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Bold Bright Wishes Christmas

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I wish I had more time to blog but it seems like my days fly by. Gabriella is at the amazing age where she is learning something new every day, I love this age. It makes me so sad that i didn't get to share these 'first' with Giovanna. I watch Gabriella with other kids and I cant help but think about how she would have loved having Giovanna for a big sister, she adores little kids. I can't imagine what it would be like with 2 babies here in my arms...I wish I knew. Tomorrow is pregnancy and infant loss day, it saddens me to know that I am not alone that there are other moms out there who know my pain, a pain no parent wants to feel...its not the way its 'suppose' to be. Twenty-five months later I still miss my baby girl, I'm not sure if that feeling that something is missing will ever go away. I love you baby girl and will hold you in my arms again!

The last 2 years on this day, Sept 13 I was pregnant...I remember Sept 13,2010 like it was yesterday; I was 6 days overdue I had my drs appointment, non stress test and scheduled my induction for Sept 16 then I made a stop at Sam's club on the way home to pick up some last minute things. I remember coming home and bailee and the neighbor girl where here, nick had the other kids taking down a corn crib (I was so mad they didn't get home til 10pm and hadn't eaten dinner). Little did I know I would be meeting my little angel in a few shot hours and how short her precious life would be. On this day last year I was also pregnant with our rainbow. I remember being such a bag of emotions,grieving my angel so nervous for my rainbow. That's the thing about losing a baby you quickly come to realize that being pregnant doesn't gaurentee a baby that you can take home (even after u pass the 'magic' date). Last year we celebrated Giovanna's birthday quietly at home with the kids, we released balloons and had ice cream cake. This year I had a idea to create a facebook event and ask my friends to do a random act of kindness in Giovanna's honor. I don't want people's sympathy I just want them to remember life's short, take a second and do something kind for someone else. That's a lesson I learned from my angel that I try to keep with me always. Who knew that in a few hours I could learn so much from such a little baby. So as I sit here on the eve of my sweet angels 2nd birthday in Jesus' arms I still find it hard to believe 2 years has passed...I often feel like something is missing and then I remember its not somthing but someone my precious Giovanna Jean. I cant help but wonder what my life would be like if she was in my arms instead of my heart?

This is a late post the last few weeks have been super busy, with the fair (no cell or internet) and the girls returning to school (boys are next they go back Monday). So much has happened these last few weeks. Heaven gained another angel with Nick's Nana passing away 2 weeks ago; she really was a special woman I'm glad that I had the chance to get to know her. She taught me many things and I have fond memories of times I spent with her. I'm so thankful that my children had the chance to know her too. We were trying to prepare them for her passing I told them that Nana was sick and probably wasn't going to live much longer and that it was ok to be sad because we were going to miss her but we should also be happy for her...she lived a good life and was going to get to be with Papa. Joey, always thinking says "Mom, Nana is going to get to meet Giovanna!" I hope he's right...I hope Nana is holding my sweet baby in her arms. I recently had a conversation with someone about how in my case when I lost my baby girl I also lost my fear of death...I have someone special there waiting for me...I'm not saying I want to die any time soon but when I do I'll hold my baby again! The selfish part of me is sad when someone I love passes away because I won't get to see them anymore but then I find myself thinking I should be happy for them...they get to meet our Father and live all eternity with Him! I can't believe in a few weeks my baby girl will be celebrating her 2nd birthday in heaven..her second year of being held in His arms. When you say 2 years it seems like such a long time but when you live it, it flies by. I remember the days after Giovanna was born...I couldn't imagine life in 2 weeks or months let alone 2 years. I thank God for my other children because I know without them and my wonderful husband I wouldn't have made it through. As much as I love and miss my angel I find comfort in knowing that she is at home with our Father.

