18 months

I wonder if I will ever stop counting the days and months since Giovanna was born..if she lived she would have been 18 months old, a year and a half. I can't even imagine, I'm sure she would be walking and talking trying to keep up with her brothers and sister and probably starting to get into their stuff. I can't help but find myself thinking what my life would be like with two babies. I'm beginning to realize that 2 years will be here before I know it. The pain isn't going away, it's getting easier to live with but I still think about Giovanna every day...some days I wish I didn't have to carry this burden that I could just be a mom whose baby didn't die. I realize though for some reason one I may never know God choose me to be Giovanna's mom. I feel like I write the same things every month, I'm trying not to dwell in my pain I go on because I have to but I miss my little girl so much. I love you baby girl!

I normally don't have time to watch the news, I know that sounds awful but I'm usually busy with something, transferring kids to some sort of sporting event...the most news I get it what I hear on the radio in the car. Last night I had a rare few minutes before basketball to catch the evening news...the main story was about a 3 day old infant who was bitten on the head by the family dog and later died. As you may imagine, as soon as I heard that story my heart broke for that mother and family, such a horrible thing to have happen...I'm sure it was the last thing she expected when she walked out of that room for a second. I know that feeling too well; when the last thing you expect is for your child to die and it happens.
What amazes me the most is the blame that people are instantly putting on this mother.
 "She was young, 21 with 3 kids what do you expect" ARE you kidding me?!? I was young too 24 with 4 kids (don't I wish I was still that young)...did that mean I was a bad mother, that my child deserved to die? Just because your young doesn't automatically make you a bad mother. Come on, you can be a bad mother at 17 or 37!  I was a mother at 17 and although it wasn't planned that didn't make me a bad mother; if anything I think it made me a better mother, I had something to prove, I loved Bailee from the moment I learned I was pregnant, she changed me in so many ways and I'm proud of that!
"Why would any mother put their baby on the floor" SERIOUSLY...Gabriella is on the floor right now beside me in her bouncer seat(I guess she should technically be in bed this late, but that is part of my paranoia that comes from losing a baby)...where else should I put her, on the table or couch so maybe she falls off? Does that make me a bad mother? I doubt that in fact there is a warning on the seat not to out it on the table!
It's so easy for us to judge other people even though we never walked in their shoes. I'm sure there has been judging of me behind my back and I can honestly tell you...I really don't give a crap what anyone thinks! Since losing Giovanna that is something that I try really hard not to do, judge. I can say for sure I will never judge a grieving mother on how she grieves for her child. Although, I have never met this women and know nothing about her except what I heard on the news; I can almost guarantee you she never would have left that room if she thought her dog would hurt her baby. She will live with that guilt for the rest of her life. Even thought I know there was nothing I did to cause Giovanna to die, I still live with the feeling of maybe there was something I could have done to saved her...maybe we should have waited a little longer to take her off life support, maybe I should have fought harder (for what I don't know). All I know was at that time in that moment when those doctors told me my baby may not make it for our priest to baptize all I could think of was that we needed to have her in our arms I couldn't bare the thought of her laying on that table all alone in pain. I will constantly live in regret of that day..we didn't get enough picture, the pictures weren't good enough, I wish more of my family would have gotten a chance to met her, I should have spent more time holding her after she passed...but I can't go back, there are no do-overs in life, I have to accept what was mine and go on the best I can. Yeah on the surface things may seem back to normal in our house, I laugh and smile, I don't cry everyday, I have a new baby and I go on with my live but they will never be 'normal' for me again I will constantly miss my baby, constantly wonder what live would be like with her here. I truly believe in my heart that Giovanna going home to Heaven instead of home with us was God's plan but that doesn't make the pain go away...maybe it makes me feel a little better to know how special she was, chosen to go Home but my heart is still broken! I love you baby girl..our special angel!

