learning...

We as parents are suppose to teach our kids....I never thought I could learn as much as I have from my precious baby girl who was only here in my arms for a few short hours...and today I realized I'm still learning from her 14 months later. I'm learning to embrace the moment and enjoy it...even if it's 3:30 am and I'm exhausted and my little peanut wants to party. I'm ashamed to admit it but when my older children decided to party at 3:30 am I became slightly annoyed...wishing them back to sleep. With Gabriella I don't mind it...I enjoy the time with her. I think a lot of it has to do with me cherishing the times I have with Gabriella because I didn't get those times with Giovanna...I never got the chance to wake up in the middle of the night to feed her, to change her diaper or to give her a bath.  All those little tasks that I found cumbersome with my other children I'm loving so much that it makes me feel a little guilty. I wish I could have had the oppertunity to do those things with Giovanna...but I can't help but wonder would I have embraced them as much as I do now. I think I appreciate life more now because I realize how precious and fragile it really is...it can all be taken away in a moment. I hope that I can continue to 'learn' form Giovanna and maybe a few other people can too....I love you baby girl and miss you so much!

I heard this song the other day and I wanted to share it on my blog. I think so many BLM can relate to it.

Gone Too Soon Lyrics

today could've been the day
that you blow out your candles
make a wish as you close your eyes
today could've been the day
everybody was laughin'
instead i just sit here and cry
who would you be?
what would you look like
when you looked at me for the very first time?
today could've been the next day of the rest of your life

not a day goes by that i don't think of you
i'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose
such a ray of light we never knew
gone too soon, yeah

would you have been president?
or a painter, an author or sing like your mother
one thing is evident
would've given all i had
would've loved ya like no other
who would you be?
what would you look like?
would you have my smile and her eyes?
today could've been the next day of the rest of your life

not a day goes by that i don't think of you
i'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose
such a ray of light we never knew
gone too soon, yeah

not a day goes by, oh
i'm always asking why, oh

not a day goes by that i don't think of you
i'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose
such a beautiful life we never knew
gone too soon
you were gone too soon, yeah

and not a day goes by
that i don't think of you

Today's the day the 14th of the month...Giovanna would be 14 months old today! I find it so hard to believe that 14 months has passed..I know I say that every month but it seems like time just flies by. I don't think that the 14th of a month will ever pass with out me thinking about my baby girl...not a day goes by that I don;t think about her. I think back to when I was little how long a week seemed so long now the weeks go by so fast. I didn't realize until Gabriella got here how 'out of practice' I was with a baby, I can't help but think I shouldn't be, I just had a baby last year, I should know what I'm doing. I guess by now I'm a pro at pregnancy...being pregnant for 20 months out of the last 24 will do that to you...and I'm finally getting back into the swing of taking care of a baby again. I wonder everyday how different my life would be now if Giovanna had lived. I wish I could go back to her birthday just to hold her again. I can't help but wonder what she would have been like. Having Gabriella here has reaffirmed that my older children would have loved her to pieces...I'm sure she would have been spoiled rotten. It's odd, while it is a comfort to have a new baby to hold' it also makes me miss Giovanna even more...I truly realize all the time I didn't get to spend with her and memories I didn't get to make. I know that I will probably never know why I lost my baby girl...why I was chosen to be her mother for such a short time. What I do know though is no matter how short the time was that I spent with her I will hold her in my heart forever. I love and miss you baby girl!

