I can't believe that Gabriella is going to be 2 weeks old tomorrow...I'm not sure where the time has went. I've been wanting to blog but haven't had a chance. I think we're all adjusting well to having a baby in the house...its been so long I forgot what it was like. I quickly remembered how much longer it takes to get out the door, I was so use to telling everyone to get their shoes and coats on were leaving and they do...I forgot about having to change the baby, feed the baby, change the baby again and make sure I have everything in the diaper bag...but I'm loving the adjustment! The kids seem to really love her, they fight over whose going to sit next to her in the car and whose going to hold her next. Jaden is the only one brave enough to change a diaper...tonight I was in the bathroom and Jaden changed her and attempted to put her pjs on...she was stuck with the arms so I had to help. Its funny everyday she tells me what I'm suppose to dress her in for the day...I never thought a 11 year old would be so excited to have a baby sister! I think Jaden and Joey are defiantly the most impressed by her, while Bailee and Bubba like her, they would rather txt their friends or watch tv!
I'm so happy to she's finally here, those last few weeks of pregnancy were stressful to say the least. Having a new baby in the house makes me miss Giovanna more then I thought...I wish that we could have spent more time with her, getting to know her, making memories with her. It's hard not to think about the things I didn't get to do with her...even the simple things like hearing her cry or nursing her. I wish I could have been more of a mom to her. Today I got Gabriella's birth certificate in the mail, it reminded me of the day I got Giovanna's and the shock of the work deceased stamped across it...a word that doesn't belong on a baby's birth certificate. It's hard to put into words but when I hold my beautiful new baby I'm filled with regret...regret that I didn't get more time with Giovanna, more memories, more pictures of her and a chance to 'mother' her. I try to remember to thank God that I got the time that I did have with her, the pictures I did get and the memories I did make...and to remember how truly blessed I am, how thankful I am for the beautiful children that we have.

Our Rainbow Has Arrived

I'm happy to announce that our 'Rainbow Baby' is here! Gabriella Grace was born at 8:46 am on October 30th. She's a little peanut weighing 7 lbs 5 ozs and 20 inches long!

I don't even know where to begin....I am so frustrated at this point in my pregnancy. When I originally went to the Dr's I was given a due date of 10/16 and told that because of what happened with Giovanna they would induce me at 39 weeks...I'm still pregnant! After my anatomy scan at 18 weeks the Dr decided to move my due date back to 10/29 biased on that...the problem with this theory is it is proven that second trimester scans can be off 14 days either way. I expressed my concerns many of times to the 3 different Dr's that I see and was given 3 different opinions...keep original date, better safe then sorry...go with new date, it's rare that they are off (it's also a less then 1% chance that a baby with meconium will die and we all know how that ended up)...the 3rd Dr said biased on everything she felt confident in moving my due date to 10/20. I was content with that decision...not the 16 but close enough and I have delivered all of my babies at 41+ weeks. So every time I go to the Dr's I'm given some sort of run-around as to why they can't schedule my induction...according to the due date of 10/20 I was 39 weeks on 10/13 so when I went into my appointment expecting to be scheduled I was told..no we can't schedule you bc your not dilated...then the truth comes out...no one changed my due date back to 10/20 in my chart it's still listed as 10/29 so I'm not 39 weeks and the hospital will not allow the Dr's to schedule a elective induction until 39 weeks!
It makes me so made, I hear of people all of the time that deliver at 37+ weeks! I have had 5 babies that I have carried for a minium of 41 weeks each time, I fully understand that when the baby is ready it will come and I'm a firm believer of that but we lost our last baby because she was late. The risk of meconium increases as you go post dates...I understand it was rare...less then 1% but it happened to us....I just don't get why they Dr's can't seem to understand that! This is unnecessary stress that I don't need right now, it's hard enough to hold it together. Not a day goes by that I don't think about my daughter and wish that she was here with us. But she's not and its my reality that sometimes rare things happen I just don't want it to happen again. After losing Giovanna I have met many strong women who have been through horrible losses and while they have been a great support system it really opens your eyes to all of the things that can go wrong and it's hard not to stress about that. I just pray that soon this baby will be safe in our arms...it's already a special baby with it's own guardian angel!

Today makes 13 months since we had our baby girl. It amazes me that over a year has passed and I still remember the details of that day better then I can remember what happened this morning! I guess its because I have so few memories of Giovanna...I wish that I had more. I'm grateful that I got to meet my baby, hold her and love her for the short time that she was here...my heart breaks for other mothers who never had that opportunity. Even though Giovanna's time on earth was short she will be remembered and loved for eternity and I thank God that I was chosen to be her mother! I love and miss you baby girl!

I have been so busy since Sept. that I really haven't had a chance to blog. I joined the working force once school started with a temporary job as the preschool aid at my kids school until they could get someone full time. I figured it would get me out of the house and my mind off of the last few weeks of this pregnancy...I learned really quickly I'm a SAHM for a reason and I pray that I don't have to work again for a LONG time! I think it was best described the evening I told Nick all this working is getting in the way of my volunteering! Between working all day and running the kids to all there events in the evenings and week-ends there was no time to get anything done...I give working moms lots of credit...its not fun! Thankfully, I'm finally done and I can resume my place as a SAHM!

Today is Giovanna's 1st birthday...her Angelversary...a term I wish didn't exist. It blows my mind that a entire year has passed since I held her in my arms. This morning I woke up early and couldn't fall back asleep, all I could do is think about how a year ago at that time my labor was beginning...I remember how I wasn't sure if it was 'it' I woke Nick up and told him I thought he should stay home but I wasn't sure. By the time I was sure (about a hour later), my water had broke and I knew then that there was meconium in it...what I didn't know is that meconium would lead to her death....that in a few short hours I would be giving birth to my baby girl and then be told that there was nothing they could do for her. I became that person that I never thought I would...a mother to a baby in heaven.

Today was a emotional day as to be expected. I think I held it together very well for the most part, the children's mass at school was in memory of Giovanna. I worked all day so that was distraction (how could 15 four year olds not be). At the end of the day Jaden and her best friend came into our class room. Her friend had a birthday card that she made for Giovanna, at that point I lost it. She had written in the card is a verse from Psalm; 62:7...In God is my salvation and my glory, The rock of my strength, and my refuge, in in God. How could a child possibly know how true that was for me, without God to carry me through my darkest times I'm not sure how I would have made it. I know that in her short life Giovanna touched so many and that card from a 11 year old goes to show just how much.

The kids decided they wanted to have a birthday cake for Giovanna, Nick and I also wanted to but were unsure as to how the kids would react, so we got a ice cream cake (at Bubba's request). After dinner we had a little 'party' for Giovanna, we released balloons with messages to Giovanna and sung her happy birthday. The kids thought it would be best if we took the cake outside so she could 'blow out' her candle. It is heartbreaking to see my children grieving their baby sister...I wish that they didn't have to suffer this loss along with Nick and I, I wish that their baby sister was here annoying them.

Today was Giovanna's due date...I can't help but think if she would have been born on it she would be here today with us....