Thanksgiving

      I wanted to write this post on Thanksgiving but it was too crazy between cooking for our families, the guys at Nick's work and getting ready for blk Friday I started my list last week and wanted to post it....
      As expected Thanksgiving was hard without Giovanna, not a day goes by that I don't miss her like crazy but I tried not to focus on what I don't have and be thankful for what I do have; aside from the normal things like food, shelter & health here is some of what I am most thankful for:

• I'm thankful for my baby girl, Giovanna. Although she was only here for a short time she has taught me more about myself, my faith & what really matters then I ever thought possible. She has given me a new appreciation for life.
• I'm thankful for my wonderful husband who has been my rock, it's been a long road and I couldnt have made it without him, I love him more & more everyday.
• I'm thankful for Bailee, Jaden, Bubba & Joey, that I get to be their mom & watch them grow and have them here to drive me nuts.
• I'm thankful for the doctors & nurses at Indiana & Childrens hospitals, without them & God I really believe that Joey wouldnt be here today, a true miracle!
• I'm thankful for my family, they love & support me in everything, they grieve Giovanna with us. They say you can pick your friends not your relatives...if I could I would still pick them, their craziness and all, my life wouldnt be half as interesting without them! Love you guys!
• I'm thankful for my nieces, Kyra & Amya, that they are here & healthy after such a rough start, they're reminders of God's miracles.
• I'm thankful for my friends who have been here for our family, I am overwhelmed by the love & support they have given us, not only when we the loss of Giovanna but also when Joey had his accident.
• I'm thankful that I know God and have Him to carry me through.
• I'm thankful for every day that I wake up to all the blessings that I have.

      When you lose someone special it's hard not to let the anger & bad feelings consume you. I choose to count my blessings and be thankful for the time I had with Giovanna, even though it was short I still got to have her in my life and she will be in my heart forever. I love and miss her daily but I'm not angry, what would that solve, it wont bring my baby back, it will just make me a miserable person and the world has enough of that!
      This song has been stuck in my head all evening "Life's a dance you learn as you go, Sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow, Don't worry about what you don't know, Life's a dance you learn as you go" I'm learning this dance as I go, that's all I can do.

I find myself coming across so many pregnant woman now (I'm not sure, maybe its in the water) and the overwhelming need to "warn" them that babies die. Not that their baby is going to die but that it can happen. It's terrible, I don't want to be that "crazy" lady who rains on their parade but I feel like I was caught so off guard by Giovanna's death.  I thought I was having a baby not a angel. During my pregnancy my biggest concern was that she was going to be a she b/c I bought all these girl clothes, not whether or not she would live. I had 4 babies, one of which had the cord around her neck and one who had a true-knot and they were fine.....why wouldn't she be. There are so many things I wish I would have done...if only I knew she wasn't coming home. I wish I would have been prepared...but can you ever be prepared to bury your baby? I recently read a book by a woman who lost her daughter and while it was a very good read, I'm sure that's where these feelings are coming from; they knew that their baby girl was going to die but they still choose to carry to term. I'm not sure I could have done that, I'd like to think I would have but I don't know. Until your in a situation you never know what you'd do. The faith and strength of the family amaze me, how they cherished every moment they had with their baby before she was ever born. That's what I regret the most, being so miserable during my pregnancy, not realizing how limited my time was with Giovanna, our time as a family...I wish I would have taken the kids to the drs appointments so they could have heard her heartbeat and let them feel her move more. Trying to avoid the heart-ache if something were to go wrong, we didn't even let them in on the pregnancy until it was half way over. I just wish I would have enjoyed it more, alone, with Nick and with the kids. I know I can't change the past, I can look forward to the future trusting in His plan for us.
Psalm 46:2 God is our refuge and our strength, an ever-present help in distress.

Poems...

Here are a couple of poems I found online that I wanted to share.... 

 DON"T CRY

unknown author

Daddy please don't look so sad
Mommy please don't cry
Cause I am in the arms of Jesus
and He sings me lullabies.

