Twenty months ago I went in to labor expecting to bring home a precious baby girl in a day or two...instead I left the hospital that same night heart broken! Not a day goes by that I don't think about that precious baby girl and those few short hours we had with her. Although I've come to terms with losing her it doesn't take the pain away...it makes it easier to go on but it still hurts. I think one of the hardest things is all of the memories I never got to make with her. Twenty months....maybe now that we're in the twenty's I'm realizing how close two years is. When I hold you again in my arms precious baby I will tell you how much I love you!

19 months

Another month has passed in our crazy lives. So many nights I want to get on the computer and blog but I'm usually so tired from running all day. I know that's a crappy excuse I need to make it a priority but the day usual gets away from me before I know it.
Giovanna, however is never far from my thoughts. I think about her everyday and how my life would be with her here. Sometimes Gabriella just cracks up laughing when no one is anywhere near her, I like to think its her big sister saying hi to her. Nick made the comment the other day that she looks like Giovanna and he was right she does. That was one of my fears whtn I was pregnant that she would be born and look exactly like Giovanna, thankfully she didn't. As she grows though and her face feels out I can definatly see Giovanna in her. I constantly hear how much she looks like Jaden and Joey and she does too she follows the trend of our kids...2 girls the first blond the second brown, 2 boys the first blond the second brown and 2 more girls, Giovanna's hair was dark, she didn't have much of it but it was dark I wonder if it would have turned light like Bubba's did...
Today someone commented to how 'spoiled' Gabriella is, I just agreed with them...can't argue with the truth! I can't help it, I can't stand to let her cry, I'll admit most of my day consist of holding her, feeding her and playing with her. She has my undivided attention. The little things that annoy most mom (and I'll admit drove me crazy with my older 4) don't bother me in the least, I don't mind not being able to get anything done, feeling like the day was a complete success because I did laundry and made dinner, getting up 2-4 times and night (it reassures me she's still breathing as awful as that sounds and if by some chance she does sleep, I don't). I know that losing Giovanna has caused me to cherish Gabriella that much more and I'm thankful for that. It drives me crazy when I hear moms complaining about how demanding a baby is...they're suppose to be. I would give anything to have been able to wake up in the middle of the night and take care of my baby girl. I realize that all of these memories we are making I'll never have with Giovanna, when I think back I wish I would have know how limited my time was going to be, maybe I would have cherished my pregnancy more and not complained so much. I really don't know, all I know for sure is that 19 months later the pain is still here, I've learned to live with it better, my heart doesn't break when I see a baby but I know Gabriella has a lot to so with that. I have no choice but to think that things turned out the way they did for a reason...one I may never know the answer too but still a reason. Because of Giovanna's short life I am thankful for every moment I have with my kids that much more (even when they're driving me nuts, which is quite often then the older girls!)
As another month passes baby girl know that I think of you often, miss you more then you'll ever know and love you more then words can say!

18 months

I wonder if I will ever stop counting the days and months since Giovanna was born..if she lived she would have been 18 months old, a year and a half. I can't even imagine, I'm sure she would be walking and talking trying to keep up with her brothers and sister and probably starting to get into their stuff. I can't help but find myself thinking what my life would be like with two babies. I'm beginning to realize that 2 years will be here before I know it. The pain isn't going away, it's getting easier to live with but I still think about Giovanna every day...some days I wish I didn't have to carry this burden that I could just be a mom whose baby didn't die. I realize though for some reason one I may never know God choose me to be Giovanna's mom. I feel like I write the same things every month, I'm trying not to dwell in my pain I go on because I have to but I miss my little girl so much. I love you baby girl!

