Happy 4th Birthday Baby Girl

Tonight we sent off 4 sky lanterns for Giovanna, 4 candles for her birthday in heaven. While sending off the lanterns Joey said something that really surprised me...he said Mom, Giovanna was born on a Tuesday, right? I was caught off guard that he remembered that, he was 6 when she was born I figured he remembered something's about that day but te fact that he remembered the actual day of the week amazed me. She was such a special little baby, in her short time on earth she affected so many people and taught us so much. She changed me as a person and as a mother. I find myself so much more tolerant of Gabriella, I know I'm older but it's always in the back of my mind what a gift she is, what a gift all of my children are. If I could go back in time for one day it would be the day Giovanna was born, I would love to hold her one more time. I often wonder what it would be like with her here with us (I'm sure it would be even crazier then it already is). I'm thankful that she was in our life's and lives in our hearts forever. I know that one day we will hold her again. Four years later I wish I had some great bit of wisdom and advice but really I don't. I don't know how I made it through those first days and months, four years later there are still days when the pain is as raw as it was in the beginning. I miss the memories we should have made and the time we should have spent together but I know we will be together again. Happy 4th Birthday in heaven Baby Girl, I'm sure you had a great party. We love you and think about you everyday...I love you Giovanna Jean!

Happy Birthday Baby Girl! Its hard to believe you would be 3 today, I guess you wouldn't be the baby any more you would have given that title up to Gabi years ago. Its hard to believe its been 3 years since I held you in my arms, some days it seems like it was yesterday and others a lifetime ago. I miss you so much it breaks my heart to think about how things may have been, how much Gabi would have loved having you as a big sister. But today, on your day I don't want to be sad for the memories I didn't get to make with you I want to be happy I got to be your mom, I want to be thankful for the time that I had to hold you and for all that you taught me. You changed me, you taught me that there's no guarantees for tomorrow, you taught me to appreciate the little things in life and most importantly you brought me closer to Him and renewed my Faith. I'm thankful for my family and friends that offered so much support during those early days and your dad who became such a rock for me to lean on. The selfish part of me is sad that I didn't get to parent you and make memories with you...but there's this other part of me that's glad you got the ultimate reward, eternal life without the pain and suffering of this life. Don't get me wrong there's not a day that goes by 3 years later that I don't think about you, but you know that. We all love and miss you and hope you have a great birthday with Jesus and the Angels, listen hard and you'll hear us singing Happy Birthday to you! I love you baby girl!

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I wish I had more time to blog but it seems like my days fly by. Gabriella is at the amazing age where she is learning something new every day, I love this age. It makes me so sad that i didn't get to share these 'first' with Giovanna. I watch Gabriella with other kids and I cant help but think about how she would have loved having Giovanna for a big sister, she adores little kids. I can't imagine what it would be like with 2 babies here in my arms...I wish I knew. Tomorrow is pregnancy and infant loss day, it saddens me to know that I am not alone that there are other moms out there who know my pain, a pain no parent wants to feel...its not the way its 'suppose' to be. Twenty-five months later I still miss my baby girl, I'm not sure if that feeling that something is missing will ever go away. I love you baby girl and will hold you in my arms again!

The last 2 years on this day, Sept 13 I was pregnant...I remember Sept 13,2010 like it was yesterday; I was 6 days overdue I had my drs appointment, non stress test and scheduled my induction for Sept 16 then I made a stop at Sam's club on the way home to pick up some last minute things. I remember coming home and bailee and the neighbor girl where here, nick had the other kids taking down a corn crib (I was so mad they didn't get home til 10pm and hadn't eaten dinner). Little did I know I would be meeting my little angel in a few shot hours and how short her precious life would be. On this day last year I was also pregnant with our rainbow. I remember being such a bag of emotions,grieving my angel so nervous for my rainbow. That's the thing about losing a baby you quickly come to realize that being pregnant doesn't gaurentee a baby that you can take home (even after u pass the 'magic' date). Last year we celebrated Giovanna's birthday quietly at home with the kids, we released balloons and had ice cream cake. This year I had a idea to create a facebook event and ask my friends to do a random act of kindness in Giovanna's honor. I don't want people's sympathy I just want them to remember life's short, take a second and do something kind for someone else. That's a lesson I learned from my angel that I try to keep with me always. Who knew that in a few hours I could learn so much from such a little baby. So as I sit here on the eve of my sweet angels 2nd birthday in Jesus' arms I still find it hard to believe 2 years has passed...I often feel like something is missing and then I remember its not somthing but someone my precious Giovanna Jean. I cant help but wonder what my life would be like if she was in my arms instead of my heart?

This is a late post the last few weeks have been super busy, with the fair (no cell or internet) and the girls returning to school (boys are next they go back Monday). So much has happened these last few weeks. Heaven gained another angel with Nick's Nana passing away 2 weeks ago; she really was a special woman I'm glad that I had the chance to get to know her. She taught me many things and I have fond memories of times I spent with her. I'm so thankful that my children had the chance to know her too. We were trying to prepare them for her passing I told them that Nana was sick and probably wasn't going to live much longer and that it was ok to be sad because we were going to miss her but we should also be happy for her...she lived a good life and was going to get to be with Papa. Joey, always thinking says "Mom, Nana is going to get to meet Giovanna!" I hope he's right...I hope Nana is holding my sweet baby in her arms. I recently had a conversation with someone about how in my case when I lost my baby girl I also lost my fear of death...I have someone special there waiting for me...I'm not saying I want to die any time soon but when I do I'll hold my baby again! The selfish part of me is sad when someone I love passes away because I won't get to see them anymore but then I find myself thinking I should be happy for them...they get to meet our Father and live all eternity with Him! I can't believe in a few weeks my baby girl will be celebrating her 2nd birthday in heaven..her second year of being held in His arms. When you say 2 years it seems like such a long time but when you live it, it flies by. I remember the days after Giovanna was born...I couldn't imagine life in 2 weeks or months let alone 2 years. I thank God for my other children because I know without them and my wonderful husband I wouldn't have made it through. As much as I love and miss my angel I find comfort in knowing that she is at home with our Father.

I have so much to say but that will have to wait til another day, blogging from a phone isn't easy. In 2 short months my precious angel will be celebrating her 2nd birthday in heaven...I can't believe that 22 months have passed...where is time going?!? It seems like the older I get the quicker time goes...sometimes I'd like to slow it down a little. Today we embarked on our first family vacation with Gabriella, I forgot the joys of traveling with a baby...15 mins into the trip I had to explain to Joey that his sister isn't a table to hold his drink and dvd player...all in all it was a good trip, not too many tears shed. All day I had this nagging feeling that I should have made this trip last year with Giovanna, she should have got to be the table. Every milestone Gabriella reaches is bitter sweet...all these memories I didn't get to make with Giovanna. And I know I've said it a million times but it really does give me a new appreciation for live...I feel like I have so much more love and pactience. I miss you so much baby girl and if I could I would turn back time to have just one more day with you...I love you, Giovanna Jean!