Today is Giovanna's 6 month birthday...I can't believe I made it a half a year without her...that it's been a half a year since I held my baby girl. Today was a sunny day, it reminded me of the day she was born. I remember the first time I held her, she was still hooked up to the ventilator so we had to be really careful, she was so perfect, so peaceful. I remember looking down at her and wishing she would open her eyes and cry. Such a simple sound, a baby crying, one that I never got a chance to hear from my beautiful daughter. I have 8.5 hours of memories and in all actuality I really only have about 4 because she was with the doctors the other time and we didnt get but a brief chance to see her...4 hours to last me my entire life. I think about those 4 hours often, I try to remember every detail, there is nothing that I want to forget...I want to remember every second, no matter how joyful or painful, those are my memories of my baby girl.  So I can say in the last 6 months I have learned that the pain doesn't go away, but it gets a little easier to live with, its always still here, under the surface. The fact that a part of me and our family is missing and it will always be. While I feel that I am healing I still think about her everyday and how different our lives would be with her here in our arms...how big she would be getting, learning to crawl, laughing and playing with her big sisters and brothers, starting to eat baby food. I can't let myself focus on what we don't have, the memories we don't have with her. I have to remember that she was a special baby, too special for earth so she got to go straight to be with Jesus. Over these last 6 months I have learned so much about myself, my faith, my family and my friends. There have been many days I know that God alone has carried me through, without my faith I don't know how I would be where I am today. Nick has been so great through all this I know at times he is frustrated with me but he's always there to support me, I love him more every day...even the days he tells me I look a lot older then I am! I have found some great friends in people that I never thought would be so supportive and I have lost some friends that I thought were great friends, I guess it goes to show when the going gets tough, you know whose there for you and I am so thankful for those people that have been there for us and for our family...and the ones that haven't thats ok too, I understand. Things that I use to think were so important really don't matter much anymore...at the end of the day all that matters is my family, they mean more to me then anything...I love them all! I try to remind myself daily that although I might think I have big problems, my problems really arn't that big, there are so many people in this world who have much bigger problems and I pray for them that they may find peace, happiness and health.

Below are a few posts that I started and didn't finish. I was going to finish them before posting them on my blog but I decided that they needed to be posted the way they were unfinished.

2/24
I was recently asked a hypothetical question:  If your house was on fire and everyone was safe and you could safely go back in for one thing, what would that be? Without a thought I said Giovanna's memory box. I feel like its all we have our her, that box and a few hours of memories. I'm so afraid that over time those memories will begin to fade and all I will have is that box.

3/1
Since Giovanna's death I often find myself searching the web for stories similar to mine, I guess its that feeling of comfort knowing that someone else has went through what you have. I have found many tragic stories of baby loss, it breaks my heart to read what these women have went through, the pain that no mother should have to endure. As I read through all of these stories of loss I have yet to find a story similar to mine. Is it that I'm not looking in the right place or am I looking too hard? Is it that a death due to sever meconium aspiration is so rare?  I have found many stories of babies who suffered from meconium aspiration, some worse then others but none died.  It frustrates me that there is virtually no information out there on something that is so common...they don't have a sure reason it happens, no way to prevent it and really conflicting medical knowledge as to what to do when it happens. Its kinda scary, you think that doctors can fix everything with all of the tecnology that is out there...but there are still so many unknowns. I guess thats why we don't live in a perfect world...if this world was what would we have to look forward too....

2/19
In attempting to clean out my closet I found a bag that I would take with me to the kids ball games, I usually carried whatever book I was reading, a blanket and whatever else I felt that I might need in the million hours I was going to be sitting at the ball field. In this bag I found 3 balls of yarn and the baby blanket that I was making for Giovanna. I had forgotten all about starting this blanket, it was a real soft yarn, pink, purple and white, half finished blanket. When I think about the unfinished blanket its reminds me of Giovanna's unfinished life....I can't believe that next week it will be 6 months since she was born, not a day goes by that I don't think about her, miss her and wonder who she would have been. I thought about finishing the blanket but I decided not to, it will go into her memory box unfinished.

March for Babies

Today I signed up for the March of Dimes, March for Babies. I created a team to walk in memory of Giovanna...Walking for our Angel, Giovanna Jean on May 1st at Lynch Field in Greensburg. I invite all of my family and friends to come out and support this cause. Although we were unable to save our precious baby girl, we can help to help raise money to prevent other families from having to go through the loss of a baby. Please stop by my team website http://www.marchforbabies.org/team/t1527847