I have once again been asked....The dreaded question....I'm sure most BLM will agree with me, one of the worst questions you can be asked is...."How many children do you have?" Who would have thought such a simple question could cause so much pain. If you include your angel then you know the awkward silence to follow and if you don't you feel like your cheating them...is there really a answer to this horrible question?!? It's sad to say but my answer depends on my mood, if I want to explain or not. I feel the need to explain when I tell people about Giovanna and I can see there uneasiness, why wouldn't they be, who wants to think about much less talk about such a awful thing...me, I have this overwhelming need at times to tell people, it happened to me, the unimaginable, my baby died shortly after she was born....she wasn't suppose to die, it wasn't suppose to happen like that, it was a normal pregnancy, I had no reason to think she wouldn't be coming home with us. It drives me crazy to see expecting moms take it all for granted, don't get me wrong, I wouldn't wish what happened to Giovanna to happen to anyone but dont take it for granted, realize what a gift you've benn given! I understand at times it suck, your moody, your back hurts, your getting fat...I've been there, I've felt that way but I guess when you lose it all you realize how special it was. Back to the DREADED question...I know its not meant to be hurtful or prying, I find myself asking it to people too. I just never really thought about how hard it is to answer until I lost my angel. I love and miss you baby girl, today and everyday!

Yesterday was Valentine's Day, Giovanna's 5 month birthday and mine & Nick's wedding validation all rolled into one. I can't believe 5 months has passed, I know I say that every month but really it seems like time is flying by. I remember when I was 5 months pregnant, the end seemed so far away, we had just began announcing our pregnancy and the fact that it was another girl. It seemed like we had so long to go before we could meet her. Now that she's been gone for 5 months I feel like it was yesterday....I hold on to every memory of that day, not wanting to forget one single detail. I can't believe our baby girl would be 5 months old...I find myself wondering who she would have looked like, how big she would have been, what she would be doing and how the kids would be driving me crazy fighting over her. I watch my daughters with my nieces and its bittersweet, I know they would have been great big sisters, they love to hold them and carry them around. I remember when I was pregnant with Joey, Jaden was about 3 and we found out we were having a boy, she cried and said she wanted a baby sister because she already had a brother. So of course I just wanted her to stop crying so I told her don't worry we'll have another baby and I'll never forget Bailee who was probaby 6 had this awful look on her face and she said 'Really Mom, dont you think 4's enough?' I think I told Bailee 4 was enough but unless we wanted to listen to Jaden cry all day just go along with it. Jaden did get her little sister after all and although she only held her for a short time she will remember her forever...we all will, she touched our lives in ways we could never imagion. I wish that she would have been there with us last night, as our kids watched Nick and I rededicate ourselves to each other. When I married Nick almost 13 years ago I never in a million years thought we would lose our baby...through all that we have been through in this last year I would have never made it without him, he truly is my rock. I imagine how different our lives would be with her here today...aside from the sleepless nights I'm sure she would have been a great joy. It's weird over these last few months missing her has become my normal, a normal I never thought would be mine...I love and miss you baby girl!

Today's blog is harsh, if your easily offended STOP reading now!

Why is it so hard for people to understand that I'm hurting???? Yeah, I continue to live my life....I have to be ok, I have a family! But just because things look ok doesn't mean that a minute goes by that I don't think about or miss my baby! I have to continue on in my life, its a challenge to do the things I do but I cant sit home and cry everyday. If I don't keep myself busy I think I would be insane. I'm not going to tell you how bad it hurts, it's easier to tell you I'm ok, I don't need you to feel bad for me, just understand that I'm in pain...a pain that I wish didn't exist...a pain I wish no one ever had to feel. I don't think the pain ever goes away. It doesn't hurt me to talk about my baby, I think about her all the time but I see how uneasy it makes the people I'm talking to so I don't...there's no point in upsetting people. I'm just frustrated, I wish people would realize that there are bigger problems in this world then theirs! My heart breaks for my baby but I don't kid myself for one minute in thinking that it's the biggest problem in the world. I know that there are bigger things in this world then me and my problems. When dealing with issues that arise I try to remind myself...is this really a big deal, in the grand scheme of things will it really matter that much, a day a week or a month from now! It drives me insane to see people create problems where there doesn't have to be...there is enough of it in this world...why do we want to make more for ourselves!?! I really fill like I'm reaching my breaking point with other peoples problems. I don't care, I'm trying to be nice but I dealing with a pain that most of you cant imagine....you don't have to spend everyday wondering what your life should be like, you don't feel like a part of you is missing, you don't wake up from a dream wishing you could go back to sleep because your baby was alive in your dream...I don't want your pity, I want you to wake up and realize that this world is so much bigger then you and I. Lets thank God for what we have and treat others the way we want to be treated!