I've tried to write this post at least 100 times but I can never seem to....I think part of it might be because this blog is dedicated to Giovanna and I don't want anything to take away from her. Some of you may already know (if you've seen me lately you can stop wondering if I'm getting fat) Nick and I are expecting our "Rainbow" baby sometime in October. This news brings so many mixed emotions...I want to be excited but the fear is overwhelming. One thing that I learned through Giovanna's death is that a pregnancy does not equal a baby, even a healthy problem free pregnancy....and a baby does not equal a child any thing can happen life is precious and can be taken away in a instant. I can't help but think back to this time last year when the kids were starting school and I was getting ready for Giovanna...we had all the baby stuff set up, clothing washed and in the dresser and we were ready to bring our baby home...then I think about the days after Giovanna died and packing up it all up to give away because I didn't think we would ever have another baby. One of my biggest fears is that this baby will make people forget about Giovanna and I don't want that to happen, as uncomfortable as it is for some people and as much as it hurts I don't want my bay girl forgotten! I don't want is for people to act like this baby is a replacement of Giovanna, that I'm no longer grieving the lost of my daughter because I have a new baby...I will always love and miss her and the memories that I should have made with her. Anyone with more then one kid knows that you love them all equally, there maybe different qualities that you like about each of them but you love them all the same and although Giovanna was only here for a short time I don't love her any less then my living children. I have already had people (who know about Giovanna) say well this baby will be your tie-breaker...you already have 2 girls and 2 boys...I want to shout at them NO this baby is not the tie-breaker...I have 3 daughters, I had a baby I loved from the moment she was conceived, carried to term, was born alive and died...she was my daughter and always will be..she was no less 'real' then any of us are and I love and miss her every day!

Eleven Months

For some reason this didn't post when I wrote it....so here it is a little late! Eleven months have passed since Giovanna's birth...its hard to believe that in one month she will be celebrating her first birthday with Jesus. She is never far from my thoughts, I wonder all of the time what she would be like, how she would act and how our lives would be with her in them. Today is 'fair' day in our house, that means we're packing up and heading to the fair for the week for the kids to show their steers and run wide. It brings back so many memories of last year...I was about 9 months pregnant with Giovanna during the fair, all week I kept telling Nick to enjoy it bc next year we'll be chasing around a baby. Now next year has come but that baby we thought we were going to be chasing around isn't here with us, shes watching over us instead. I've been thinking a lot lately about why me....not in the sense of poor me why did my baby have to die when others live but why was I chosen to be Giovanna's mom...to carry her, love her and lose her after such a short time. As hard as it is to live without her and I glad I was chosen to be her mom and have her in my life. God gave me a gift of a third daughter that I got to love and will continue to love for the rest of my life. I know that day will come when I hold her again and I wouldn't trade that for anything. I love and miss you baby girl!