I'm not really sure why but I've been in an awful mood these last few days...I swear everyone I come in contact with; aside from Nick and the kids, is annoying to me. I'm trying my best to play nice but I know its not going to well. If you know me then you probably know that I am usually nice but I can honestly say I haven't been these last few days. I'm not sure what's causing it (and its not PMS) I don't know if its the fact that it seems I'm always doing something for someone else and still have to listen to people complain when they wont just do it themselves or have them tell me their too busy, cause I'm not, I do nothing all day. I think if Giovanna was here then I would have a reason to not have to do it all, but I don't I lost my reason 4 and 1/2 months ago. I know and Nick reminds me daily that I don't have to do all that I do; I could just say forget it but then what am I left to do....sit home and miss my baby, it's a double edged sword. I think back to this time last year I was enjoying my time, volunteering for the kids activities, going to lunch with friends, savoring those last few months that I was going to have 'alone' while all the kids were in school before we did it all over again with a new baby....but that didn't happen, nothing changed except our baby was born and died and here I sit 'alone' the only difference is I'm not enjoying it. It shouldn't be this way, I shouldn't be 'alone' I should be taking care of my baby girl. I should be to tired from taking care of a baby to volunteer for everything. I called the social security office today to find out that along with not applying for her birth certificate the hospital also didn't submit her social security card application, although I'm sure it doesn't matter, she'll never need a social security number anyway, but I still would have liked to have that for her. There's a lot of things I would have liked to have for her that she never will....thats our reality. I have no other choice but to live with it.

I have wanted to post this video I made for the funeral on my blog for awhile but for some reason it wont upload. So I put it on youtube but you can only view it if you click this link:  Giovanna Jean

Yesterday I went back to the hospital to pick up our records....going back there sucks (for lack of a better term). As I drive there I am reminded of the drive Nick and I made 4 short months ago, how excited we were, we laughed on the way there taking bets on what time she would be born, Nick joking that she was probably going to be a he. We were looking so forward to meeting our baby girl...excited to introduce her to her big sisters & brothers...to bring her home.  If I've replayed the memories of that day once I've replayed them a million times....it's all I have the memories from that day. As painful as they are if I could, I would go back and relive that day in a heartbeat....to hold my sweet baby girl one more time. I'm glad I got the records, they helped piece together some of the things from that day that I wasn't to sure about. I remember how excited I was durning my short labor, filled with anticipation of the arrival of our baby. If I could go back to that day, if there were do-overs in life. I have to remember that everything happens for a reason and although I don't understand that reason and I'm sure I never will all I can do is except it and more on. I thank God for the short time that we had with Giovanna and while I wish we had more...just one more day; but I know it wouldn't be enough, no amount of time will ever be enough until eternity....I miss you baby girl!

Today Giovanna would have been four months old, it was a hard day. I went back to the hospital where she was born to get a copy of  my medical records, there are just some things I need to understand but that's a whole other post. It was hard, the last time I was there I was filled with such excitement, we were about to meet our baby girl, we had been waiting for this day for so long. I remember the feelings of excitement and I'm trying not to let the joy of her birth be overshadowed by her death. I just keep remembering those few minutes that we thought that everything was going to be ok...but it wasn't. It was hard going back there but I did it. There is one memory that is sticking in my mind, when we got to the hospital Nick said to me we forgot the car seat and I said don't worry, we'll get it when we need it, then he asked me if I wanted to bring the diaper bag in and I said no, we'll get it later....was that because some part of me know that when later came we wouldn't need any of those thing. I think about how ready I was for her, I think I had my bag and hers packed for like 4 weeks. I remember not knowing what to bring her to wear home because I wasn't sure how big she would be, I thought she was going to be little (she was my smallest) but she wasn't really that little. Although, she got to wear the outfit I picked out 'home' it wasn't to our home. I wish I could go back to that day and have a do-over, to bad we don't get those in life.
When I got home the copy of her birth certificate was waiting for me in the mail box. If you've read my other post you know what a journey it was to get this. I was so excited when I opened it, I wasn't prepared for the big black word DECEASED to be stamped on it. I'm not sure why I didn't think that it would say that after all I have a copy of the death certificate, I know shes dead, I cant for get that, I just wasn't expecting it to be there... I think that the shock of losing my baby girl has worn off and the reality of life without her has set in, it makes me so sad to think of all the things that I will never get to share with her and the few memories that we have. I know I need to be grateful for the memories I have and the time I got to have with her, there are so many other BLMs that didn't even get what I had, the pain they feel is unimaginable to me. I know so many people have kept our family in their thoughts and prayers these last couple of months and that means the word to me knowing that you remember our precious baby girl. I pray for all that have lost a love one that God my grant us peace until we meet again.....