Please try not to question God
Don't think He is unkind
Don't think he sent me to you
And then he changed his mind

You see, I am a special Child
And I am needed up above
I'm the special gift you gave him
The product of your love

I'll always be there with you
And watch the sky at night
Find the brightest star that's gleaming
That's my eyes shining bright

You'll se me in the morning frost
That mists your windowpane
That's me, in the summer showers
I'll be dancing in the rain

When you feel a gentle breeze
From a gentle wind that blows
That's me! I'll be there
Planting a kiss upon your nose

When you see a child playing
And your heart feels a little tug
That's me! I'll be there
Giving your heart a hug

So, Daddy please don't look so sad
Mommy don't you cry
I'm in the arms of Jesus
And He sings me lullabies

My Mom is a Survivor

Kaye Des'Ormeaux

My Mom is a survivor,
or so I've heard it said.
But I can hear her crying at night
when all others are in bed.
I watch her lie awake at night
and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her
to help her understand.
But like the sands on the beach
that never wash away...
I watch over my surviving mom,
who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others...
a smile of disguise!
But through Heaven's door I see
tears flowing from her eyes.
My mom tries to cope with death
to keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows
it is her way to survive.
As I watch over my surviving mom
through Heaven's open door...
I try to tell her that angels
protect me forevermore.
I know that doesn't help her...
or ease the burden she bears.
So if you get a chance, go visit her...
and show her that you care.
For no matter what she says...
no matter what she feels.
My surviving mom has a broken heart
that time won't ever heal.

THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM
By Terry Kettering
There’s an elephant in the room.
It is large and squatting,
so it is hard to get around it.
Yet we squeeze by with,
“How are you?” and, “I’m fine,”
and a thousand other forms of trivial chatter.
We talk about the weather;
we talk about work;
we talk about everything else—
except the elephant in the room.
There’s an elephant in the room.
We all know it is there.
We are thinking about the elephant
as we talk together.
It is constantly on our minds.
For, you see, it is a very big elephant.
It has hurt us all, but we do not talk about
the elephant in the room.
Oh, please, say her name.
Oh, please, say “Barbara” again.
Oh, please, let’s talk about
the elephant in the room.
For if we talk about her death,
perhaps we can talk about her life.
Can I say, “Barbara” to you
and not have you look away?
For if I cannot,
then you are leaving me alone
in a room—with an elephant.

     Friday, Nov 13, 2009 is another date that will be etched in my heart forever. Nick and I went for an ultrasound to get an exact due date, the estimated due date was June 20, the same date I had for Bailee and Joey although neither of them choose to arrive that day. That's when we found out that there was no baby just an empty sac. As much as I hoped that the dates were just wrong I knew that we lost our baby. The hardest part of that was telling the kids because they were so excited to have a baby brother or sister. When I found out I was pregnant with Giovanna just 6 weeks later we were so excited. We decided not to make the same mistake twice and kept VERY quiet about this pregnancy and you all know how hard it is for me to keep my mouth shut. I didn't want my kids to have to go through a loss again. We waited until after the gender ultrasound in April to tell everyone, thinking we were in the clear. Losing a baby is awful no matter when but losing one so close to the finish is like starting something you know you will never be able to finish. I feel like I was blindsided, I had no idea it was coming. Every time I see a pregnant women I feel the need to warn them that babies sometimes die so that if God-forbid something happened to their baby they would be prepared. But I don't say anything because no matter what I don't think you are ever prepared to lose a child, it's the worse feeling in the world.
     When I had my miscarriage, my sister had just found out she was expecting twins and my nephew said to me, only as innocently as a child can..."Aunt Zarah, grandma told me you lost your baby...don't worry my mom's not going to lose our babies, she knows right were she put them!" That is the second worst feeling, knowing that I took that innocence away from my kids...they have to live in my world where babies die. I know that God is not only carriing me through this but also my family, He is the Light at the end of the darkness.

