I don't even know where to begin....I am so frustrated at this point in my pregnancy. When I originally went to the Dr's I was given a due date of 10/16 and told that because of what happened with Giovanna they would induce me at 39 weeks...I'm still pregnant! After my anatomy scan at 18 weeks the Dr decided to move my due date back to 10/29 biased on that...the problem with this theory is it is proven that second trimester scans can be off 14 days either way. I expressed my concerns many of times to the 3 different Dr's that I see and was given 3 different opinions...keep original date, better safe then sorry...go with new date, it's rare that they are off (it's also a less then 1% chance that a baby with meconium will die and we all know how that ended up)...the 3rd Dr said biased on everything she felt confident in moving my due date to 10/20. I was content with that decision...not the 16 but close enough and I have delivered all of my babies at 41+ weeks. So every time I go to the Dr's I'm given some sort of run-around as to why they can't schedule my induction...according to the due date of 10/20 I was 39 weeks on 10/13 so when I went into my appointment expecting to be scheduled I was told..no we can't schedule you bc your not dilated...then the truth comes out...no one changed my due date back to 10/20 in my chart it's still listed as 10/29 so I'm not 39 weeks and the hospital will not allow the Dr's to schedule a elective induction until 39 weeks!
It makes me so made, I hear of people all of the time that deliver at 37+ weeks! I have had 5 babies that I have carried for a minium of 41 weeks each time, I fully understand that when the baby is ready it will come and I'm a firm believer of that but we lost our last baby because she was late. The risk of meconium increases as you go post dates...I understand it was rare...less then 1% but it happened to us....I just don't get why they Dr's can't seem to understand that! This is unnecessary stress that I don't need right now, it's hard enough to hold it together. Not a day goes by that I don't think about my daughter and wish that she was here with us. But she's not and its my reality that sometimes rare things happen I just don't want it to happen again. After losing Giovanna I have met many strong women who have been through horrible losses and while they have been a great support system it really opens your eyes to all of the things that can go wrong and it's hard not to stress about that. I just pray that soon this baby will be safe in our arms...it's already a special baby with it's own guardian angel!

Today makes 13 months since we had our baby girl. It amazes me that over a year has passed and I still remember the details of that day better then I can remember what happened this morning! I guess its because I have so few memories of Giovanna...I wish that I had more. I'm grateful that I got to meet my baby, hold her and love her for the short time that she was here...my heart breaks for other mothers who never had that opportunity. Even though Giovanna's time on earth was short she will be remembered and loved for eternity and I thank God that I was chosen to be her mother! I love and miss you baby girl!

I have been so busy since Sept. that I really haven't had a chance to blog. I joined the working force once school started with a temporary job as the preschool aid at my kids school until they could get someone full time. I figured it would get me out of the house and my mind off of the last few weeks of this pregnancy...I learned really quickly I'm a SAHM for a reason and I pray that I don't have to work again for a LONG time! I think it was best described the evening I told Nick all this working is getting in the way of my volunteering! Between working all day and running the kids to all there events in the evenings and week-ends there was no time to get anything done...I give working moms lots of credit...its not fun! Thankfully, I'm finally done and I can resume my place as a SAHM!

Today is Giovanna's 1st birthday...her Angelversary...a term I wish didn't exist. It blows my mind that a entire year has passed since I held her in my arms. This morning I woke up early and couldn't fall back asleep, all I could do is think about how a year ago at that time my labor was beginning...I remember how I wasn't sure if it was 'it' I woke Nick up and told him I thought he should stay home but I wasn't sure. By the time I was sure (about a hour later), my water had broke and I knew then that there was meconium in it...what I didn't know is that meconium would lead to her death....that in a few short hours I would be giving birth to my baby girl and then be told that there was nothing they could do for her. I became that person that I never thought I would...a mother to a baby in heaven.

