I'm not really sure why but I've been in an awful mood these last few days...I swear everyone I come in contact with; aside from Nick and the kids, is annoying to me. I'm trying my best to play nice but I know its not going to well. If you know me then you probably know that I am usually nice but I can honestly say I haven't been these last few days. I'm not sure what's causing it (and its not PMS) I don't know if its the fact that it seems I'm always doing something for someone else and still have to listen to people complain when they wont just do it themselves or have them tell me their too busy, cause I'm not, I do nothing all day. I think if Giovanna was here then I would have a reason to not have to do it all, but I don't I lost my reason 4 and 1/2 months ago. I know and Nick reminds me daily that I don't have to do all that I do; I could just say forget it but then what am I left to do....sit home and miss my baby, it's a double edged sword. I think back to this time last year I was enjoying my time, volunteering for the kids activities, going to lunch with friends, savoring those last few months that I was going to have 'alone' while all the kids were in school before we did it all over again with a new baby....but that didn't happen, nothing changed except our baby was born and died and here I sit 'alone' the only difference is I'm not enjoying it. It shouldn't be this way, I shouldn't be 'alone' I should be taking care of my baby girl. I should be to tired from taking care of a baby to volunteer for everything. I called the social security office today to find out that along with not applying for her birth certificate the hospital also didn't submit her social security card application, although I'm sure it doesn't matter, she'll never need a social security number anyway, but I still would have liked to have that for her. There's a lot of things I would have liked to have for her that she never will....thats our reality. I have no other choice but to live with it.