Friday, Nov 13, 2009 is another date that will be etched in my heart forever. Nick and I went for an ultrasound to get an exact due date, the estimated due date was June 20, the same date I had for Bailee and Joey although neither of them choose to arrive that day. That's when we found out that there was no baby just an empty sac. As much as I hoped that the dates were just wrong I knew that we lost our baby. The hardest part of that was telling the kids because they were so excited to have a baby brother or sister. When I found out I was pregnant with Giovanna just 6 weeks later we were so excited. We decided not to make the same mistake twice and kept VERY quiet about this pregnancy and you all know how hard it is for me to keep my mouth shut. I didn't want my kids to have to go through a loss again. We waited until after the gender ultrasound in April to tell everyone, thinking we were in the clear. Losing a baby is awful no matter when but losing one so close to the finish is like starting something you know you will never be able to finish. I feel like I was blindsided, I had no idea it was coming. Every time I see a pregnant women I feel the need to warn them that babies sometimes die so that if God-forbid something happened to their baby they would be prepared. But I don't say anything because no matter what I don't think you are ever prepared to lose a child, it's the worse feeling in the world.
When I had my miscarriage, my sister had just found out she was expecting twins and my nephew said to me, only as innocently as a child can..."Aunt Zarah, grandma told me you lost your baby...don't worry my mom's not going to lose our babies, she knows right were she put them!" That is the second worst feeling, knowing that I took that innocence away from my kids...they have to live in my world where babies die. I know that God is not only carriing me through this but also my family, He is the Light at the end of the darkness.