Today was a emotional day as to be expected. I think I held it together very well for the most part, the children's mass at school was in memory of Giovanna. I worked all day so that was distraction (how could 15 four year olds not be). At the end of the day Jaden and her best friend came into our class room. Her friend had a birthday card that she made for Giovanna, at that point I lost it. She had written in the card is a verse from Psalm; 62:7...In God is my salvation and my glory, The rock of my strength, and my refuge, in in God. How could a child possibly know how true that was for me, without God to carry me through my darkest times I'm not sure how I would have made it. I know that in her short life Giovanna touched so many and that card from a 11 year old goes to show just how much.

The kids decided they wanted to have a birthday cake for Giovanna, Nick and I also wanted to but were unsure as to how the kids would react, so we got a ice cream cake (at Bubba's request). After dinner we had a little 'party' for Giovanna, we released balloons with messages to Giovanna and sung her happy birthday. The kids thought it would be best if we took the cake outside so she could 'blow out' her candle. It is heartbreaking to see my children grieving their baby sister...I wish that they didn't have to suffer this loss along with Nick and I, I wish that their baby sister was here annoying them.

Today was Giovanna's due date...I can't help but think if she would have been born on it she would be here today with us....

I've tried to write this post at least 100 times but I can never seem to....I think part of it might be because this blog is dedicated to Giovanna and I don't want anything to take away from her. Some of you may already know (if you've seen me lately you can stop wondering if I'm getting fat) Nick and I are expecting our "Rainbow" baby sometime in October. This news brings so many mixed emotions...I want to be excited but the fear is overwhelming. One thing that I learned through Giovanna's death is that a pregnancy does not equal a baby, even a healthy problem free pregnancy....and a baby does not equal a child any thing can happen life is precious and can be taken away in a instant. I can't help but think back to this time last year when the kids were starting school and I was getting ready for Giovanna...we had all the baby stuff set up, clothing washed and in the dresser and we were ready to bring our baby home...then I think about the days after Giovanna died and packing up it all up to give away because I didn't think we would ever have another baby. One of my biggest fears is that this baby will make people forget about Giovanna and I don't want that to happen, as uncomfortable as it is for some people and as much as it hurts I don't want my bay girl forgotten! I don't want is for people to act like this baby is a replacement of Giovanna, that I'm no longer grieving the lost of my daughter because I have a new baby...I will always love and miss her and the memories that I should have made with her. Anyone with more then one kid knows that you love them all equally, there maybe different qualities that you like about each of them but you love them all the same and although Giovanna was only here for a short time I don't love her any less then my living children. I have already had people (who know about Giovanna) say well this baby will be your tie-breaker...you already have 2 girls and 2 boys...I want to shout at them NO this baby is not the tie-breaker...I have 3 daughters, I had a baby I loved from the moment she was conceived, carried to term, was born alive and died...she was my daughter and always will be..she was no less 'real' then any of us are and I love and miss her every day!

Eleven Months

For some reason this didn't post when I wrote it....so here it is a little late! Eleven months have passed since Giovanna's birth...its hard to believe that in one month she will be celebrating her first birthday with Jesus. She is never far from my thoughts, I wonder all of the time what she would be like, how she would act and how our lives would be with her in them. Today is 'fair' day in our house, that means we're packing up and heading to the fair for the week for the kids to show their steers and run wide. It brings back so many memories of last year...I was about 9 months pregnant with Giovanna during the fair, all week I kept telling Nick to enjoy it bc next year we'll be chasing around a baby. Now next year has come but that baby we thought we were going to be chasing around isn't here with us, shes watching over us instead. I've been thinking a lot lately about why me....not in the sense of poor me why did my baby have to die when others live but why was I chosen to be Giovanna's mom...to carry her, love her and lose her after such a short time. As hard as it is to live without her and I glad I was chosen to be her mom and have her in my life. God gave me a gift of a third daughter that I got to love and will continue to love for the rest of my life. I know that day will come when I hold her again and I wouldn't trade that for anything. I love and miss you baby girl!