Welcome to my blog....I started this blog to express my feeling in the life and death of my precious angel, Giovanna Jean. She will always be in our hearts....we love you baby girl!

If you have found my blog because you to have experienced a loss please take a moment to sign my guest book.

I'm writing this blog for me, to express my feelings in this difficult time, if I upset or offend you in anyway, sorry stop reading!

Saturday, April 14, 2012

19 months

Another month has passed in our crazy lives. So many nights I want to get on the computer and blog but I'm usually so tired from running all day. I know that's a crappy excuse I need to make it a priority but the day usual gets away from me before I know it.
Giovanna, however is never far from my thoughts. I think about her everyday and how my life would be with her here. Sometimes Gabriella just cracks up laughing when no one is anywhere near her, I like to think its her big sister saying hi to her. Nick made the comment the other day that she looks like Giovanna and he was right she does. That was one of my fears whtn I was pregnant that she would be born and look exactly like Giovanna, thankfully she didn't. As she grows though and her face feels out I can definatly see Giovanna in her. I constantly hear how much she looks like Jaden and Joey and she does too she follows the trend of our kids...2 girls the first blond the second brown, 2 boys the first blond the second brown and 2 more girls, Giovanna's hair was dark, she didn't have much of it but it was dark I wonder if it would have turned light like Bubba's did...
Today someone commented to how 'spoiled' Gabriella is, I just agreed with them...can't argue with the truth! I can't help it, I can't stand to let her cry, I'll admit most of my day consist of holding her, feeding her and playing with her. She has my undivided attention. The little things that annoy most mom (and I'll admit drove me crazy with my older 4) don't bother me in the least, I don't mind not being able to get anything done, feeling like the day was a complete success because I did laundry and made dinner, getting up 2-4 times and night (it reassures me she's still breathing as awful as that sounds and if by some chance she does sleep, I don't). I know that losing Giovanna has caused me to cherish Gabriella that much more and I'm thankful for that. It drives me crazy when I hear moms complaining about how demanding a baby is...they're suppose to be. I would give anything to have been able to wake up in the middle of the night and take care of my baby girl. I realize that all of these memories we are making I'll never have with Giovanna, when I think back I wish I would have know how limited my time was going to be, maybe I would have cherished my pregnancy more and not complained so much. I really don't know, all I know for sure is that 19 months later the pain is still here, I've learned to live with it better, my heart doesn't break when I see a baby but I know Gabriella has a lot to so with that. I have no choice but to think that things turned out the way they did for a reason...one I may never know the answer too but still a reason. Because of Giovanna's short life I am thankful for every moment I have with my kids that much more (even when they're driving me nuts, which is quite often then the older girls!)
As another month passes baby girl know that I think of you often, miss you more then you'll ever know and love you more then words can say!