As we approach the New Year I'm filled with mixed emotions. This last year has not been one of the best for our family. There have been a few moments when I don't think I can take anymore, then God gives me something else. I have to remind myself daily, it could be worse. Don't get me wrong, I know the good times far outweighed the bad but its hard to remember that sometimes. There has been more joy and heartache this year then I ever thought possible. When I think back to last New Years it doesn't seem possible that all of these things happened in just one year. I can remember thinking last December, I can't wait for this year to be over, it was a rough year...if only I knew how much harder 2010 was going to be. While I'm looking forward to 2011 and the promises it might bring, I am also sad to see 2010 end...after all it was the year we welcomed our beautiful baby girl, Giovanna Jean into this world. Although she left us way to soon I will always cherish the time we had with her. I feel that 2010 has made me a stronger person, stronger then I could ever imagine...I didn't know I had it in me to get through the things that I did. I'm not saying I'm getting through them the best way but its whats working for me. I remember when Joey had his accident and I had to drive myself to Pittsburgh because I couldn't go with him, I think that might have been the longest, loneliest drive of my life, every time I called Nick to see how it was doing I got...I don't know just hurry up and get here! Seeing my baby boy in the PICU after surgery on a ventilator was one of the scariest things ever. Little did I know just two short months later my baby girl would be in the NICU fighting for her life on a ventilator. I've seen the inside of the hospital more then I ever wanted this year. I remember when my nieces were born telling Nick that would be so hard to leave them in the NICU, I didn't know how my sister was doing it...I wish I could have left my baby girl in the NICU and she would have gotten better.
I have learned many things this year about life, myself, my family and my friends...The one thing I will never forget, is that there are no guarantee's in life, live it to the fullest you never know when it might end but it really doesn't end, just your life here on earth ends, you have all of eternity to be with Jesus and the ones you love!

Some days I feel like everything is going to be ok...others hurt so bad. I guess that's what happens when you lose someone special. Tonight I'm praying for everyone who lost someone special that they love....may you find comfort.

"If you know someone who has lost a child, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died--you're not reminding them. They didn't forget they died. What you're reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and that is a great gift." ~Elizabeth Edwards~

Someone posted this quote on BBC and it touched me so much that I had to blog about it. It's one of the truest things I have heard since losing Giovanna. I'm unsure how anyone could forget that I had a baby, if you were around me at all you know that I was pregnant for 9 months, it wasn't like you could miss it or me whining about it. Yet so many people choose to act like nothing happened. I'm not stupid, I know its awkward to talk about and I'll be the first person to admit that I wouldn't know what to say to someone who lost their baby. But choosing to act like nothing happened doesn't make it go away, she wasn't the red headed stepchild, she was our baby girl love and wanted by us! When you say her name or ask me details, your not reminding me my baby died, that is something that I will never forget as long as I live. Yeah sometimes it makes me sad but that's ok, I also get great joy out of talking about her. She will always be a part of me, she's my daughter and its ok to be sad sometimes but I don't want her short life to be all about sadness. Sometimes I have no other choice but to laugh when I say something about when I was pregnant with Giovanna and people give me a look of terror....HELLO, if she had lived it would ok to talk about, right? Why is baby loss such a taboo subject, its painful, it sucks, its one of the worst things that a parent could have to go through but it happens more then any of us wish. I've been thinking a lot about next October 15, National Pregnancy and Infant Loss day, I figure if I start now by then I will have some sort of ceremony or walk planned. I want to honor all babies lost in pregnancy or as a infant. I want to talk about this taboo subject for just one day, not to scare people or to make them sad, just to remember out loud bc us moms never forget and hearing your babies name spoken feels so good. So if your a fellow baby loss survivor please post your info on my guest page or email your angels name, I want to include them.