I knew that I had to call to receive a copy of Giovanna's birth certificate but I've been putting it off, it's never the right time when I think about calling, I always have a million and one other things that need done. Last week I finally made the time to make the call..imagine my surprise when I found out the the PA Dept of Vital Records had NO record of my daughters birth! After calling back and forth between the hospital and vital records for over two hours, I finally flipped. I think it might have had something to do with the frustration that I have a copy of her death certificate but not her birth....or maybe it was that the hospital gave me a state file # of another baby....but most likely it was the fact that the supervisor (I wasn't getting anywhere with the lady that answered the phone) from the hospital was nothing  but  rude and nasty telling me it wasn't her fault and I needed to call vital records and get it straightened out, a little compassion after all my baby died, I guess was too  much to ask for (which I think was what I ended up shouting at her)....Whatever it was I was frustrated beyond belief. How can it be so hard to receive a copy of a birth certificate. I finally told the supervisor from the hospital to call the supervisor from vital records and then let me know what they figure out. When I didn't receive a return call I let Nick call, he was told that there was a mistake (first time ever for this hospital and it happened to be our baby) and that she had to resubmit the info and would let us know as soon as it went through. Imagine my surprise when we heard nothing back, big shocker! I called vital records today they said that they received all of the info and would be sending out her birth certificate by the end of the week. As if losing my child isn't enough, I had to go through the 5th degree to get a copy of her birth certificate.....crossing my fingers hoping it comes!

We went away this week-end with the kids to the Farm Show, it's something that we try to do every year with them. While we all had a good time I can honestly say the entire week-end I felt like something was missing. I know its not a something but a someone, my baby girl...she should have been with us, it should have been her first farm show, her first trip to a hotel. But it's not, I will never get those first times with her; her first smile, first laugh, her first reaction to the animals. The only first I got with her was the first and last time I got to meet her. I look at my kids and feel sadness because I will never get the moments I have with them with Giovanna; when she's in the car annoying her brothers or whining when are we going to be there. It just doesn't seem fair she's not here with us. It seems like babies are all around me....except mine. I miss her more then words can ever say, I wish for one more moment with her. I had a dream the other night that I was holding her and looking for something for her to wear, it seemed so real, I was frustrated because I couldn't find anything...then I remembered, I didn't have any clothes for her I gave them all away because she died. Sometimes it feels like a bad dream, I wish I could wake up and have her here with us...but its not, I cant, she's gone and it hurts so bad.

Well, it's a new year....what can I say about that...Time to change the calendar and try to remember the right year when writing it, other then that today's the same as yesterday and every other day. Except on Jan 1st last year we found out that we were expecting our precious baby girl, Giovanna, a secret we kept for many weeks/months. When I say weeks/months I mean we really didn't tell anyone until about April. Anyone that knows Nick and I knows that not something easy to do....especially when the news was so exciting. The fear of losing our baby early in the pregnancy was great because the pain of my miscarriage was so fresh, we didn't want to put our kids and family through that kind of loss again. Little did we know how much greater the loss would be. That we would only have hours to spend with our baby girl, that we would be coming home from the hospital without her. There are still many days where it just doesn't seem real...we had a baby and she died, I wonder if that feeling will ever go away. Someone asked me the other day if we were going to try again...Joey answered them YES! Not sure where that came from but obviously the wise 6 year old thinks we are. I have learned in the last year their are no guarantee's, just because your pregnant doesn't mean you get a baby and just because you have a baby doesn't mean it will live....what a harsh reality. I know I've blogged quite a few times about the loss of innocence that goes with losing a child but that's because it really does get lost, in a way that's hard to imagine. If your reading my blog because you have had a loss you know exactly what I mean and if your a friend reading this I hope you never have to truly understand what I mean. So as the new year begins I look forward, not with any great expectations but just with hope...I'm hoping for a uneventful year! I pray that all of my family and friends have a happy and healthy year!