The 14th snuck up on me this month it seems like it was just Christmas last week. Today marks 16 months since I held Giovanna in my arms...so much has happened in the last 16 months some days it feels like 16 years have passed others it feels like yesterday. Sixteen months later I still find myself thinking about Giovanna every day I can honestly say there has yet to be a day that I haven't thought about her. I still find myself searching the internet for meconium aspiration syndrome and the causes of it...for someone who has a story similar to ours, and I still haven't found one. Someone asked me the other day if we were done having babies..you get asked that a lot after number 6...i usually just say yeah...I learned 16 months ago it doesn't matter what I want God has a plan for me. But I really thought about it and I told them if Giovanna would have lived I still would have wanted one more because she was so much younger then
her siblings I wanted someone close for her to grow up with but since she is gone I don't feel that way I always thought I would have 6 kids and I do...she'll always be my baby. Tonight I took down her tree...it makes me sad to take down all the beautiful ornaments that were given to us to help remember her...we received a few new ones this year and it means so much to me to know that she wasn't forgotten. It makes me feel so good when I have someone remember her...I have a good friend who never forgets her 'birthday' that means so much to me. Gabriella found her smile this week and I'm sure I'm bias but I think its adorable...sometimes she looks over my shoulder and smiles I can't help but wonder if she's smiling at her Angel. I wish I could have gotten to see Giovanna's smile I bet it would have been beautiful. I wish I had something profound to say tonight but all I can really say is I love and miss you baby girl. Someday I will hold you again but until then please don't forget how special you are to me.

As 2011 has came to an end I am filled with mixed emotions. I survived my first full year without my baby girl while I welcomed our new baby girl into this world. I am so blessed to have had the opportunity to be a mother to both of these beautiful babies. As Gabriella grows I often think of Giovanna and the moments I didn't get to share with her. Sometimes when I look at Gabriella, I see Giovanna and that's odd to me because I never got to see Giovanna this big. One of my biggest fears when I was pregnant was that this baby would come out looking exactly like her big sister and I didn't know how I would handle that, thank God that didn't happen, she looked nothing like her. Giovanna was probably my prettiest baby and I think it was that way for a reason. It funny when we celebrated Giovanna's first birthday back in September I really didn't think that I was beginning my second year without her but now as 2012 begins I realize that I am. I know that no matter how much I wish I could have those moments with her back I never will, I will cherish my memories forever.

    Fifteen months...I find it hard to believe that if Giovanna had lived I would be the mother to a fifteen month old today. I can't even begin to think what that would be like...I have a hard time remember what a fifteen month old is like, even though I've had four of them. I have wanted to blog so many times the last few weeks but adjusting to life with a newborn hasn't given me too many opportunities so bare with me this blog will probably be all over the place.
         Sunday night we attended the Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candlelighting at West Penn, this is the second year that we have attended this with our children. It is heartbreaking to see all of the families that have lost a child but it is also comforting to hear Giovanna's name read aloud and for her to be remembered by someone. Nick asked me when we got home that night if I thought it hurt less this year then last year and I can honestly say no, I doubt that it will ever quit hurting but I think that I'm learning to cope with the pain a little better. We've been talking about Giovanna a lot the last few weeks and we put up her Christmas tree with all of the ornaments that were given to us. Joey asked me last week how we were going to tell Gabriella about Giovanna...I never really thought about it. I have already told Gabriella how special she is because she has her own angel, her big sister who watches over her all the time. I hope that we never have to 'tell' Gabriella about Giovanna that she always knows her because we talk about her...she's our baby girl, my third daughter, always part of our family. Even though we may not have years of memories to share with Gabriella we can still honor and remember Giovanna everyday.
     After reading a status update today on facebook it made me realize how people feel bad for themselves...poor me. I don't want to feel bad for myself, I don't want it to be poor me, my baby died, I don't want your sympathy...I'm not happy my baby died it has been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with, I constantly think about her and miss her but if a baby had to die that day I'm glad it was mine and that some other family was spared of the pain of losing a child...a pain that is unimaginable. I know that might sound crazy to most people...to be honest it sounds a little crazy to me...but losing Giovanna is the worst pain I have even felt and I wouldn't wish that on anyone else. As much as it hurts I'm so thankful that God choose me to be Giovanna's mom, even though she was only here for a short time, I was the one that was chosen as her mother, to carry her and love her and I thank God for that everyday. I don't want people to feel bad for me because she died because I'm grateful that she lived! Yes, I'm sad she's not here in my arms but I'm so grateful for the time I had with her and the eternity that I will have with her. God has blessed me and my family in so many ways. I know things don't always go the way we plan or want in life and it's easy to feel bad for ourselves when things are tough but I will continue to try to see through the dark and hard times and remember how blessed I am. When times get to hard I know that I have God to carry me through just as he has done in the past. 
 Happy 15 months in Jesus' arms baby girl! I know you know how much I love and miss you!
Thank you God for allowing me to be Giovanna's mom and all of the blessing you have given me!

learning...