I have been so busy the last few weeks preparing for Christmas, that I haven't had a chance to sit down and blog. As Christmas day approached I was dreading it, unsure as to how I would make it through, knowing it was suppose to be my precious baby girl's 1st Christmas. But I did it, I survived. I'm not going to lie, at times it was hard. I dont think it can ever be easy when you feel like part of you is missing.On Christmas Eve we meant 2 baby girls one born before Giovanna and one born shortly after. They are precious little things and a reminder of what we lost. It's hard not to constantly wonder what she would look like, how big she would be and how different our lives would be with her here. I've been thinking alot about Jesus' birth and that fact that God sent His son here to earth to live amoung us, to die for our sins...Can you think of a greater gift? Even though our precious baby isnt physically here with us she is in our hearts and minds always. The kids are starting to be able to talk about her without crying and that gives me great joy. Yes, its sad what happened to her but I dont want her life to be all about sadness, I want everyone to see the joy. The fact that we got to have her in our lives even though it was only a short time. She will always be here in our hearts and although we dont have her here with us, we will be together for all of eternity. My heart aches for my baby girl but I remind myself I have eternity to spend with her. 

Today our sweet baby girl would be 3 months old...I find it hard to believe that 3 months has came and gone. I know it sounds cliché but time really has flown by, it seems like last week she was born not 3 months ago. I miss her and what would have been so much every day. I wonder what she would be like, who would she look like, would she be laughing out loud, rolling over....would she be sleeping through the night?
It breaks my heart that she isn't here with us getting ready to celebrate her first Christmas. I know that she is safe in Jesus' arms but that knowledge doesn't take away the pain of not having her here with us. The pain of missing her doesn't go away, maybe learing how to live with it gets easier. I can honestly say that I thought I was learning how to live with it but the closer we get to Christmas the less true that seems. Maybe its how you feel 3 months after the loss of someone so special, maybe its the holidays, I really don't know all that I do know is I miss her so much. I would give anything to have her here celebrating her 'First' Christmas with us, enjoying all the lights, wearing a little Baby's 1st Christmas outfit...if only we could change the past.
I'll leave you with a  quote I recently read somewhere along the lines of  “A wife who loses a husband is called a widow.  A husband who loses a wife is called a widower.  A child who loses his parents is called an orphan.  But . . . there is no word for a parent who loses a child, that’s how awful the loss is!”

Tonight we attended a  Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting Ceremony at West Penn Hospital. Although, it hurts its also comforting to see we're not alone in our loss and to have Giovanna's memory honored. We took the kids with us, this is the first time that they attended something like this, and it was hard. Nick and I went to a beautiful ceremony back in Oct for Pregnancy and Infant Loss (thank you Sherri) but we chose not to take the kids. The speaker this evening said something along the lines of a loss of a child is a loss of innocence. That's totally describes how I feel...not only did we lose our precious baby girl but our children lost part of their innocence. Although, I know its not my fault it still hurts so bad. As a mother you don't want your children to hurt and when you cant fix whats hurting them its the worst feeling. Seeing them crying over their baby sister breaks my heart (I can deal with them crying bc they're arguing with each other) There is nothing I can do to 'fix' it, to bring our baby girl back, to take their pain away...God knows if I could, I would.  We were given a candle with a beautiful saying...We pray this night to understand, Why something so lovely cannot stay, God's miracle in the night, A snowflake sent to melt our hearts away.

Giovanna's Tree

While I would give anything to have my baby girl here with us this Christmas, she gets to spend it with Jesus. I think that this first Christmas may possibly be one of the hardest. It was suppose to be Giovanna's 1st Christmas, we were going to get her all dressed up and take tons of pictures, the kids were so excited to have a baby sister. All we have now is the memory of a few short hours we spent with her and the thoughts of what could have been. She will always be a important part of our lives and she will live forever in our hearts...She is our 5th child, my 3rd daughter and the kids baby sister.  Although I know we all think about her daily I wanted a special way to honor her during the holidays. So we talked about it and the boys came up with the idea of a 'Angel' tree....what started out as a small pink tree turned into a 7 foot artificial tree. We decorated the tree with pink & silver bulbs & bows and when that wasn't enough we added pink butterflies. Bubba insisted we put the train he got for his birthday around Giovanna's Tree instead of our regular tree (I think he thought it was going to get lost in that mess of branches we call a tree, but that's a whole other story). Any special ornaments that are given to us over the holidays will also be placed on Giovanna's Tree.

Our 'Angel' Tree

A good friend gave us this special ornament. 

 Given to us shortly after Giovanna died....Christmas seemed so far away then.

I saw this and couldn't resist.