I can't believe that Gabriella is going to be 2 weeks old tomorrow...I'm not sure where the time has went. I've been wanting to blog but haven't had a chance. I think we're all adjusting well to having a baby in the house...its been so long I forgot what it was like. I quickly remembered how much longer it takes to get out the door, I was so use to telling everyone to get their shoes and coats on were leaving and they do...I forgot about having to change the baby, feed the baby, change the baby again and make sure I have everything in the diaper bag...but I'm loving the adjustment! The kids seem to really love her, they fight over whose going to sit next to her in the car and whose going to hold her next. Jaden is the only one brave enough to change a diaper...tonight I was in the bathroom and Jaden changed her and attempted to put her pjs on...she was stuck with the arms so I had to help. Its funny everyday she tells me what I'm suppose to dress her in for the day...I never thought a 11 year old would be so excited to have a baby sister! I think Jaden and Joey are defiantly the most impressed by her, while Bailee and Bubba like her, they would rather txt their friends or watch tv!
I'm so happy to she's finally here, those last few weeks of pregnancy were stressful to say the least. Having a new baby in the house makes me miss Giovanna more then I thought...I wish that we could have spent more time with her, getting to know her, making memories with her. It's hard not to think about the things I didn't get to do with her...even the simple things like hearing her cry or nursing her. I wish I could have been more of a mom to her. Today I got Gabriella's birth certificate in the mail, it reminded me of the day I got Giovanna's and the shock of the work deceased stamped across it...a word that doesn't belong on a baby's birth certificate. It's hard to put into words but when I hold my beautiful new baby I'm filled with regret...regret that I didn't get more time with Giovanna, more memories, more pictures of her and a chance to 'mother' her. I try to remember to thank God that I got the time that I did have with her, the pictures I did get and the memories I did make...and to remember how truly blessed I am, how thankful I am for the beautiful children that we have.

Our Rainbow Has Arrived

I'm happy to announce that our 'Rainbow Baby' is here! Gabriella Grace was born at 8:46 am on October 30th. She's a little peanut weighing 7 lbs 5 ozs and 20 inches long!

I don't even know where to begin....I am so frustrated at this point in my pregnancy. When I originally went to the Dr's I was given a due date of 10/16 and told that because of what happened with Giovanna they would induce me at 39 weeks...I'm still pregnant! After my anatomy scan at 18 weeks the Dr decided to move my due date back to 10/29 biased on that...the problem with this theory is it is proven that second trimester scans can be off 14 days either way. I expressed my concerns many of times to the 3 different Dr's that I see and was given 3 different opinions...keep original date, better safe then sorry...go with new date, it's rare that they are off (it's also a less then 1% chance that a baby with meconium will die and we all know how that ended up)...the 3rd Dr said biased on everything she felt confident in moving my due date to 10/20. I was content with that decision...not the 16 but close enough and I have delivered all of my babies at 41+ weeks. So every time I go to the Dr's I'm given some sort of run-around as to why they can't schedule my induction...according to the due date of 10/20 I was 39 weeks on 10/13 so when I went into my appointment expecting to be scheduled I was told..no we can't schedule you bc your not dilated...then the truth comes out...no one changed my due date back to 10/20 in my chart it's still listed as 10/29 so I'm not 39 weeks and the hospital will not allow the Dr's to schedule a elective induction until 39 weeks!
It makes me so made, I hear of people all of the time that deliver at 37+ weeks! I have had 5 babies that I have carried for a minium of 41 weeks each time, I fully understand that when the baby is ready it will come and I'm a firm believer of that but we lost our last baby because she was late. The risk of meconium increases as you go post dates...I understand it was rare...less then 1% but it happened to us....I just don't get why they Dr's can't seem to understand that! This is unnecessary stress that I don't need right now, it's hard enough to hold it together. Not a day goes by that I don't think about my daughter and wish that she was here with us. But she's not and its my reality that sometimes rare things happen I just don't want it to happen again. After losing Giovanna I have met many strong women who have been through horrible losses and while they have been a great support system it really opens your eyes to all of the things that can go wrong and it's hard not to stress about that. I just pray that soon this baby will be safe in our arms...it's already a special baby with it's own guardian angel!

Today makes 13 months since we had our baby girl. It amazes me that over a year has passed and I still remember the details of that day better then I can remember what happened this morning! I guess its because I have so few memories of Giovanna...I wish that I had more. I'm grateful that I got to meet my baby, hold her and love her for the short time that she was here...my heart breaks for other mothers who never had that opportunity. Even though Giovanna's time on earth was short she will be remembered and loved for eternity and I thank God that I was chosen to be her mother! I love and miss you baby girl!

I have been so busy since Sept. that I really haven't had a chance to blog. I joined the working force once school started with a temporary job as the preschool aid at my kids school until they could get someone full time. I figured it would get me out of the house and my mind off of the last few weeks of this pregnancy...I learned really quickly I'm a SAHM for a reason and I pray that I don't have to work again for a LONG time! I think it was best described the evening I told Nick all this working is getting in the way of my volunteering! Between working all day and running the kids to all there events in the evenings and week-ends there was no time to get anything done...I give working moms lots of credit...its not fun! Thankfully, I'm finally done and I can resume my place as a SAHM!