learning...

We as parents are suppose to teach our kids....I never thought I could learn as much as I have from my precious baby girl who was only here in my arms for a few short hours...and today I realized I'm still learning from her 14 months later. I'm learning to embrace the moment and enjoy it...even if it's 3:30 am and I'm exhausted and my little peanut wants to party. I'm ashamed to admit it but when my older children decided to party at 3:30 am I became slightly annoyed...wishing them back to sleep. With Gabriella I don't mind it...I enjoy the time with her. I think a lot of it has to do with me cherishing the times I have with Gabriella because I didn't get those times with Giovanna...I never got the chance to wake up in the middle of the night to feed her, to change her diaper or to give her a bath.  All those little tasks that I found cumbersome with my other children I'm loving so much that it makes me feel a little guilty. I wish I could have had the oppertunity to do those things with Giovanna...but I can't help but wonder would I have embraced them as much as I do now. I think I appreciate life more now because I realize how precious and fragile it really is...it can all be taken away in a moment. I hope that I can continue to 'learn' form Giovanna and maybe a few other people can too....I love you baby girl and miss you so much!

I heard this song the other day and I wanted to share it on my blog. I think so many BLM can relate to it.

Gone Too Soon Lyrics

today could've been the day
that you blow out your candles
make a wish as you close your eyes
today could've been the day
everybody was laughin'
instead i just sit here and cry
who would you be?
what would you look like
when you looked at me for the very first time?
today could've been the next day of the rest of your life

not a day goes by that i don't think of you
i'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose
such a ray of light we never knew
gone too soon, yeah

would you have been president?
or a painter, an author or sing like your mother
one thing is evident
would've given all i had
would've loved ya like no other
who would you be?
what would you look like?
would you have my smile and her eyes?
today could've been the next day of the rest of your life

not a day goes by that i don't think of you
i'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose
such a ray of light we never knew
gone too soon, yeah

not a day goes by, oh
i'm always asking why, oh

not a day goes by that i don't think of you
i'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose
such a beautiful life we never knew
gone too soon
you were gone too soon, yeah

and not a day goes by
that i don't think of you

Today's the day the 14th of the month...Giovanna would be 14 months old today! I find it so hard to believe that 14 months has passed..I know I say that every month but it seems like time just flies by. I don't think that the 14th of a month will ever pass with out me thinking about my baby girl...not a day goes by that I don;t think about her. I think back to when I was little how long a week seemed so long now the weeks go by so fast. I didn't realize until Gabriella got here how 'out of practice' I was with a baby, I can't help but think I shouldn't be, I just had a baby last year, I should know what I'm doing. I guess by now I'm a pro at pregnancy...being pregnant for 20 months out of the last 24 will do that to you...and I'm finally getting back into the swing of taking care of a baby again. I wonder everyday how different my life would be now if Giovanna had lived. I wish I could go back to her birthday just to hold her again. I can't help but wonder what she would have been like. Having Gabriella here has reaffirmed that my older children would have loved her to pieces...I'm sure she would have been spoiled rotten. It's odd, while it is a comfort to have a new baby to hold' it also makes me miss Giovanna even more...I truly realize all the time I didn't get to spend with her and memories I didn't get to make. I know that I will probably never know why I lost my baby girl...why I was chosen to be her mother for such a short time. What I do know though is no matter how short the time was that I spent with her I will hold her in my heart forever. I love and miss you baby girl!

I can't believe that Gabriella is going to be 2 weeks old tomorrow...I'm not sure where the time has went. I've been wanting to blog but haven't had a chance. I think we're all adjusting well to having a baby in the house...its been so long I forgot what it was like. I quickly remembered how much longer it takes to get out the door, I was so use to telling everyone to get their shoes and coats on were leaving and they do...I forgot about having to change the baby, feed the baby, change the baby again and make sure I have everything in the diaper bag...but I'm loving the adjustment! The kids seem to really love her, they fight over whose going to sit next to her in the car and whose going to hold her next. Jaden is the only one brave enough to change a diaper...tonight I was in the bathroom and Jaden changed her and attempted to put her pjs on...she was stuck with the arms so I had to help. Its funny everyday she tells me what I'm suppose to dress her in for the day...I never thought a 11 year old would be so excited to have a baby sister! I think Jaden and Joey are defiantly the most impressed by her, while Bailee and Bubba like her, they would rather txt their friends or watch tv!
I'm so happy to she's finally here, those last few weeks of pregnancy were stressful to say the least. Having a new baby in the house makes me miss Giovanna more then I thought...I wish that we could have spent more time with her, getting to know her, making memories with her. It's hard not to think about the things I didn't get to do with her...even the simple things like hearing her cry or nursing her. I wish I could have been more of a mom to her. Today I got Gabriella's birth certificate in the mail, it reminded me of the day I got Giovanna's and the shock of the work deceased stamped across it...a word that doesn't belong on a baby's birth certificate. It's hard to put into words but when I hold my beautiful new baby I'm filled with regret...regret that I didn't get more time with Giovanna, more memories, more pictures of her and a chance to 'mother' her. I try to remember to thank God that I got the time that I did have with her, the pictures I did get and the memories I did make...and to remember how truly blessed I am, how thankful I am for the beautiful children that we have.

Our Rainbow Has Arrived

I'm happy to announce that our 'Rainbow Baby' is here! Gabriella Grace was born at 8:46 am on October 30th. She's a little peanut weighing 7 lbs 5 ozs and 20 inches long!