As the weather turns cold and Christmas approaches I find myself missing Giovanna more then words can describe. My baby girl should be here with us getting ready to celebrate her first Christmas. I should be out buying her first Christmas outfit and having pictures taken not searching for angel ornaments for her tree...it breaks my heart that she cant be here with us. I try so hard to stay positive and thankful for what we have but some days it hurts so bad for what we dont have. I know the kids miss her and that hurts...just praying we can make it through the holidays.....

Thanksgiving

      I wanted to write this post on Thanksgiving but it was too crazy between cooking for our families, the guys at Nick's work and getting ready for blk Friday I started my list last week and wanted to post it....
      As expected Thanksgiving was hard without Giovanna, not a day goes by that I don't miss her like crazy but I tried not to focus on what I don't have and be thankful for what I do have; aside from the normal things like food, shelter & health here is some of what I am most thankful for:

• I'm thankful for my baby girl, Giovanna. Although she was only here for a short time she has taught me more about myself, my faith & what really matters then I ever thought possible. She has given me a new appreciation for life.
• I'm thankful for my wonderful husband who has been my rock, it's been a long road and I couldnt have made it without him, I love him more & more everyday.
• I'm thankful for Bailee, Jaden, Bubba & Joey, that I get to be their mom & watch them grow and have them here to drive me nuts.
• I'm thankful for the doctors & nurses at Indiana & Childrens hospitals, without them & God I really believe that Joey wouldnt be here today, a true miracle!
• I'm thankful for my family, they love & support me in everything, they grieve Giovanna with us. They say you can pick your friends not your relatives...if I could I would still pick them, their craziness and all, my life wouldnt be half as interesting without them! Love you guys!
• I'm thankful for my nieces, Kyra & Amya, that they are here & healthy after such a rough start, they're reminders of God's miracles.
• I'm thankful for my friends who have been here for our family, I am overwhelmed by the love & support they have given us, not only when we the loss of Giovanna but also when Joey had his accident.
• I'm thankful that I know God and have Him to carry me through.
• I'm thankful for every day that I wake up to all the blessings that I have.

      When you lose someone special it's hard not to let the anger & bad feelings consume you. I choose to count my blessings and be thankful for the time I had with Giovanna, even though it was short I still got to have her in my life and she will be in my heart forever. I love and miss her daily but I'm not angry, what would that solve, it wont bring my baby back, it will just make me a miserable person and the world has enough of that!
      This song has been stuck in my head all evening "Life's a dance you learn as you go, Sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow, Don't worry about what you don't know, Life's a dance you learn as you go" I'm learning this dance as I go, that's all I can do.

I find myself coming across so many pregnant woman now (I'm not sure, maybe its in the water) and the overwhelming need to "warn" them that babies die. Not that their baby is going to die but that it can happen. It's terrible, I don't want to be that "crazy" lady who rains on their parade but I feel like I was caught so off guard by Giovanna's death.  I thought I was having a baby not a angel. During my pregnancy my biggest concern was that she was going to be a she b/c I bought all these girl clothes, not whether or not she would live. I had 4 babies, one of which had the cord around her neck and one who had a true-knot and they were fine.....why wouldn't she be. There are so many things I wish I would have done...if only I knew she wasn't coming home. I wish I would have been prepared...but can you ever be prepared to bury your baby? I recently read a book by a woman who lost her daughter and while it was a very good read, I'm sure that's where these feelings are coming from; they knew that their baby girl was going to die but they still choose to carry to term. I'm not sure I could have done that, I'd like to think I would have but I don't know. Until your in a situation you never know what you'd do. The faith and strength of the family amaze me, how they cherished every moment they had with their baby before she was ever born. That's what I regret the most, being so miserable during my pregnancy, not realizing how limited my time was with Giovanna, our time as a family...I wish I would have taken the kids to the drs appointments so they could have heard her heartbeat and let them feel her move more. Trying to avoid the heart-ache if something were to go wrong, we didn't even let them in on the pregnancy until it was half way over. I just wish I would have enjoyed it more, alone, with Nick and with the kids. I know I can't change the past, I can look forward to the future trusting in His plan for us.
Psalm 46:2 God is our refuge and our strength, an ever-present help in distress.

Poems...

Here are a couple of poems I found online that I wanted to share.... 

 DON"T CRY

unknown author

Daddy please don't look so sad
Mommy please don't cry
Cause I am in the arms of Jesus
and He sings me lullabies.