We as parents are suppose to teach our kids....I never thought I could learn as much as I have from my precious baby girl who was only here in my arms for a few short hours...and today I realized I'm still learning from her 14 months later. I'm learning to embrace the moment and enjoy it...even if it's 3:30 am and I'm exhausted and my little peanut wants to party. I'm ashamed to admit it but when my older children decided to party at 3:30 am I became slightly annoyed...wishing them back to sleep. With Gabriella I don't mind it...I enjoy the time with her. I think a lot of it has to do with me cherishing the times I have with Gabriella because I didn't get those times with Giovanna...I never got the chance to wake up in the middle of the night to feed her, to change her diaper or to give her a bath.  All those little tasks that I found cumbersome with my other children I'm loving so much that it makes me feel a little guilty. I wish I could have had the oppertunity to do those things with Giovanna...but I can't help but wonder would I have embraced them as much as I do now. I think I appreciate life more now because I realize how precious and fragile it really is...it can all be taken away in a moment. I hope that I can continue to 'learn' form Giovanna and maybe a few other people can too....I love you baby girl and miss you so much!

I heard this song the other day and I wanted to share it on my blog. I think so many BLM can relate to it.

Gone Too Soon Lyrics

today could've been the day
that you blow out your candles
make a wish as you close your eyes
today could've been the day
everybody was laughin'
instead i just sit here and cry
who would you be?
what would you look like
when you looked at me for the very first time?
today could've been the next day of the rest of your life

not a day goes by that i don't think of you
i'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose
such a ray of light we never knew
gone too soon, yeah

would you have been president?
or a painter, an author or sing like your mother
one thing is evident
would've given all i had
would've loved ya like no other
who would you be?
what would you look like?
would you have my smile and her eyes?
today could've been the next day of the rest of your life

not a day goes by that i don't think of you
i'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose
such a ray of light we never knew
gone too soon, yeah

not a day goes by, oh
i'm always asking why, oh

not a day goes by that i don't think of you
i'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose
such a beautiful life we never knew
gone too soon
you were gone too soon, yeah

and not a day goes by
that i don't think of you

Today's the day the 14th of the month...Giovanna would be 14 months old today! I find it so hard to believe that 14 months has passed..I know I say that every month but it seems like time just flies by. I don't think that the 14th of a month will ever pass with out me thinking about my baby girl...not a day goes by that I don;t think about her. I think back to when I was little how long a week seemed so long now the weeks go by so fast. I didn't realize until Gabriella got here how 'out of practice' I was with a baby, I can't help but think I shouldn't be, I just had a baby last year, I should know what I'm doing. I guess by now I'm a pro at pregnancy...being pregnant for 20 months out of the last 24 will do that to you...and I'm finally getting back into the swing of taking care of a baby again. I wonder everyday how different my life would be now if Giovanna had lived. I wish I could go back to her birthday just to hold her again. I can't help but wonder what she would have been like. Having Gabriella here has reaffirmed that my older children would have loved her to pieces...I'm sure she would have been spoiled rotten. It's odd, while it is a comfort to have a new baby to hold' it also makes me miss Giovanna even more...I truly realize all the time I didn't get to spend with her and memories I didn't get to make. I know that I will probably never know why I lost my baby girl...why I was chosen to be her mother for such a short time. What I do know though is no matter how short the time was that I spent with her I will hold her in my heart forever. I love and miss you baby girl!

I can't believe that Gabriella is going to be 2 weeks old tomorrow...I'm not sure where the time has went. I've been wanting to blog but haven't had a chance. I think we're all adjusting well to having a baby in the house...its been so long I forgot what it was like. I quickly remembered how much longer it takes to get out the door, I was so use to telling everyone to get their shoes and coats on were leaving and they do...I forgot about having to change the baby, feed the baby, change the baby again and make sure I have everything in the diaper bag...but I'm loving the adjustment! The kids seem to really love her, they fight over whose going to sit next to her in the car and whose going to hold her next. Jaden is the only one brave enough to change a diaper...tonight I was in the bathroom and Jaden changed her and attempted to put her pjs on...she was stuck with the arms so I had to help. Its funny everyday she tells me what I'm suppose to dress her in for the day...I never thought a 11 year old would be so excited to have a baby sister! I think Jaden and Joey are defiantly the most impressed by her, while Bailee and Bubba like her, they would rather txt their friends or watch tv!
I'm so happy to she's finally here, those last few weeks of pregnancy were stressful to say the least. Having a new baby in the house makes me miss Giovanna more then I thought...I wish that we could have spent more time with her, getting to know her, making memories with her. It's hard not to think about the things I didn't get to do with her...even the simple things like hearing her cry or nursing her. I wish I could have been more of a mom to her. Today I got Gabriella's birth certificate in the mail, it reminded me of the day I got Giovanna's and the shock of the work deceased stamped across it...a word that doesn't belong on a baby's birth certificate. It's hard to put into words but when I hold my beautiful new baby I'm filled with regret...regret that I didn't get more time with Giovanna, more memories, more pictures of her and a chance to 'mother' her. I try to remember to thank God that I got the time that I did have with her, the pictures I did get and the memories I did make...and to remember how truly blessed I am, how thankful I am for the beautiful children that we have.

Our Rainbow Has Arrived

I'm happy to announce that our 'Rainbow Baby' is here! Gabriella Grace was born at 8:46 am on October 30th. She's a little peanut weighing 7 lbs 5 ozs and 20 inches long!