Another month has passed...17 months since I held my baby girl. I miss Giovanna so much, not a day goes by that I don't think about her...what she would look like, the new things she would be learning. My big realisation this month is that we will never have a 'family' picture with our entire family...our precious angel and our rainbow will never be together in a family picture and that hurts. When I was pregnant with Gabriella I thought the pain would magically go away when I could finally hold my baby in my arms...somedays it seems worse, all of the memories I get to make with Gabriella I'll never have with Giovanna. I wish Gabriella would have gotten to meet her big sister I imagine they would have been the best of friends. Over the last 17 months I've learned to live life to the fullest being thankful for ever crazy day I have. I've recently had two friends lose their dads my heart breaks for them I can't imagine the pain of losing a parent. When Giovanna died I lost part of myself, my innocence, I now live in a world where babies die...its a awful pain that no parent should have to feel. I find myself wishing for one more day with her I know that I'll have all eternity someday. So tonight precious baby know that I love and miss you everyday and look forward to eternity with you! I love you baby girl!

The 14th snuck up on me this month it seems like it was just Christmas last week. Today marks 16 months since I held Giovanna in my arms...so much has happened in the last 16 months some days it feels like 16 years have passed others it feels like yesterday. Sixteen months later I still find myself thinking about Giovanna every day I can honestly say there has yet to be a day that I haven't thought about her. I still find myself searching the internet for meconium aspiration syndrome and the causes of it...for someone who has a story similar to ours, and I still haven't found one. Someone asked me the other day if we were done having babies..you get asked that a lot after number 6...i usually just say yeah...I learned 16 months ago it doesn't matter what I want God has a plan for me. But I really thought about it and I told them if Giovanna would have lived I still would have wanted one more because she was so much younger then
her siblings I wanted someone close for her to grow up with but since she is gone I don't feel that way I always thought I would have 6 kids and I do...she'll always be my baby. Tonight I took down her tree...it makes me sad to take down all the beautiful ornaments that were given to us to help remember her...we received a few new ones this year and it means so much to me to know that she wasn't forgotten. It makes me feel so good when I have someone remember her...I have a good friend who never forgets her 'birthday' that means so much to me. Gabriella found her smile this week and I'm sure I'm bias but I think its adorable...sometimes she looks over my shoulder and smiles I can't help but wonder if she's smiling at her Angel. I wish I could have gotten to see Giovanna's smile I bet it would have been beautiful. I wish I had something profound to say tonight but all I can really say is I love and miss you baby girl. Someday I will hold you again but until then please don't forget how special you are to me.

As 2011 has came to an end I am filled with mixed emotions. I survived my first full year without my baby girl while I welcomed our new baby girl into this world. I am so blessed to have had the opportunity to be a mother to both of these beautiful babies. As Gabriella grows I often think of Giovanna and the moments I didn't get to share with her. Sometimes when I look at Gabriella, I see Giovanna and that's odd to me because I never got to see Giovanna this big. One of my biggest fears when I was pregnant was that this baby would come out looking exactly like her big sister and I didn't know how I would handle that, thank God that didn't happen, she looked nothing like her. Giovanna was probably my prettiest baby and I think it was that way for a reason. It funny when we celebrated Giovanna's first birthday back in September I really didn't think that I was beginning my second year without her but now as 2012 begins I realize that I am. I know that no matter how much I wish I could have those moments with her back I never will, I will cherish my memories forever.