tomorrow

     Tomorrow marks a special day, Giovanna would be 2 months old. I find myself wondering so many things about her...what she would look like, how big she would be, how the kids would have adjusted to her. It's been so long since I had a 2 month old (6 years and 3 months), I can't even remember what they can do, do they smile and laugh? These last 2 months have passed by so quickly. I keep thinking about how when I was 7 months pregnant her due date seemed so far away....It funny when your waiting for something good to happen, 2 months is a eternity and when your missing someone you love so much, time flies.  I miss my baby girl like crazy and I can't believe it's been 2 months since I held her in my arms and kissed her.
     I remember this day 2 months ago like it was yesterday, I had a drs appointment where I had a NST done, on the way to my appointment I stopped at a car wash because I wanted a clean car to bring my baby home in, and you all know how messy my car is. I went to Sam's club to get a few things because I knew whether she wanted to or not she was coming this week. The 3 younger kids were so excited, Jesse was picking them up at school and they were going to meet Nick to take down a corn crib that he bought. Bailee was home with the neighbor girls, making icees when I got home. I didn't do much that evening, Bailee & I hung around the house playing on the computer and watching tv, it was late when Nick got home with the kids and I was mad because they were tired, dirty, hungry and had homework. It's funny I can't remember what we did 2 weeks ago but I can remember 2months ago like yesterday. I think because 2 months agoI lived in a world where babies didn't die.
     I received a envelope today from the Bereavement Committee at West Penn, a committee I never knew existed until I lost my baby girl. In that envelope was a picture of Giovanna that I never knew was taken, a welcomed surprise. I will never have enough pictures of my baby girl. I wish we had more, more time, more pictures, more of  our lives to share with our baby girl.
     I got a new Catholic bible last week at RCIA, I guess when you are becoming Catholic they want you to have a Catholic bible. This evening I was looking through it and a scripture caught my eye...Proverbs 16;9 In his mind a man plans his course, but the Lord directs his steps. How true that is, we all plan our lives but it is He who directs them and there are times that the course that He takes us on is harder then we ever imagined and not the one we planned. I always thought, not me but it is me that he has chosen to be Giovanna's mother, to love her like only a mother does and to grieve her like only a mother can.  Although I was only able to hold her for a short time on earth I know I will hold her for eternity in His presence. It is He who carries me though my darkest times I know without a doubt that without my belief I wouldn't be able to make it.
     People always ask me how I'm doing...my answer is always the same ok. They don't want to know how bad it hurts, how I can't go 20 minutes without thinking about my baby girl and what is should have been. I feel for the sake of the ones that I love, I have no other choice but to do like that saying, fake it until you make it. Some days it feels like I'm beginning to make it, I think I'm slowly coming to terms with what happened and accepting it. Don't get me wrong just because I accept it doesn't mean that I don't hate it, or don't wish it never happened. I just feel that this is my journey and however good or bad it maybe it's mine and with every step of it my faith gets a little stronger. I have accepted that I am forever a different person, I will never be the same person I was before Giovanna because now I live in a world were babies die.

life's not fair....

     If you have more then one child you probably hear...."It's not fair he/she got this or that and I didn't" more times then you can imagine. If my kids have said that once they've said it a million times, probably daily. And although at that moment, to that child it really might not be fair, it all equals out in the end. I hear it so often that my automatic response is..."Life's not fair, what do you want me to do about it."
     There's nothing I can do to make life fair, nothing I can do to bring back my baby girl. I must except that although this is not the journey I choose for myself it's the one that was chosen for me and my entire family. I have no idea how to walk it, I just try to take it day by day or better yet moment by moment. Some moments or days are better then others but at the end of the day its still the same....I am a mother who lost her baby, Nick is still a dad who lost his daughter and my kids are still children who lost their baby sister and along with her, part of their innocence. It makes me sad and a little guilty that although I know it's not my fault, my children have to endure this pain and loss of innocence because of us. As a child, and even as a adult I never thought that babies die (although I know they do) until mine did. My children have the harsh reality of life really not being fair, they learned at a early age that babies do die and along with them so do hopes and dreams. Through all of this I think I've realized that every day truly is a gift....however fair or unfair that day maybe, it's another day that we have here on earth with the ones we love.

'What not to say to someone when they lose a baby.'