I have so much to say but that will have to wait til another day, blogging from a phone isn't easy. In 2 short months my precious angel will be celebrating her 2nd birthday in heaven...I can't believe that 22 months have passed...where is time going?!? It seems like the older I get the quicker time goes...sometimes I'd like to slow it down a little. Today we embarked on our first family vacation with Gabriella, I forgot the joys of traveling with a baby...15 mins into the trip I had to explain to Joey that his sister isn't a table to hold his drink and dvd player...all in all it was a good trip, not too many tears shed. All day I had this nagging feeling that I should have made this trip last year with Giovanna, she should have got to be the table. Every milestone Gabriella reaches is bitter sweet...all these memories I didn't get to make with Giovanna. And I know I've said it a million times but it really does give me a new appreciation for live...I feel like I have so much more love and pactience. I miss you so much baby girl and if I could I would turn back time to have just one more day with you...I love you, Giovanna Jean!

21 months....

I find it so hard to believe that 21 months have passed. I've been thinking about Giovanna so much lately...with every new thing Gabriella learns I am reminded of what Giovanna didn't. Gabriella loves kids, especially little ones I'm sure she would have adored her big sister. It's been a rough week, it started Sunday with us missing the butterfly release...I try to never miss a oppertunity to hear Giovanna's name read aloud but Jaden had a softball tournament and I thought we would be there longer then we were and by the the time we got home I was so glad to be home and relax that I forgot about going...the story of my life. Then I open the mail yesterday to a bill addressed to baby girl DiFilippo for $6000...I thought maybe it was a mix up from Gabriella's birth (the hospitals r always billing the wrong insurance) until I saw the date 9-14-10! I haven't even dealt with that yet...I feel like calling them and telling them you want me to pay u $6000 for killing my baby two years later...do u think I'm nuts!!! So of course when I opened the bill I called Nick right away to tell him...the irony is I forgot where he was working this week (he moves around so much) he was at the hospital Giovanna was born at. I can't image how hard it is for him to go there and work...he's much stronger then I am and doesn't reallysay anything but I know it hurts. I wonder if it will ever stop hurting...will the "what if's" "I wishes" "if I could ho.backs" ever go away....I love my baby girl and miss her so much! I thank God for the moments I had with her and for blessing me with the wonderful children I get to raise. I love and miss u baby girl!

Twenty months ago I went in to labor expecting to bring home a precious baby girl in a day or two...instead I left the hospital that same night heart broken! Not a day goes by that I don't think about that precious baby girl and those few short hours we had with her. Although I've come to terms with losing her it doesn't take the pain away...it makes it easier to go on but it still hurts. I think one of the hardest things is all of the memories I never got to make with her. Twenty months....maybe now that we're in the twenty's I'm realizing how close two years is. When I hold you again in my arms precious baby I will tell you how much I love you!

19 months

Another month has passed in our crazy lives. So many nights I want to get on the computer and blog but I'm usually so tired from running all day. I know that's a crappy excuse I need to make it a priority but the day usual gets away from me before I know it.
Giovanna, however is never far from my thoughts. I think about her everyday and how my life would be with her here. Sometimes Gabriella just cracks up laughing when no one is anywhere near her, I like to think its her big sister saying hi to her. Nick made the comment the other day that she looks like Giovanna and he was right she does. That was one of my fears whtn I was pregnant that she would be born and look exactly like Giovanna, thankfully she didn't. As she grows though and her face feels out I can definatly see Giovanna in her. I constantly hear how much she looks like Jaden and Joey and she does too she follows the trend of our kids...2 girls the first blond the second brown, 2 boys the first blond the second brown and 2 more girls, Giovanna's hair was dark, she didn't have much of it but it was dark I wonder if it would have turned light like Bubba's did...
Today someone commented to how 'spoiled' Gabriella is, I just agreed with them...can't argue with the truth! I can't help it, I can't stand to let her cry, I'll admit most of my day consist of holding her, feeding her and playing with her. She has my undivided attention. The little things that annoy most mom (and I'll admit drove me crazy with my older 4) don't bother me in the least, I don't mind not being able to get anything done, feeling like the day was a complete success because I did laundry and made dinner, getting up 2-4 times and night (it reassures me she's still breathing as awful as that sounds and if by some chance she does sleep, I don't). I know that losing Giovanna has caused me to cherish Gabriella that much more and I'm thankful for that. It drives me crazy when I hear moms complaining about how demanding a baby is...they're suppose to be. I would give anything to have been able to wake up in the middle of the night and take care of my baby girl. I realize that all of these memories we are making I'll never have with Giovanna, when I think back I wish I would have know how limited my time was going to be, maybe I would have cherished my pregnancy more and not complained so much. I really don't know, all I know for sure is that 19 months later the pain is still here, I've learned to live with it better, my heart doesn't break when I see a baby but I know Gabriella has a lot to so with that. I have no choice but to think that things turned out the way they did for a reason...one I may never know the answer too but still a reason. Because of Giovanna's short life I am thankful for every moment I have with my kids that much more (even when they're driving me nuts, which is quite often then the older girls!)
As another month passes baby girl know that I think of you often, miss you more then you'll ever know and love you more then words can say!