    Fifteen months...I find it hard to believe that if Giovanna had lived I would be the mother to a fifteen month old today. I can't even begin to think what that would be like...I have a hard time remember what a fifteen month old is like, even though I've had four of them. I have wanted to blog so many times the last few weeks but adjusting to life with a newborn hasn't given me too many opportunities so bare with me this blog will probably be all over the place.
         Sunday night we attended the Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candlelighting at West Penn, this is the second year that we have attended this with our children. It is heartbreaking to see all of the families that have lost a child but it is also comforting to hear Giovanna's name read aloud and for her to be remembered by someone. Nick asked me when we got home that night if I thought it hurt less this year then last year and I can honestly say no, I doubt that it will ever quit hurting but I think that I'm learning to cope with the pain a little better. We've been talking about Giovanna a lot the last few weeks and we put up her Christmas tree with all of the ornaments that were given to us. Joey asked me last week how we were going to tell Gabriella about Giovanna...I never really thought about it. I have already told Gabriella how special she is because she has her own angel, her big sister who watches over her all the time. I hope that we never have to 'tell' Gabriella about Giovanna that she always knows her because we talk about her...she's our baby girl, my third daughter, always part of our family. Even though we may not have years of memories to share with Gabriella we can still honor and remember Giovanna everyday.
     After reading a status update today on facebook it made me realize how people feel bad for themselves...poor me. I don't want to feel bad for myself, I don't want it to be poor me, my baby died, I don't want your sympathy...I'm not happy my baby died it has been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with, I constantly think about her and miss her but if a baby had to die that day I'm glad it was mine and that some other family was spared of the pain of losing a child...a pain that is unimaginable. I know that might sound crazy to most people...to be honest it sounds a little crazy to me...but losing Giovanna is the worst pain I have even felt and I wouldn't wish that on anyone else. As much as it hurts I'm so thankful that God choose me to be Giovanna's mom, even though she was only here for a short time, I was the one that was chosen as her mother, to carry her and love her and I thank God for that everyday. I don't want people to feel bad for me because she died because I'm grateful that she lived! Yes, I'm sad she's not here in my arms but I'm so grateful for the time I had with her and the eternity that I will have with her. God has blessed me and my family in so many ways. I know things don't always go the way we plan or want in life and it's easy to feel bad for ourselves when things are tough but I will continue to try to see through the dark and hard times and remember how blessed I am. When times get to hard I know that I have God to carry me through just as he has done in the past. 
 Happy 15 months in Jesus' arms baby girl! I know you know how much I love and miss you!
Thank you God for allowing me to be Giovanna's mom and all of the blessing you have given me!

learning...

We as parents are suppose to teach our kids....I never thought I could learn as much as I have from my precious baby girl who was only here in my arms for a few short hours...and today I realized I'm still learning from her 14 months later. I'm learning to embrace the moment and enjoy it...even if it's 3:30 am and I'm exhausted and my little peanut wants to party. I'm ashamed to admit it but when my older children decided to party at 3:30 am I became slightly annoyed...wishing them back to sleep. With Gabriella I don't mind it...I enjoy the time with her. I think a lot of it has to do with me cherishing the times I have with Gabriella because I didn't get those times with Giovanna...I never got the chance to wake up in the middle of the night to feed her, to change her diaper or to give her a bath.  All those little tasks that I found cumbersome with my other children I'm loving so much that it makes me feel a little guilty. I wish I could have had the oppertunity to do those things with Giovanna...but I can't help but wonder would I have embraced them as much as I do now. I think I appreciate life more now because I realize how precious and fragile it really is...it can all be taken away in a moment. I hope that I can continue to 'learn' form Giovanna and maybe a few other people can too....I love you baby girl and miss you so much!

I heard this song the other day and I wanted to share it on my blog. I think so many BLM can relate to it.

Gone Too Soon Lyrics

today could've been the day
that you blow out your candles
make a wish as you close your eyes
today could've been the day
everybody was laughin'
instead i just sit here and cry
who would you be?
what would you look like
when you looked at me for the very first time?
today could've been the next day of the rest of your life

not a day goes by that i don't think of you
i'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose
such a ray of light we never knew
gone too soon, yeah

would you have been president?
or a painter, an author or sing like your mother
one thing is evident
would've given all i had
would've loved ya like no other
who would you be?
what would you look like?
would you have my smile and her eyes?
today could've been the next day of the rest of your life

not a day goes by that i don't think of you
i'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose
such a ray of light we never knew
gone too soon, yeah

not a day goes by, oh
i'm always asking why, oh

not a day goes by that i don't think of you
i'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose
such a beautiful life we never knew
gone too soon
you were gone too soon, yeah

and not a day goes by
that i don't think of you