Please try not to question God
Don't think He is unkind
Don't think he sent me to you
And then he changed his mind

You see, I am a special Child
And I am needed up above
I'm the special gift you gave him
The product of your love

I'll always be there with you
And watch the sky at night
Find the brightest star that's gleaming
That's my eyes shining bright

You'll se me in the morning frost
That mists your windowpane
That's me, in the summer showers
I'll be dancing in the rain

When you feel a gentle breeze
From a gentle wind that blows
That's me! I'll be there
Planting a kiss upon your nose

When you see a child playing
And your heart feels a little tug
That's me! I'll be there
Giving your heart a hug

So, Daddy please don't look so sad
Mommy don't you cry
I'm in the arms of Jesus
And He sings me lullabies

My Mom is a Survivor

Kaye Des'Ormeaux

My Mom is a survivor,
or so I've heard it said.
But I can hear her crying at night
when all others are in bed.
I watch her lie awake at night
and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her
to help her understand.
But like the sands on the beach
that never wash away...
I watch over my surviving mom,
who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others...
a smile of disguise!
But through Heaven's door I see
tears flowing from her eyes.
My mom tries to cope with death
to keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows
it is her way to survive.
As I watch over my surviving mom
through Heaven's open door...
I try to tell her that angels
protect me forevermore.
I know that doesn't help her...
or ease the burden she bears.
So if you get a chance, go visit her...
and show her that you care.
For no matter what she says...
no matter what she feels.
My surviving mom has a broken heart
that time won't ever heal.

THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM
By Terry Kettering
There’s an elephant in the room.
It is large and squatting,
so it is hard to get around it.
Yet we squeeze by with,
“How are you?” and, “I’m fine,”
and a thousand other forms of trivial chatter.
We talk about the weather;
we talk about work;
we talk about everything else—
except the elephant in the room.
There’s an elephant in the room.
We all know it is there.
We are thinking about the elephant
as we talk together.
It is constantly on our minds.
For, you see, it is a very big elephant.
It has hurt us all, but we do not talk about
the elephant in the room.
Oh, please, say her name.
Oh, please, say “Barbara” again.
Oh, please, let’s talk about
the elephant in the room.
For if we talk about her death,
perhaps we can talk about her life.
Can I say, “Barbara” to you
and not have you look away?
For if I cannot,
then you are leaving me alone
in a room—with an elephant.

     Friday, Nov 13, 2009 is another date that will be etched in my heart forever. Nick and I went for an ultrasound to get an exact due date, the estimated due date was June 20, the same date I had for Bailee and Joey although neither of them choose to arrive that day. That's when we found out that there was no baby just an empty sac. As much as I hoped that the dates were just wrong I knew that we lost our baby. The hardest part of that was telling the kids because they were so excited to have a baby brother or sister. When I found out I was pregnant with Giovanna just 6 weeks later we were so excited. We decided not to make the same mistake twice and kept VERY quiet about this pregnancy and you all know how hard it is for me to keep my mouth shut. I didn't want my kids to have to go through a loss again. We waited until after the gender ultrasound in April to tell everyone, thinking we were in the clear. Losing a baby is awful no matter when but losing one so close to the finish is like starting something you know you will never be able to finish. I feel like I was blindsided, I had no idea it was coming. Every time I see a pregnant women I feel the need to warn them that babies sometimes die so that if God-forbid something happened to their baby they would be prepared. But I don't say anything because no matter what I don't think you are ever prepared to lose a child, it's the worse feeling in the world.
     When I had my miscarriage, my sister had just found out she was expecting twins and my nephew said to me, only as innocently as a child can..."Aunt Zarah, grandma told me you lost your baby...don't worry my mom's not going to lose our babies, she knows right were she put them!" That is the second worst feeling, knowing that I took that innocence away from my kids...they have to live in my world where babies die. I know that God is not only carriing me through this but also my family, He is the Light at the end of the darkness.