18 months

I wonder if I will ever stop counting the days and months since Giovanna was born..if she lived she would have been 18 months old, a year and a half. I can't even imagine, I'm sure she would be walking and talking trying to keep up with her brothers and sister and probably starting to get into their stuff. I can't help but find myself thinking what my life would be like with two babies. I'm beginning to realize that 2 years will be here before I know it. The pain isn't going away, it's getting easier to live with but I still think about Giovanna every day...some days I wish I didn't have to carry this burden that I could just be a mom whose baby didn't die. I realize though for some reason one I may never know God choose me to be Giovanna's mom. I feel like I write the same things every month, I'm trying not to dwell in my pain I go on because I have to but I miss my little girl so much. I love you baby girl!

I normally don't have time to watch the news, I know that sounds awful but I'm usually busy with something, transferring kids to some sort of sporting event...the most news I get it what I hear on the radio in the car. Last night I had a rare few minutes before basketball to catch the evening news...the main story was about a 3 day old infant who was bitten on the head by the family dog and later died. As you may imagine, as soon as I heard that story my heart broke for that mother and family, such a horrible thing to have happen...I'm sure it was the last thing she expected when she walked out of that room for a second. I know that feeling too well; when the last thing you expect is for your child to die and it happens.
What amazes me the most is the blame that people are instantly putting on this mother.
 "She was young, 21 with 3 kids what do you expect" ARE you kidding me?!? I was young too 24 with 4 kids (don't I wish I was still that young)...did that mean I was a bad mother, that my child deserved to die? Just because your young doesn't automatically make you a bad mother. Come on, you can be a bad mother at 17 or 37!  I was a mother at 17 and although it wasn't planned that didn't make me a bad mother; if anything I think it made me a better mother, I had something to prove, I loved Bailee from the moment I learned I was pregnant, she changed me in so many ways and I'm proud of that!
"Why would any mother put their baby on the floor" SERIOUSLY...Gabriella is on the floor right now beside me in her bouncer seat(I guess she should technically be in bed this late, but that is part of my paranoia that comes from losing a baby)...where else should I put her, on the table or couch so maybe she falls off? Does that make me a bad mother? I doubt that in fact there is a warning on the seat not to out it on the table!
It's so easy for us to judge other people even though we never walked in their shoes. I'm sure there has been judging of me behind my back and I can honestly tell you...I really don't give a crap what anyone thinks! Since losing Giovanna that is something that I try really hard not to do, judge. I can say for sure I will never judge a grieving mother on how she grieves for her child. Although, I have never met this women and know nothing about her except what I heard on the news; I can almost guarantee you she never would have left that room if she thought her dog would hurt her baby. She will live with that guilt for the rest of her life. Even thought I know there was nothing I did to cause Giovanna to die, I still live with the feeling of maybe there was something I could have done to saved her...maybe we should have waited a little longer to take her off life support, maybe I should have fought harder (for what I don't know). All I know was at that time in that moment when those doctors told me my baby may not make it for our priest to baptize all I could think of was that we needed to have her in our arms I couldn't bare the thought of her laying on that table all alone in pain. I will constantly live in regret of that day..we didn't get enough picture, the pictures weren't good enough, I wish more of my family would have gotten a chance to met her, I should have spent more time holding her after she passed...but I can't go back, there are no do-overs in life, I have to accept what was mine and go on the best I can. Yeah on the surface things may seem back to normal in our house, I laugh and smile, I don't cry everyday, I have a new baby and I go on with my live but they will never be 'normal' for me again I will constantly miss my baby, constantly wonder what live would be like with her here. I truly believe in my heart that Giovanna going home to Heaven instead of home with us was God's plan but that doesn't make the pain go away...maybe it makes me feel a little better to know how special she was, chosen to go Home but my heart is still broken! I love you baby girl..our special angel!

