan or want in life and it's easy to feel bad for ourselves when things are tough but I will continue to try to see through the dark and hard times and remember how blessed I am. When times get to hard I know that I have God to carry me through just as he has done in the past.
Happy 15 months in Jesus' arms baby girl! I know you know how much I love and miss you!
Thank you God for allowing me to be Giovanna's mom and all of the blessing you have given me!