tomorrow

     Tomorrow marks a special day, Giovanna would be 2 months old. I find myself wondering so many things about her...what she would look like, how big she would be, how the kids would have adjusted to her. It's been so long since I had a 2 month old (6 years and 3 months), I can't even remember what they can do, do they smile and laugh? These last 2 months have passed by so quickly. I keep thinking about how when I was 7 months pregnant her due date seemed so far away....It funny when your waiting for something good to happen, 2 months is a eternity and when your missing someone you love so much, time flies.  I miss my baby girl like crazy and I can't believe it's been 2 months since I held her in my arms and kissed her.
     I remember this day 2 months ago like it was yesterday, I had a drs appointment where I had a NST done, on the way to my appointment I stopped at a car wash because I wanted a clean car to bring my baby home in, and you all know how messy my car is. I went to Sam's club to get a few things because I knew whether she wanted to or not she was coming this week. The 3 younger kids were so excited, Jesse was picking them up at school and they were going to meet Nick to take down a corn crib that he bought. Bailee was home with the neighbor girls, making icees when I got home. I didn't do much that evening, Bailee & I hung around the house playing on the computer and watching tv, it was late when Nick got home with the kids and I was mad because they were tired, dirty, hungry and had homework. It's funny I can't remember what we did 2 weeks ago but I can remember 2months ago like yesterday. I think because 2 months agoI lived in a world where babies didn't die.
     I received a envelope today from the Bereavement Committee at West Penn, a committee I never knew existed until I lost my baby girl. In that envelope was a picture of Giovanna that I never knew was taken, a welcomed surprise. I will never have enough pictures of my baby girl. I wish we had more, more time, more pictures, more of  our lives to share with our baby girl.
     I got a new Catholic bible last week at RCIA, I guess when you are becoming Catholic they want you to have a Catholic bible. This evening I was looking through it and a scripture caught my eye...Proverbs 16;9 In his mind a man plans his course, but the Lord directs his steps. How true that is, we all plan our lives but it is He who directs them and there are times that the course that He takes us on is harder then we ever imagined and not the one we planned. I always thought, not me but it is me that he has chosen to be Giovanna's mother, to love her like only a mother does and to grieve her like only a mother can.  Although I was only able to hold her for a short time on earth I know I will hold her for eternity in His presence. It is He who carries me though my darkest times I know without a doubt that without my belief I wouldn't be able to make it.
     People always ask me how I'm doing...my answer is always the same ok. They don't want to know how bad it hurts, how I can't go 20 minutes without thinking about my baby girl and what is should have been. I feel for the sake of the ones that I love, I have no other choice but to do like that saying, fake it until you make it. Some days it feels like I'm beginning to make it, I think I'm slowly coming to terms with what happened and accepting it. Don't get me wrong just because I accept it doesn't mean that I don't hate it, or don't wish it never happened. I just feel that this is my journey and however good or bad it maybe it's mine and with every step of it my faith gets a little stronger. I have accepted that I am forever a different person, I will never be the same person I was before Giovanna because now I live in a world were babies die.

life's not fair....

     If you have more then one child you probably hear...."It's not fair he/she got this or that and I didn't" more times then you can imagine. If my kids have said that once they've said it a million times, probably daily. And although at that moment, to that child it really might not be fair, it all equals out in the end. I hear it so often that my automatic response is..."Life's not fair, what do you want me to do about it."
     There's nothing I can do to make life fair, nothing I can do to bring back my baby girl. I must except that although this is not the journey I choose for myself it's the one that was chosen for me and my entire family. I have no idea how to walk it, I just try to take it day by day or better yet moment by moment. Some moments or days are better then others but at the end of the day its still the same....I am a mother who lost her baby, Nick is still a dad who lost his daughter and my kids are still children who lost their baby sister and along with her, part of their innocence. It makes me sad and a little guilty that although I know it's not my fault, my children have to endure this pain and loss of innocence because of us. As a child, and even as a adult I never thought that babies die (although I know they do) until mine did. My children have the harsh reality of life really not being fair, they learned at a early age that babies do die and along with them so do hopes and dreams. Through all of this I think I've realized that every day truly is a gift....however fair or unfair that day maybe, it's another day that we have here on earth with the ones we love.

'What not to say to someone when they lose a baby.'