Another month has passed...17 months since I held my baby girl. I miss Giovanna so much, not a day goes by that I don't think about her...what she would look like, the new things she would be learning. My big realisation this month is that we will never have a 'family' picture with our entire family...our precious angel and our rainbow will never be together in a family picture and that hurts. When I was pregnant with Gabriella I thought the pain would magically go away when I could finally hold my baby in my arms...somedays it seems worse, all of the memories I get to make with Gabriella I'll never have with Giovanna. I wish Gabriella would have gotten to meet her big sister I imagine they would have been the best of friends. Over the last 17 months I've learned to live life to the fullest being thankful for ever crazy day I have. I've recently had two friends lose their dads my heart breaks for them I can't imagine the pain of losing a parent. When Giovanna died I lost part of myself, my innocence, I now live in a world where babies die...its a awful pain that no parent should have to feel. I find myself wishing for one more day with her I know that I'll have all eternity someday. So tonight precious baby know that I love and miss you everyday and look forward to eternity with you! I love you baby girl!

The 14th snuck up on me this month it seems like it was just Christmas last week. Today marks 16 months since I held Giovanna in my arms...so much has happened in the last 16 months some days it feels like 16 years have passed others it feels like yesterday. Sixteen months later I still find myself thinking about Giovanna every day I can honestly say there has yet to be a day that I haven't thought about her. I still find myself searching the internet for meconium aspiration syndrome and the causes of it...for someone who has a story similar to ours, and I still haven't found one. Someone asked me the other day if we were done having babies..you get asked that a lot after number 6...i usually just say yeah...I learned 16 months ago it doesn't matter what I want God has a plan for me. But I really thought about it and I told them if Giovanna would have lived I still would have wanted one more because she was so much younger then
her siblings I wanted someone close for her to grow up with but since she is gone I don't feel that way I always thought I would have 6 kids and I do...she'll always be my baby. Tonight I took down her tree...it makes me sad to take down all the beautiful ornaments that were given to us to help remember her...we received a few new ones this year and it means so much to me to know that she wasn't forgotten. It makes me feel so good when I have someone remember her...I have a good friend who never forgets her 'birthday' that means so much to me. Gabriella found her smile this week and I'm sure I'm bias but I think its adorable...sometimes she looks over my shoulder and smiles I can't help but wonder if she's smiling at her Angel. I wish I could have gotten to see Giovanna's smile I bet it would have been beautiful. I wish I had something profound to say tonight but all I can really say is I love and miss you baby girl. Someday I will hold you again but until then please don't forget how special you are to me.

As 2011 has came to an end I am filled with mixed emotions. I survived my first full year without my baby girl while I welcomed our new baby girl into this world. I am so blessed to have had the opportunity to be a mother to both of these beautiful babies. As Gabriella grows I often think of Giovanna and the moments I didn't get to share with her. Sometimes when I look at Gabriella, I see Giovanna and that's odd to me because I never got to see Giovanna this big. One of my biggest fears when I was pregnant was that this baby would come out looking exactly like her big sister and I didn't know how I would handle that, thank God that didn't happen, she looked nothing like her. Giovanna was probably my prettiest baby and I think it was that way for a reason. It funny when we celebrated Giovanna's first birthday back in September I really didn't think that I was beginning my second year without her but now as 2012 begins I realize that I am. I know that no matter how much I wish I could have those moments with her back I never will, I will cherish my memories forever.