Ten months....I never thought I would make it through one day with my baby girl; to think I have made it ten months is unbelievable. Those first few weeks I wasn't sure I would ever make it through the day without crying. Losing Giovanna was the hardest thing that I have ever had to go through; no family should have to endure the pain that comes with losing a child. Not a day goes by that I don't think about how our lives would be with her here with us instead of watching over us. I'm preparing to go to NYC with Bailee for a week next week while I'm excited to go and spend some time with Bailee without the other kids it also makes me sad knowing that I would not be going if Giovanna was here. It's hard to believe in two short months Giovanna will be celebrating her 1st birthday in heaven...I can't believe almost a year has passed. I find myself thinking about that day she was born, wishing I had more time with her...more time to hold her...more time to get to know her. I wonder what she would be like today; would she be crawling, learning to walk, getting into everything? Nick and I were talking the other day and I told him we should be glad for her, she got to go straight to heaven, she didn't have to suffer through life here, she never had to be disappointed or hurt...but at the same time she never got to have the good parts of life and that breaks my heart. I wish life gave you redo's or at least chances to go back in time, so i could hold my baby girl one more time.

Every time this song comes on the radio I find myself thinking of Giovanna and wishing it were true!

I love and miss you baby girl!

Butterfly Release

Yesterday we went to the Angel Heart butterfly release at WP Hospital. It was the second time I have been back to there since we had Giovanna, on the way there I couldn't stop thinking about the drive home after Giovanna had passed and how emotional it was. I keep remembering how Jaden said, this isn't how it was suppose to be....according to us it wasn't how it was suppose to be but it was in His plan. It makes me realise that I shouldn't take a moment for granted, every second we have is truly a gift.
At the butterfly relase we were given flowers to plant in honor of our babies, we then went outside where there was a small service and a blessing of the flowers then we released the butterflies. In typical fashion, Joey opened his early to look at it and of course it flew away, he wouldn't be our son if he was doing what he's suppose to! It's heartbreaking to be around all of those people who have lost a child for whatever reason. When we were leaving we were given a ceramic butterfly with a poem on it that I would like to share.
As a butterfly graces our lives with a moment of beauty,
so has our baby's presence for a day, month, a year, or a short sweet flickering moment.
May you find peace & joy with each butterfly that flies in the beautiful sky,
knowing your baby lives in the hearts of everyone they have touched.
I know that Giovanna lives in many hearts!

I know this is late we were on vacation last week.

Nine months has passed since I held my baby girl....9 months means that she has been gone longer then she existed, that's hard to believe.  The kids and I spent the day on vacation, we went out on a boat to look for dolphins and then spent the afternoon at the zoo...I couldn't help myself in wondering how she would have liked it. I think about her everyday, how much I wish she was here with us instead of watching over us...what she would be like, who she would look like, I don't think I'll every stop wondering who she would have been. I can always wonder and someday I will see her and know. I love and miss you baby girl!

As school's ending for the year and summer vacation is beginning I can't help but think about how different I thought this summer would be. It was going to be the first summer in a long time that we had a baby, I imagine that Giovanna would have been learning to crawl and walk and truly enjoy her siblings. We're getting ready to go on vacation next week to the same beach that we have been to every summer since Bailee was a year old, I can't help but think back to last year when we were there trying to do all the things that we wouldn't be able to do this year because we would have a baby with us...we'll be doing those same things again this year, because our baby is with us only in our hearts. Since Giovanna died I find it hard to 'plan' for tomorrow, because I'm never sure if tomorrow will come...I guess in a way its a good thing, it makes me realize how fragile life is and that I shouldn't take anything for granted.

March For Babies

For some reason I didn't publish this post (I have a bad habit of thinking I'll come back and do it but then I don't get the chance) so here it is...

 Today we did the March for Babies in Honor of Giovanna we have never done anything like this before so I wasn't sure what to expect. A few months back I started a team I set a goal of $500 for our team unsure if we would make it....much to my surprise we raised $1100!!! I would like to say THANK YOU to everyone who supported our team by either donations or coming our and walking with us, I hope to raise even more next year! Here's a few pics from that day!

Nick & I and the kids!



The whole team!



Joey releasing his butterfly

It's unbelievable how quickly time goes by....today marks 8 months since Giovanna's birth & death. Not a day goes by that I don't think about her, miss her and wish she was here with us. When I think back to last January and we just found out that we were expecting 8 months seemed so far away; now when I think back to September and that day Giovanna was born it seems like yesterday. I think about who she would be....who she would look like, what her temperament would be, would she be crawling or trying to pull herself up? I can dream about her and wonder who she'll be but none of that will bring her back to my arms. Part of the healing process for me has been accepting....accepting that it happened to us, we lost our beautiful baby girl and accepting that nothing I do or say can change that, nothing will bring her back to me. As much as it hurts I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and although I may never know the reason I choose to accept that....this is my life and my path and I will live it to the fullest, no regrets, knowing that one day I will hold my baby girl again. I saw a quote the other day it looked some thing like this;

in my heart
   always
               in my thoughts

and that she is. I love and miss you baby girl!

Today is Easter...it should have been Giovanna's 1st Easter, I shouldn't say it should have been, it was. Only she didn't spend it here with us, she spent it in heaven with Jesus. I've been in a bad mood all day, it took awhile before I realized (after I yelled at Nick b/c he brought me the wrong pan) it was because I miss my baby girl, I miss the memories we didn't get to make with her. I miss the fact that she's not here to enjoy all the traditions we have. I know she would be getting to the age where she would start to notice what goes on around her, maybe she would even be trying to crawl. I think she probably would have gotten a laugh out of the kids this morning. I try not to be sad when I think that this is the day that Christ was risen...that alone gives me great hope in seeing my baby girl again. I think about the pain that Christ endured and how Mary probably felt helplessly watching her son die for our sins, it makes me grateful for the life I have been given. I try to  count my blessings, be thankful for what I have and not dwell on what I don't but that doesn't make the pain of missing Giovanna any less, she's never far from my mind. I love my baby girl and look forward to the day I can hold her in my arms again. Happy Easter baby girl...mommy loves you!