     I was reading a article titled 'What not to say to someone when they lose a baby.' Number one thing was 'It was God's will,' followed by 'It was meant to be'. Well those are two things that I say to myself daily. I guess that goes to show that even though I am dealing with the loss of my precious baby girl I still don't know what to say to another grieving mother.
     I truly do believe that it was God's choice to give my baby girl a first class ticket to heaven, just like it was his choice to leave Joey here on earth with us. If I've said it once I've said it a million times, it truly is a miracle that Joey is still here with us. Everything had to fall into place in order for him to live, some of you reading my blog might not be familiar with his story so I will give the short version. If you've heard this story a million times, that's what Joey says when I tell it, then skip this part!
     Over the 4th of July weekend (this past summer) my youngest son Joey (who had just turned 6) was riding the quad with his older sister. From what they have told me they hit a rock and the handle bars jolted and hit him in the abdomen causing no tears or for them to even stop their ride. About 45 mins later he came into the house and laid down on the couch, my middle daughter came outside and told me there was something wrong with him. I asked him what was wrong he then told me what happened (1st I heard about the quad) I looked at his stomach and saw a small brush burn, I figured broken ribs and told him we were going to the ER. Although I told him to stay home, Nick came with us to the hospital. When we arrived the Dr on duty immediately realized the severity of his injury and ordered a CT scan in which it was discovered he had a fairly large liver laceration. In less then a hour after we arrived at the ER he was being taken by helicopter (which he's still mad he didn't get to look out the window) to Children's Hospital of Pittsburgh. Being the mom that I am I was obviously going with him until I was told no, sorry your pregnant! Thankfully, Nick came with us to the hospital so he could go with him. When I arrived at Children's he was in surgery where he remained for about 3 hours. When we finally got to see him he was in the PICU on a ventilator, he remained in the PICU for 5 days. EVERYONE of the trauma Dr's that worked on him told us if it hadn't been for the liver specialist that was on call that day our son would have died. We later learned the severity of his injury, a grade5 liver laceration, the last time that a surgery was performed on a child due to a liver injury at Children's Hospital 7 years ago. He was released from the hospital after a week only to have to return a few days later for a bile leak due to the liver damage, he spent 9 more days there before he was able to come home. He saw the liver dr....Dr Bond a few weeks ago and according to Dr Bond he is recovering well and he shouldn't have to see him again unless complications arise.
    I truly believe that it was God's will that Joey is still with us...every piece of the puzzle had to fall into exact place in order for him to still be here. If Jaden hadn't came into the house with him he probably would have fell asleep, which would not have been a surprise to me, he was tired after playing outside all day, and never woken up due to the internal bleeding, if I would have dismissed his pains, like I sometimes do, if I'd have called 911 instead of taking him ourselves would the paramedics realized the severity, if the Dr at Indiana Hospital wouldn't have realized the severity of his injury, if I would have made him get that shower I was considering before we left (he was dirty) if Nick hadn't been there to ride along with him,  and the biggest if...if Dr Bond hadn't been on call.
     I can't believe in God's miracles if I don't believe that for whatever reason He choose to bring Giovanna home to His house instead of mine. I'm sure I'll never know why and it will never make sense why any baby has to die. But if it wasn't 'God's will' and 'meant to be' then I'm sure my son wouldn't be here today either. I take great comfort in knowing that my baby girl is at Home with God in his arms and although I miss her more then anything I know that I will see her again someday....your always in my heart and never far from my thoughts baby girl!

'Rainbow Baby'

A term I've come across quite often on the web is 'Rainbow Baby' If you've never experienced a loss you might not know what a 'Rainbow Baby' is....well
"Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.
Giovanna was our 'Rainbow Baby' and like a true rainbow her time here on earth was short but the impression she left in our hearts will never fade!

Today I'm mad....
     I shouldn't have had to say good bye so soon after meeting my baby girl, I should have came home with a baby not a empty car seat, I should have planned a baptism not a funeral, I should be listening to her cry, not crying myself, I should be waking up at night to take care of her not because I cant sleep from missing her, I should be watching her grow not wondering how big she would be today, I should be taking pictures of her not wishing I had more.
     Why...Why didn't I have a chance to be her mom?!? Why at times does life seem so unfair?!? Why is my baby girl not in my arms?!?
     Sometimes life just doesn't seem fair...babies shouldn't die. Mothers, fathers, brothers and sister shouldn't have to go through this pain!
I try to remain positive and count me blessings but some days it just makes me so mad!!!