I normally don't have time to watch the news, I know that sounds awful but I'm usually busy with something, transferring kids to some sort of sporting event...the most news I get it what I hear on the radio in the car. Last night I had a rare few minutes before basketball to catch the evening news...the main story was about a 3 day old infant who was bitten on the head by the family dog and later died. As you may imagine, as soon as I heard that story my heart broke for that mother and family, such a horrible thing to have happen...I'm sure it was the last thing she expected when she walked out of that room for a second. I know that feeling too well; when the last thing you expect is for your child to die and it happens.
What amazes me the most is the blame that people are instantly putting on this mother.
 "She was young, 21 with 3 kids what do you expect" ARE you kidding me?!? I was young too 24 with 4 kids (don't I wish I was still that young)...did that mean I was a bad mother, that my child deserved to die? Just because your young doesn't automatically make you a bad mother. Come on, you can be a bad mother at 17 or 37!  I was a mother at 17 and although it wasn't planned that didn't make me a bad mother; if anything I think it made me a better mother, I had something to prove, I loved Bailee from the moment I learned I was pregnant, she changed me in so many ways and I'm proud of that!
"Why would any mother put their baby on the floor" SERIOUSLY...Gabriella is on the floor right now beside me in her bouncer seat(I guess she should technically be in bed this late, but that is part of my paranoia that comes from losing a baby)...where else should I put her, on the table or couch so maybe she falls off? Does that make me a bad mother? I doubt that in fact there is a warning on the seat not to out it on the table!
It's so easy for us to judge other people even though we never walked in their shoes. I'm sure there has been judging of me behind my back and I can honestly tell you...I really don't give a crap what anyone thinks! Since losing Giovanna that is something that I try really hard not to do, judge. I can say for sure I will never judge a grieving mother on how she grieves for her child. Although, I have never met this women and know nothing about her except what I heard on the news; I can almost guarantee you she never would have left that room if she thought her dog would hurt her baby. She will live with that guilt for the rest of her life. Even thought I know there was nothing I did to cause Giovanna to die, I still live with the feeling of maybe there was something I could have done to saved her...maybe we should have waited a little longer to take her off life support, maybe I should have fought harder (for what I don't know). All I know was at that time in that moment when those doctors told me my baby may not make it for our priest to baptize all I could think of was that we needed to have her in our arms I couldn't bare the thought of her laying on that table all alone in pain. I will constantly live in regret of that day..we didn't get enough picture, the pictures weren't good enough, I wish more of my family would have gotten a chance to met her, I should have spent more time holding her after she passed...but I can't go back, there are no do-overs in life, I have to accept what was mine and go on the best I can. Yeah on the surface things may seem back to normal in our house, I laugh and smile, I don't cry everyday, I have a new baby and I go on with my live but they will never be 'normal' for me again I will constantly miss my baby, constantly wonder what live would be like with her here. I truly believe in my heart that Giovanna going home to Heaven instead of home with us was God's plan but that doesn't make the pain go away...maybe it makes me feel a little better to know how special she was, chosen to go Home but my heart is still broken! I love you baby girl..our special angel!

Another month has passed...17 months since I held my baby girl. I miss Giovanna so much, not a day goes by that I don't think about her...what she would look like, the new things she would be learning. My big realisation this month is that we will never have a 'family' picture with our entire family...our precious angel and our rainbow will never be together in a family picture and that hurts. When I was pregnant with Gabriella I thought the pain would magically go away when I could finally hold my baby in my arms...somedays it seems worse, all of the memories I get to make with Gabriella I'll never have with Giovanna. I wish Gabriella would have gotten to meet her big sister I imagine they would have been the best of friends. Over the last 17 months I've learned to live life to the fullest being thankful for ever crazy day I have. I've recently had two friends lose their dads my heart breaks for them I can't imagine the pain of losing a parent. When Giovanna died I lost part of myself, my innocence, I now live in a world where babies die...its a awful pain that no parent should have to feel. I find myself wishing for one more day with her I know that I'll have all eternity someday. So tonight precious baby know that I love and miss you everyday and look forward to eternity with you! I love you baby girl!

The 14th snuck up on me this month it seems like it was just Christmas last week. Today marks 16 months since I held Giovanna in my arms...so much has happened in the last 16 months some days it feels like 16 years have passed others it feels like yesterday. Sixteen months later I still find myself thinking about Giovanna every day I can honestly say there has yet to be a day that I haven't thought about her. I still find myself searching the internet for meconium aspiration syndrome and the causes of it...for someone who has a story similar to ours, and I still haven't found one. Someone asked me the other day if we were done having babies..you get asked that a lot after number 6...i usually just say yeah...I learned 16 months ago it doesn't matter what I want God has a plan for me. But I really thought about it and I told them if Giovanna would have lived I still would have wanted one more because she was so much younger then
her siblings I wanted someone close for her to grow up with but since she is gone I don't feel that way I always thought I would have 6 kids and I do...she'll always be my baby. Tonight I took down her tree...it makes me sad to take down all the beautiful ornaments that were given to us to help remember her...we received a few new ones this year and it means so much to me to know that she wasn't forgotten. It makes me feel so good when I have someone remember her...I have a good friend who never forgets her 'birthday' that means so much to me. Gabriella found her smile this week and I'm sure I'm bias but I think its adorable...sometimes she looks over my shoulder and smiles I can't help but wonder if she's smiling at her Angel. I wish I could have gotten to see Giovanna's smile I bet it would have been beautiful. I wish I had something profound to say tonight but all I can really say is I love and miss you baby girl. Someday I will hold you again but until then please don't forget how special you are to me.

As 2011 has came to an end I am filled with mixed emotions. I survived my first full year without my baby girl while I welcomed our new baby girl into this world. I am so blessed to have had the opportunity to be a mother to both of these beautiful babies. As Gabriella grows I often think of Giovanna and the moments I didn't get to share with her. Sometimes when I look at Gabriella, I see Giovanna and that's odd to me because I never got to see Giovanna this big. One of my biggest fears when I was pregnant was that this baby would come out looking exactly like her big sister and I didn't know how I would handle that, thank God that didn't happen, she looked nothing like her. Giovanna was probably my prettiest baby and I think it was that way for a reason. It funny when we celebrated Giovanna's first birthday back in September I really didn't think that I was beginning my second year without her but now as 2012 begins I realize that I am. I know that no matter how much I wish I could have those moments with her back I never will, I will cherish my memories forever.