     I was reading a article titled 'What not to say to someone when they lose a baby.' Number one thing was 'It was God's will,' followed by 'It was meant to be'. Well those are two things that I say to myself daily. I guess that goes to show that even though I am dealing with the loss of my precious baby girl I still don't know what to say to another grieving mother.
     I truly do believe that it was God's choice to give my baby girl a first class ticket to heaven, just like it was his choice to leave Joey here on earth with us. If I've said it once I've said it a million times, it truly is a miracle that Joey is still here with us. Everything had to fall into place in order for him to live, some of you reading my blog might not be familiar with his story so I will give the short version. If you've heard this story a million times, that's what Joey says when I tell it, then skip this part!
     Over the 4th of July weekend (this past summer) my youngest son Joey (who had just turned 6) was riding the quad with his older sister. From what they have told me they hit a rock and the handle bars jolted and hit him in the abdomen causing no tears or for them to even stop their ride. About 45 mins later he came into the house and laid down on the couch, my middle daughter came outside and told me there was something wrong with him. I asked him what was wrong he then told me what happened (1st I heard about the quad) I looked at his stomach and saw a small brush burn, I figured broken ribs and told him we were going to the ER. Although I told him to stay home, Nick came with us to the hospital. When we arrived the Dr on duty immediately realized the severity of his injury and ordered a CT scan in which it was discovered he had a fairly large liver laceration. In less then a hour after we arrived at the ER he was being taken by helicopter (which he's still mad he didn't get to look out the window) to Children's Hospital of Pittsburgh. Being the mom that I am I was obviously going with him until I was told no, sorry your pregnant! Thankfully, Nick came with us to the hospital so he could go with him. When I arrived at Children's he was in surgery where he remained for about 3 hours. When we finally got to see him he was in the PICU on a ventilator, he remained in the PICU for 5 days. EVERYONE of the trauma Dr's that worked on him told us if it hadn't been for the liver specialist that was on call that day our son would have died. We later learned the severity of his injury, a grade5 liver laceration, the last time that a surgery was performed on a child due to a liver injury at Children's Hospital 7 years ago. He was released from the hospital after a week only to have to return a few days later for a bile leak due to the liver damage, he spent 9 more days there before he was able to come home. He saw the liver dr....Dr Bond a few weeks ago and according to Dr Bond he is recovering well and he shouldn't have to see him again unless complications arise.
    I truly believe that it was God's will that Joey is still with us...every piece of the puzzle had to fall into exact place in order for him to still be here. If Jaden hadn't came into the house with him he probably would have fell asleep, which would not have been a surprise to me, he was tired after playing outside all day, and never woken up due to the internal bleeding, if I would have dismissed his pains, like I sometimes do, if I'd have called 911 instead of taking him ourselves would the paramedics realized the severity, if the Dr at Indiana Hospital wouldn't have realized the severity of his injury, if I would have made him get that shower I was considering before we left (he was dirty) if Nick hadn't been there to ride along with him,  and the biggest if...if Dr Bond hadn't been on call.
     I can't believe in God's miracles if I don't believe that for whatever reason He choose to bring Giovanna home to His house instead of mine. I'm sure I'll never know why and it will never make sense why any baby has to die. But if it wasn't 'God's will' and 'meant to be' then I'm sure my son wouldn't be here today either. I take great comfort in knowing that my baby girl is at Home with God in his arms and although I miss her more then anything I know that I will see her again someday....your always in my heart and never far from my thoughts baby girl!

'Rainbow Baby'

A term I've come across quite often on the web is 'Rainbow Baby' If you've never experienced a loss you might not know what a 'Rainbow Baby' is....well
"Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.
Giovanna was our 'Rainbow Baby' and like a true rainbow her time here on earth was short but the impression she left in our hearts will never fade!

Today I'm mad....
     I shouldn't have had to say good bye so soon after meeting my baby girl, I should have came home with a baby not a empty car seat, I should have planned a baptism not a funeral, I should be listening to her cry, not crying myself, I should be waking up at night to take care of her not because I cant sleep from missing her, I should be watching her grow not wondering how big she would be today, I should be taking pictures of her not wishing I had more.
     Why...Why didn't I have a chance to be her mom?!? Why at times does life seem so unfair?!? Why is my baby girl not in my arms?!?
     Sometimes life just doesn't seem fair...babies shouldn't die. Mothers, fathers, brothers and sister shouldn't have to go through this pain!
I try to remain positive and count me blessings but some days it just makes me so mad!!!

Last night we attended mass for all souls day, they read the names of all who have died in the church this year, there were 51 names read. It's hard to believe that one of those names was our baby girl. It gives me comfort to know that I will see her again one day but it saddens me that she's not physically here with us. Halloween was this past week-end and while the kids had a ball trick-or-treating I just felt like something was missing. She should have been with us dressed in one of the little halloween buntings. It's just not fair...all the things she'll never do with us. I never got to feed her or hear her cry, she'll never spend a holiday with us or go on vacation...it's just not fair.  I struggle daily trying to remain positive and grateful for all the blessing I do have in my life but it's so hard when my heart aches for my baby girl. As we face the upcoming holidays I'm filled with dread, how will we get through all our baby girls first without her being part of them?!?