Last night we attended mass for all souls day, they read the names of all who have died in the church this year, there were 51 names read. It's hard to believe that one of those names was our baby girl. It gives me comfort to know that I will see her again one day but it saddens me that she's not physically here with us. Halloween was this past week-end and while the kids had a ball trick-or-treating I just felt like something was missing. She should have been with us dressed in one of the little halloween buntings. It's just not fair...all the things she'll never do with us. I never got to feed her or hear her cry, she'll never spend a holiday with us or go on vacation...it's just not fair.  I struggle daily trying to remain positive and grateful for all the blessing I do have in my life but it's so hard when my heart aches for my baby girl. As we face the upcoming holidays I'm filled with dread, how will we get through all our baby girls first without her being part of them?!?

My New Normal - author unknown

Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family’s life.

Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentine’s Day, July 4th and Easter.

Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind.

Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.

Normal is staring at every baby who looks like she is my baby’s age. And then thinking of the age she would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.

Normal is telling the story of your child’s death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone’s eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my “normal”.

Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor my baby's memory and her birthday and survive these days.

Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special that my baby would have loved, but how she is not here to enjoy it.

Normal is having some people afraid to mention my baby.

Normal is making sure that others remember her.

Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.

Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.

Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you – it doesn’t compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.

Normal is trying not to cry all day, because I know my mental health depends on it.

Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.

Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, but someone stricken with grief over the loss of your child.

Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.

Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. “God may have done this because…” I love God, I know that my baby is in heaven, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why babies were taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.

Normal is wondering this time how many children you will tell a stranger that you have, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my baby is in heaven. And yet when you say you have no children to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your bab.

Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years.

And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have become “normal” for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are “normal”.

"Welcome Home"

     Today while cleaning off my desk I found the "Welcome Home" banner the kids made. There's a story behind this banner. When Joey was in the hospital the first time in July they made this banner and hung it across the kitchen, it said Welcome Home across the top and attached to the bottom was another piece of paper that said Joey. It hung in the kitchen for a few days, when I went to throw it away they said I couldn't. They were so proud of themselves, they said they made it so that when the baby was born they could take Joey's name off and put hers on, that way according to Bubba they didn't have to do the work twice....always thinking. While it breaks my heart to know that our baby girl is never coming "home" to our house, it comforts me to know that she is home with Jesus and someday I will hold her in my arms again.

A Pair of Shoes

I found this on another website....

"A Pair of Shoes"
author unknown

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think
about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Giovanna's Story

      Giovanna's story begins on January 1, 2010...with two lines, what a great way to start the New Year! After having a miscarriage in Nov we couldn't have been more excited and cautious. This time there were going to be no disappointments to our other children, we were being extra careful and waiting until the end of the first trimester to tell them. It's not easy keeping a secret from four noisy kids but we did it. Of course Nick and I went through the usual debate of finding out what our baby was going to be...I told him it doesn't matter what you say I know its a girl and on April 1st we found out I was right. The pregnancy progressed without any physical complications aside for the usual heartburn and sore back. By the end of Aug I was more then ready to meet my baby girl. The kids started back to school and one week turned into two, due date came and gone and still no baby. I had an appointment on Thurs Sept. 9th at which Sandy (my midwife) asked if I was ready for an induction, which I was more then ready for. She wanted to induce my Tues Sept 14th and I said no, she'd have to do it another day b/c Joey had a follow-up scheduled with the liver surgeon, so we settled on Thurs Sept 16th....little did I know Giovanna had a schedule of her own. I woke up around 5:30 on Tues Sept 14th having contractions. I told Nick I thought I might be in labor but wasn't sure (after all it was only my 5th baby) after some debating we decided it was best for him to call off work. All of the kids awoke early that morning I guess due to the excitement Joey insisted on pancakes while I finished packing their bags for grandmas. Nick took Bailee to the bus around 6:40 and that's when my water broke, while getting the kids their school clothes. I knew something wasn't right b/c my water was green. I had already had a call into the doctor to let them know that we were heading to the hospital. I remember on the way to drop the kids off at my moms how excited they were...talking about coming to see the baby as soon as school was over and I told them who knows, I might not have had her by then. They couldn't wait to meet their new baby sister; I think Jaden and Joey were especially excited.

Where to begin....

I'm searching for something to help me in my grieving so I figured I'd give blogging a try. It's been 5 weeks and 1 day since we said hello and good-bye to our precious angel. Never in a million years did I think that I would be a member of this club, a club I never really gave much thought to until I gained my membership, a club that we all wish never even existed.