As we approach the New Year I'm filled with mixed emotions. This last year has not been one of the best for our family. There have been a few moments when I don't think I can take anymore, then God gives me something else. I have to remind myself daily, it could be worse. Don't get me wrong, I know the good times far outweighed the bad but its hard to remember that sometimes. There has been more joy and heartache this year then I ever thought possible. When I think back to last New Years it doesn't seem possible that all of these things happened in just one year. I can remember thinking last December, I can't wait for this year to be over, it was a rough year...if only I knew how much harder 2010 was going to be. While I'm looking forward to 2011 and the promises it might bring, I am also sad to see 2010 end...after all it was the year we welcomed our beautiful baby girl, Giovanna Jean into this world. Although she left us way to soon I will always cherish the time we had with her. I feel that 2010 has made me a stronger person, stronger then I could ever imagine...I didn't know I had it in me to get through the things that I did. I'm not saying I'm getting through them the best way but its whats working for me. I remember when Joey had his accident and I had to drive myself to Pittsburgh because I couldn't go with him, I think that might have been the longest, loneliest drive of my life, every time I called Nick to see how it was doing I got...I don't know just hurry up and get here! Seeing my baby boy in the PICU after surgery on a ventilator was one of the scariest things ever. Little did I know just two short months later my baby girl would be in the NICU fighting for her life on a ventilator. I've seen the inside of the hospital more then I ever wanted this year. I remember when my nieces were born telling Nick that would be so hard to leave them in the NICU, I didn't know how my sister was doing it...I wish I could have left my baby girl in the NICU and she would have gotten better.
I have learned many things this year about life, myself, my family and my friends...The one thing I will never forget, is that there are no guarantee's in life, live it to the fullest you never know when it might end but it really doesn't end, just your life here on earth ends, you have all of eternity to be with Jesus and the ones you love!

Some days I feel like everything is going to be ok...others hurt so bad. I guess that's what happens when you lose someone special. Tonight I'm praying for everyone who lost someone special that they love....may you find comfort.

"If you know someone who has lost a child, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died--you're not reminding them. They didn't forget they died. What you're reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and that is a great gift." ~Elizabeth Edwards~

Someone posted this quote on BBC and it touched me so much that I had to blog about it. It's one of the truest things I have heard since losing Giovanna. I'm unsure how anyone could forget that I had a baby, if you were around me at all you know that I was pregnant for 9 months, it wasn't like you could miss it or me whining about it. Yet so many people choose to act like nothing happened. I'm not stupid, I know its awkward to talk about and I'll be the first person to admit that I wouldn't know what to say to someone who lost their baby. But choosing to act like nothing happened doesn't make it go away, she wasn't the red headed stepchild, she was our baby girl love and wanted by us! When you say her name or ask me details, your not reminding me my baby died, that is something that I will never forget as long as I live. Yeah sometimes it makes me sad but that's ok, I also get great joy out of talking about her. She will always be a part of me, she's my daughter and its ok to be sad sometimes but I don't want her short life to be all about sadness. Sometimes I have no other choice but to laugh when I say something about when I was pregnant with Giovanna and people give me a look of terror....HELLO, if she had lived it would ok to talk about, right? Why is baby loss such a taboo subject, its painful, it sucks, its one of the worst things that a parent could have to go through but it happens more then any of us wish. I've been thinking a lot about next October 15, National Pregnancy and Infant Loss day, I figure if I start now by then I will have some sort of ceremony or walk planned. I want to honor all babies lost in pregnancy or as a infant. I want to talk about this taboo subject for just one day, not to scare people or to make them sad, just to remember out loud bc us moms never forget and hearing your babies name spoken feels so good. So if your a fellow baby loss survivor please post your info on my guest page or email your angels name, I want to include them.

I have been so busy the last few weeks preparing for Christmas, that I haven't had a chance to sit down and blog. As Christmas day approached I was dreading it, unsure as to how I would make it through, knowing it was suppose to be my precious baby girl's 1st Christmas. But I did it, I survived. I'm not going to lie, at times it was hard. I dont think it can ever be easy when you feel like part of you is missing.On Christmas Eve we meant 2 baby girls one born before Giovanna and one born shortly after. They are precious little things and a reminder of what we lost. It's hard not to constantly wonder what she would look like, how big she would be and how different our lives would be with her here. I've been thinking alot about Jesus' birth and that fact that God sent His son here to earth to live amoung us, to die for our sins...Can you think of a greater gift? Even though our precious baby isnt physically here with us she is in our hearts and minds always. The kids are starting to be able to talk about her without crying and that gives me great joy. Yes, its sad what happened to her but I dont want her life to be all about sadness, I want everyone to see the joy. The fact that we got to have her in our lives even though it was only a short time. She will always be here in our hearts and although we dont have her here with us, we will be together for all of eternity. My heart aches for my baby girl but I remind myself I have eternity to spend with her. 

