Tomorrow marks a special day, Giovanna would be 2 months old. I find myself wondering so many things about her...what she would look like, how big she would be, how the kids would have adjusted to her. It's been so long since I had a 2 month old (6 years and 3 months), I can't even remember what they can do, do they smile and laugh? These last 2 months have passed by so quickly. I keep thinking about how when I was 7 months pregnant her due date seemed so far away....It funny when your waiting for something good to happen, 2 months is a eternity and when your missing someone you love so much, time flies. I miss my baby girl like crazy and I can't believe it's been 2 months since I held her in my arms and kissed her.
I remember this day 2 months ago like it was yesterday, I had a drs appointment where I had a NST done, on the way to my appointment I stopped at a car wash because I wanted a clean car to bring my baby home in, and you all know how messy my car is. I went to Sam's club to get a few things because I knew whether she wanted to or not she was coming this week. The 3 younger kids were so excited, Jesse was picking them up at school and they were going to meet Nick to take down a corn crib that he bought. Bailee was home with the neighbor girls, making icees when I got home. I didn't do much that evening, Bailee & I hung around the house playing on the computer and watching tv, it was late when Nick got home with the kids and I was mad because they were tired, dirty, hungry and had homework. It's funny I can't remember what we did 2 weeks ago but I can remember 2months ago like yesterday. I think because 2 months agoI lived in a world where babies didn't die.
I received a envelope today from the Bereavement Committee at West Penn, a committee I never knew existed until I lost my baby girl. In that envelope was a picture of Giovanna that I never knew was taken, a welcomed surprise. I will never have enough pictures of my baby girl. I wish we had more, more time, more pictures, more of our lives to share with our baby girl.
I got a new Catholic bible last week at RCIA, I guess when you are becoming Catholic they want you to have a Catholic bible. This evening I was looking through it and a scripture caught my eye...Proverbs 16;9 In his mind a man plans his course, but the Lord directs his steps. How true that is, we all plan our lives but it is He who directs them and there are times that the course that He takes us on is harder then we ever imagined and not the one we planned. I always thought, not me but it is me that he has chosen to be Giovanna's mother, to love her like only a mother does and to grieve her like only a mother can. Although I was only able to hold her for a short time on earth I know I will hold her for eternity in His presence. It is He who carries me though my darkest times I know without a doubt that without my belief I wouldn't be able to make it.
People always ask me how I'm doing...my answer is always the same ok. They don't want to know how bad it hurts, how I can't go 20 minutes without thinking about my baby girl and what is should have been. I feel for the sake of the ones that I love, I have no other choice but to do like that saying, fake it until you make it. Some days it feels like I'm beginning to make it, I think I'm slowly coming to terms with what happened and accepting it. Don't get me wrong just because I accept it doesn't mean that I don't hate it, or don't wish it never happened. I just feel that this is my journey and however good or bad it maybe it's mine and with every step of it my faith gets a little stronger. I have accepted that I am forever a different person, I will never be the same person I was before Giovanna because now I live in a world were babies die.