Today our sweet baby girl would be 3 months old...I find it hard to believe that 3 months has came and gone. I know it sounds cliché but time really has flown by, it seems like last week she was born not 3 months ago. I miss her and what would have been so much every day. I wonder what she would be like, who would she look like, would she be laughing out loud, rolling over....would she be sleeping through the night?
It breaks my heart that she isn't here with us getting ready to celebrate her first Christmas. I know that she is safe in Jesus' arms but that knowledge doesn't take away the pain of not having her here with us. The pain of missing her doesn't go away, maybe learing how to live with it gets easier. I can honestly say that I thought I was learning how to live with it but the closer we get to Christmas the less true that seems. Maybe its how you feel 3 months after the loss of someone so special, maybe its the holidays, I really don't know all that I do know is I miss her so much. I would give anything to have her here celebrating her 'First' Christmas with us, enjoying all the lights, wearing a little Baby's 1st Christmas outfit...if only we could change the past.
I'll leave you with a  quote I recently read somewhere along the lines of  “A wife who loses a husband is called a widow.  A husband who loses a wife is called a widower.  A child who loses his parents is called an orphan.  But . . . there is no word for a parent who loses a child, that’s how awful the loss is!”

Tonight we attended a  Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting Ceremony at West Penn Hospital. Although, it hurts its also comforting to see we're not alone in our loss and to have Giovanna's memory honored. We took the kids with us, this is the first time that they attended something like this, and it was hard. Nick and I went to a beautiful ceremony back in Oct for Pregnancy and Infant Loss (thank you Sherri) but we chose not to take the kids. The speaker this evening said something along the lines of a loss of a child is a loss of innocence. That's totally describes how I feel...not only did we lose our precious baby girl but our children lost part of their innocence. Although, I know its not my fault it still hurts so bad. As a mother you don't want your children to hurt and when you cant fix whats hurting them its the worst feeling. Seeing them crying over their baby sister breaks my heart (I can deal with them crying bc they're arguing with each other) There is nothing I can do to 'fix' it, to bring our baby girl back, to take their pain away...God knows if I could, I would.  We were given a candle with a beautiful saying...We pray this night to understand, Why something so lovely cannot stay, God's miracle in the night, A snowflake sent to melt our hearts away.

Giovanna's Tree

While I would give anything to have my baby girl here with us this Christmas, she gets to spend it with Jesus. I think that this first Christmas may possibly be one of the hardest. It was suppose to be Giovanna's 1st Christmas, we were going to get her all dressed up and take tons of pictures, the kids were so excited to have a baby sister. All we have now is the memory of a few short hours we spent with her and the thoughts of what could have been. She will always be a important part of our lives and she will live forever in our hearts...She is our 5th child, my 3rd daughter and the kids baby sister.  Although I know we all think about her daily I wanted a special way to honor her during the holidays. So we talked about it and the boys came up with the idea of a 'Angel' tree....what started out as a small pink tree turned into a 7 foot artificial tree. We decorated the tree with pink & silver bulbs & bows and when that wasn't enough we added pink butterflies. Bubba insisted we put the train he got for his birthday around Giovanna's Tree instead of our regular tree (I think he thought it was going to get lost in that mess of branches we call a tree, but that's a whole other story). Any special ornaments that are given to us over the holidays will also be placed on Giovanna's Tree.

Our 'Angel' Tree

A good friend gave us this special ornament. 

 Given to us shortly after Giovanna died....Christmas seemed so far away then.

I saw this and couldn't resist.

As the weather turns cold and Christmas approaches I find myself missing Giovanna more then words can describe. My baby girl should be here with us getting ready to celebrate her first Christmas. I should be out buying her first Christmas outfit and having pictures taken not searching for angel ornaments for her tree...it breaks my heart that she cant be here with us. I try so hard to stay positive and thankful for what we have but some days it hurts so bad for what we dont have. I know the kids miss her and that hurts...just praying we can make it through the holidays.....